Lost In Hon'yaku by Warren Duncan - Short, Dark Comedy - When a retired assassin takes on one last job, getting her man is the least of her problems. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi all,

Just a quick note about this one.

I wrote it for a guy who was looking for a very specific script, “Fargo in Japan”. He had an exact town in mind and some locations.

It also had to be a dark comedy. I am useless at comedy, but I thought I’d give it ago because I absolutely love Fargo.

I still think it came out all right but I’m definitely interested to get some thoughts on it.

I know this will more than likely never get made. It was still fun though.

Thanks in advance.

Warren,

Took a read of this, and I'll come back and give some more detail, but I'm at work now so I'll just leave some first impressions. Gwen, aside from a quick line of dialogue, doesn't sound like she's retired. She says the line, "I always get my man," and again it sounds like she's really up for this. If that was me, I'd be kinda like -- yeah yeah, I'll get im. Something like that. Feels like there should be another reason for her to come out of retirement for this one job, and to Japan of all places. Perhaps the money is too good to turn down? You show the bag with the greenbacks, but perhaps Gwen should give an impressed nod or something.

I didn't get a good sense of place with this one. I remember you showing us mountains and snow, and I think had you combined that description as opposed to giving it all separate lines, it might've flowed better and stuck in my mind more. I know the individual sentences is more a stylistic choice, but right there it doesn't work for me.

I think I like the house scene with the dead people. Actually, I kinda like her predicament and I can see the humor in it. I feel like you could have saved her stumbling over her words until the very end when she's talking with her mark. Come with a really stupid one and you got a nice closing zinger! I'd eliminate the other two, and perhaps have her stumbling over the words to herself while she's in the car at the gas station. I dunno. Just a thought there.

On pp 5 you have an awkward description after the EXT. SHRINE slug, where we see the mark walking. Then we see Gwen with her gun. Wait! Did she even step out of her car yet? Because the last slug was of her inside the car. When did she get out?

Those are my initial thoughts. If I think of any others I'll hit you up.

Steve

Thanks for the read and feedback, Steven

Those where pretty good notes, no need to spend too much time on this one, thanks anyway.

That is my problem really. I don’t know how the good comedy writers do it, in my head it seems funny and at points I crack myself up. I think, in the future, I will stick to the dark stuff.

Was meant to be a rural, traditional Japanese village. I though I covered most bases but will have another look.

I didn’t specifically write that she got out of the car. The scene changed and she was out of it. I generally don’t write every time someone gets in or out, arrives or leaves and so on if I feel I don’t need to. It feels like unnecessary over writing. I’ll check it out though and see if I can clear it up.

Thanks for taking the time, feedback is always appreciated.

Warren! You're always saying you can't write comedy. I'm happy to tell you that you're a hundred percent wrong. That was an epic punchline. And the way you built it up with all the violence and serious stuff only to have her spectacularly flub her line... that was just awesome planning/timing. I liked the very end too where she has to go back and get the book.

I do think there are other places you could slip in a little more humor, although I don't want it veering too much into slapstick so take from these ideas as you please and sparingly.  

Non-comedy stuff:

Not sure about Gwen being surprised over the money. If she's an elite assassin I think she'd have experience getting handed duffel bags with lots of money.

Quoted Text GWEN I was the best. I’ve been out for a long time now.

**Maybe you can trim this down even further to just "Long time ago" or "Was the best".

Quoted Text GWEN I always get my man.

**I know this is to set up the big line later but it read kind of corny at the beginning. I think you can keep the line but add a little humor to the mix which I will get into now...

Comedy stuff:

I think you can work in some cultural clash to go along with the language barrier stuff. For example, maybe the bodyguard bows to her and she bows back then he bows again and so forth till they get into an epic bow-off (I hereby copyright, trademark, and patent that word).

As for the line "I always get my man"... maybe they offer her some unique Japanese delicacy and she's forced to try it. So right as she starts to say "I always..." she gags and spits out the food before finishing the line, leaving everyone in the room staring at her in stone-faced silence.

Finally, towards the end when the officer wakes her up in the car you could probably do another funny mispronunciation. You already did the big one so there's no harm in doing one more after. Maybe she mistakenly says to the officer, while covered in blood, "I need to bathe in the blood of the peasants" or something completely ridiculous that freaks him out. I'm sure you can come up with something better... but something related to her being covered in blood that does the opposite of reassure him might be funny.

Hey, James.

Thanks for the read, glad you it worked for you for the most part.

Some really great suggestions, will definitely try something different.

Even your comments give me a chuckle haha.

On another note,

I dropped your name to a couple of writers of one of the new scripts that recently went up. They wanted some comedy type advice. Script is called Karma

I'm no expert lol. I'd say just about every OWC comedy entered was better than mine. But I'd be happy to check out the post you're referring to.

Warren,

First, there's nothing like a fun writing assignment is there? Fargo in Japan? My mind is already racing with good stuff.

I enjoyed it for the most part. The opening was a little stiff. I always find the "back out of retirement assassin" bit a little stale. It really picks up at the dinner table though, with Gwen picking up food from the victims plates. (My favorite part), and the reflected image in the gong is great, (Never seen that before).  

I guess the one big thing I would change is Gwen's motivation. Since you're going for comedy, why not reverse the situation? Gwen comes to them, an aging assassin, well past her prime, but very short on cash. Tanaka tells her she's too old for this now. She makes her case and gets the job. After that, you can have a lot more fun with the character, because we now expect her to be messing up all the time.

Side notes:
Is the bodyguard Japanese? I'm not sure.
You forgot to capitalize Tanaka's introduction.
You never clearly state that we are now in Japan.
Somewhere in the script you have written - quite - instead of quiet - not sure which page.

Best

Warren,

Some notes.

Since you're committed to improving, I'll go through this one with a finer comb.

The opening with Tanaka.  He has tattoos everywhere, but he wears a suit.  Hard to discern tattoos if he's fully clothed.  Now, if you had said a dragon's head is on one hand and the tail on the other, I'd surmised the body runs across his chest.  If you had said a dragon wraps around his neck and up his cheek...well, same point.

Gwen starts out great.  Japanese is terrible, but why does she try?  Bodyguard already is an interpreter.  Doesn't make sense.

The phrase book is wonderful.  Nice touch.  

The next scene works, although it's a bit short.  Can you give Gwen some actions to help with her request?  She lays her head on her hands?  Make this a real effort.

The next scene is great.  My only suggestion would be something when the old lady slides off--"you're right, the noodles are overdone."

Now, the story goes a bit south.  She's the best there ever was, and it's this easy?  Why hire her when any gumba can complete the hit?

The next scene works.  Coincidence works against Gwen as it should.  But you might make this a holiday so the mark has to make an appearance at the shrine.

There is too big a gap between in the shrine and the next scene.  And how the hell did she get a first aid kit?  Can't just throw it in because she needs it.

The next scene doesn't work for me.  He goes back even though it could be fatal, and despite her time lost while bandaging, she's there waiting.  

the next scene works as she tries to leave and fails.

The line 'you should see the other guy' doesn't work for me.  That's the answer to a question, not a foray.

The ending is spot on.  She has to go back...maybe.

Good job.  Good work.

Best
Richard

Thanks for the read, Ron.

Glad you liked it for the most part. Was definitely enjoyable to push the boundaries of what I thought I was capable of.

Some great suggestions, thank you.

I will put in a SUPER for Japan. Thanks for picking up the other mishaps, will fix them up ASAP.

Thanks for the read, Richard.

I agree there are definitely areas where I can tighten this up, will address as many as I can in the rewrite.

One thing I will say for now is that "you should see the other guy" is a direct quote from Fargo, the movie this is kinda sorta based on, I really like it and will probably leave it in.

Appreciate the more thorough feedback, really helps.

Dude, Fargo in Japan sounds like a great fuckin' feature idea.

I couldn’t agree more. How good is Fargo?

Really, really fuckin' good.  You turn Fargo in Japan into a feature and I'll read it.

Warren, I'd love to read this. Is there a problem with the link?

Manolis

I just checked it and yes there does seem to be. I will check my dropbox when I get home and let you know when it's fixed. Not sure what the issue is.

Id love to check this one out too. If you could re-enable the link, that would be great. Muchos thanks.

Link fixed, let me know if there are any issues.

I was hoping this one would burst out at me as being awesome but that didnt quite happen I'm afraid. Might have been the Fargo context around the script as I went in expecting that ilk and for me the characters need a nudge to get closer to that benchmark.  The first three pages felt like pretty standard genre fare also.
But you have a great idea here with the language troubles and the phrase book - just think you could swing the bat a bit harder and see what you can come up with to add a few more layers to the characters as they seem thin. Sure its a short and you dont have a lot of time, but you can trim some of this eg the waiting room and Tanaka scene could really be condensed. If he's a tattoed Japanese dude sitting in a room and she is a muscled hit woman sitting opposite, there's a bodyguard on the side and he throws her a photograph and a phrase book, the audience can tell what is going on in about five seconds instead of three pages which leaves you time to play with the characters a bit more whilst still keeping the same plot.
Given Gwens statement  " Twenty years I’ve been in this business  ... " on page 6, I think you could add in more "shit" events ... to make her claim more substantive as her day whilst crap, couldve been a lot worse. A dumb example would be if shes one of these gluten free types and goes to buy some food but screws up the translation and eats a pound of gluten  ... then whilst she's following the Mark, she breaks out in hives, vomits or whatever and has to cancel the hit or invert and he HELPS her if she's ill then her determination is weakened ... or whatever.

Thats probably enough blab yeah? Thanks for letting me take a peek. In the main I enjoyed it.

All the best with it.

Thanks for the read and comments, Jez.

I agree that I could add something more to the character. Will have a look and see what I can come up with.

Cheers.

No probs ... as with any comments, you'll have a gut feel on which ones to ignore and which ones to scrutinise a little deeper. Do think you've got the ingredients for a decent murderous fish out of water black comedy feature  here.

Warren, good job! I enjoyed your story. I have only one minor point...as a dark comedy, you should emphasize the comedic side of it...at the very beginning, you have an American hit woman, a Japanese boss and a Japanese bodyguard/interpreter....create a comedy of misunderstanding scene with the hit woma trying to speak Japanese and the two Japanese attempting to speak English...this will give the readers the essence of the story, which is comedy. Just an idea.
Thank you for reading my comment. Get the short ready for a feature.
All my best,
Fausto

Thanks for the read, Fausto.

Appreciated as always.