Karma by Augustin Moga and Scott Danzig - Short, Fantasy, Comedy - A girl experiments with magic while her mother's career is on the line. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

I didn't mind this. Was a clever little story.

Some issues:

You can lose the scene numbers.

You didn't put the Japanese business man in all caps when he was first introduced.

Not sure it is laugh out loud comedy but I did crack a smile a couple of times.

Lots of unanswered questions about the book and the magic but I enjoyed it for what it was.

Thanks!  Very encouraging.  I figure you liked it because I named the boss after you :)

Tell me what you think about this idea though... we're thinking it'd be a lot funnier if we have her forced to say opposites of everything, instead of speaking in reverse.  With the boss trying to bribe the translator not to translate something... and when she starts swearing, she says things like "Daughter of a cat!  Abstinence! Abstinence!"

I think as far as how much cleaner the script would read, it’s be a good idea.

As far as changing any of the comedy, I am definitely not the person to ask. I am not a comedy writer in any way.

You could always ask James (MarkItZero) for some advice. He does it really well.

Cute premise, and it reads well enough.

Two things - I would build up the intrigue, and expand the opening. After the phone call, have Madelyn sneak into her Mom's room, climb up a cabinet, and retrieve the magic book.

There doesn't seem to be any fallout or consequences after the big presentation collapses. Instead Laura just laughs off the whole thing as no big deal, which lessen the stakes.

More cute than funny, but a decent attempt.

Best

Some notes.

the premise works for me.  Cat and girl and book make for some nasty magic, although I'm not certain what mom did to deserve such punishment.

Two, a little bit of backwards speech goes a long way.  Get it started, have the boss try to save, and get out.

The transference didn't work for me.  I would expect Maddie to be much more upset, but that's me.  

Best
Richard

Great feedback. Thanks all!

A couple comments...

... RonH: Madelyn can't go looking for the magic book after her phone call with Laura, because by then the magic book has already been used (hint: Madelyn is not really Madelyn :) ).

... RichardR: the transference spell is necessary to deliver what was supposed to be the punch line (i.e. that it is Karma who orchestrates the whole mess, not Maddy). Not sure how else can one allow for a cat to take over the world. :)

Thanks again everyone.

If more people want to offer their opinion that'll be greatly appreciated.

Don't need to number the scene headings.

Lot of little issues with the opening:

Not a bad little tale - a few suggesions

Quoted Text INT. OFFICE - DAY 1 The walls of an office boast brightly colored posters from past marketing campaigns. LAURA, a smartly dressed, energetic woman, points out specific details on a spacious computer screen. WARREN, a tall man wearing both a serious suit and face, nods in agreement.

Put the type of office in the scene heading - that way he have a sense of what the posters are.

There is no place for Day 1 or 2, etc. in the scene heading since it is not showing on film. If it is that important you would use a super (i.e, SUPER: DAY 1).

Your first line doesn't need "office" since it is already in the scene heading.

Break this is into two sets of action to make it more digestible.

Tell us there ages.

e,g:

INT: ADVERTISING FIRM/OFFICE - DAY

The walls boast brightly colored posters from
past marketing campaigns.

LAURA (age), a smartly dressed, energetic woman, points out specific details on a spacious
computer screen.

WARREN (age), a tall man wearing both a serious
suit and face, nods in agreement.

Quoted Text Madelyn silently reads to herself with concentration. Her eyes close, then shift about with REM-like activity. She takes a deep breath, grins, and her eyes suddenly wide. Thunder rumbles from the window.

typo - wide should be widen.

No need to say silently AND reads to herself. One or the other does the trick.

Make thunder rumbles from the kitchen a separate line and CAP RUMBLES

Quoted from eldave1 There is no place for Day 1 or 2, etc. in the scene heading since it is not showing on film. If it is that important you would use a super (i.e, SUPER: DAY 1).

There is no Day 1, Day 2, etc. -- all the action happens the same day. The numbers that appear there are part of the scene numbering scheme. Sorry for the confusion.

Thanks for the other suggestions. Noted.

Any impressions regarding the story itself?

Thanks!

Quoted from AugustinM There is no Day 1, Day 2, etc. -- all the action happens the same day. The numbers that appear there are part of the scene numbering scheme. Sorry for the confusion. Thanks for the other suggestions. Noted. Any impressions regarding the story itself? Thanks!

It had some promise. But there are a few missteps IMO.

First - the curse is supposed to be reverse - but other than a few minor instances - Laura's dialogue is not actually reversed (backwards). Why not just write it backwards???

The poop line doesn't work for me.  

Quoted Text Laura chuckles. She laughs. She stands in the light of the projector and laughs hysterically.

The above totally derails the thread of the story - really? She laughs at the debacle she just went through? Really inconsistent with the theme to that point.

Who keeps a cat in a jar??? I had a hard time with that visual.

Would have worked better for me if the cat had a name tag with Karma on it from the beginning.

So - I like your premise - I think the execution needs some work.