Jim Bob And The Storage People by Brandon Saunders - Short, Drama - A rodent problem puts a little storage community at risk of losing their right to live there. - pdf, format 8)

Not sure how I feel about this one.

I get it, but I don’t get it.

SPOILERS:

So everyone knows he is nuts, they would have to, but the only person who actually has an issue with it is Spot.

Was that Fitzgerald’s room or not?

Even though he was crazy, this dialogue seemed out of place:

FITZGERALD
Tomorrow when Jarvis goes to
collect his Centrelink payment, I'm
gonna break into his house and get
the -
(psychs up)
- little mother fucking cunt and
kill his fucking cunt ass!

Bestie, jumps with excitement. He BANGS THE WALL.

BESTIE
(yelling)
Yay! I can't wait to poison the
little fucker. I want to watch him
choke on his own vomit and die to
death! I'm so fucking happy!

It’s like 0 to 100 in 1 second.

I like the concept because I have something similar, just not sure about the execution.

Some passive writing early on with the ing’s.

Good luck with it.

You're a machine, Warren, haha.

Cheers for the read.

We don't go to Fitzgerald's room at all. Everything is in Fitzgeralds head. Agnes, Jarvis and Bestie don't excist. They are figments of his imagination. Personalities he wish he had in his life. Agnes cares about him, Jarvis is his enemy, and his best friend loves him.

Spot has an issue with the rodent (Fitzgerald) who keeps getting out of the cage (mental clinic) and into his storage sheds.

At the end when Spot chases him out, he looks back in the shed, sees Storage boxes and containers stacked to the roof and not a make shift home.

The 0 to 100 thing is something I've been thinking of getting rid off. Actully after I submitted it, I was going to tone that down and I most likely will.

Does that clear it up?

Cheers maaaate.

That does clear it up, I guess the issue being the need to do so.

In the script I wrote that has a similar "nothing is as it seems" twist, I had to constantly explain and rewrite to make things more clear.

Lucky for me a producer who got it, and liked it, picked it up but I know from experience that people want clarity.

Out of interest. I will keep an eye on the other comments to see how this is received.

Anytime, mate.

Quoted from Warren That does clear it up, I guess the issue being the need to do so. In the script I wrote that has a similar "nothing is as it seems" twist, I had to constantly explain and rewrite to make things more clear.

True that.

When my partner read it, I had to explain it to her. She read it as Jarvis swinging the bat at the end and not Spot.

I guess it makes sense after you explained it, but I'm not sure what the point is. Just giving us a glimpse into the mind of an insane person isn't really a story. It turns he's been hiding in a shed the whole time, so what? Nothing happens and his delusions have no significant impact on the real world.

He has this goal of killing a rodent. The entire script is him wandering around talking to imaginary people about getting the rodent... then suddenly Spot shows up and he runs away.

His goal should have a real significance once the reveal comes. Tie his obsession with the rodent to something tangible in reality. So his goal of killing this oppressive, harmful thing could turn out to be him trying to murder another patient or a guard so he can escape. Throw some obstacles in his path and let him actually attempt to carry out his goal.

Quoted from MarkItZero I guess it makes sense after you explained it, but I'm not sure what the point is. Just giving us a glimpse into the mind of an insane person isn't really a story. It turns he's been hiding in a shed the whole time, so what? Nothing happens and his delusions have no significant impact on the real world. He has this goal of killing a rodent. The entire script is him wandering around talking to imaginary people about getting the rodent... then suddenly Spot shows up and he runs away. His goal should have a real significance once the reveal comes. Tie his obsession with the rodent to something tangible in reality. So his goal of killing this oppressive, harmful thing could turn out to be him trying to murder another patient or a guard so he can escape. Throw some obstacles in his path and let him actually attempt to carry out his goal.

Hey mate, cheers for the read.

You raise some really good points. I like your idea of tieing his obsession with the rodent to something like another patient or a guard, but that's just not the tone I'm going for. I was aiming for something very simple and fun. Perhaps I was wrong in thinking that's the best way to go?

Anyway, I've pretty much written this one off as a learning curve. I appreciate the time you took to read and comment.

Cheers