Inflated Ego by Matthew Hughes - Short, Drama - Investigator Marry Miller arrives home one evening to discover she is in the company of an uninvited, lethal house guest. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

There are a lot of issues here.

Massive, and I mean massive chunks of action, try contain it to 4 lines or less, it makes it a lot less tedious to read.

Your have long wrylies, that are generally action, for almost every line of dialogue. You can really get rid of all of them.

All the camera directions can go, not your job.

Unconventional title page which just looks out of place and is labeled page 6.

You need to read a lot more scripts to see how it is done.

I have to agree with Warren, pg. 4 is all action in one big block of words. This is a huge turn off/intimidator to the reader. Lack of slug lines, the title page is pg. 6. I'm assuming there was a massive edit possibly before you posted this, or you're new to the script game.

I'd say check out other scripts on SS or even, if you can find some of your favorite movies or directors...overall I couldn't read all the way through. But keep writing...you'll find your way.

Some notes.

This one needs a lot of revision.  The formatting isn't apparent and doesn't conform to current conventions.  The wrylies should be action paragraphs.  The action is far too detailed, and it comes in hunks no reader will bother with.

The story itself is cliche and overdone.  Neither character is terribly clever, so their chat doesn't work well either.  

I suggest you read a great many good scripts and analyze why they work.  

Best
Richard

Can only agree with what's been said.

I'm usually very lenient with formatting issues - not worrying to much about that with new writers, but I have noticed a worrying trend with scripts here recently where it appears the writers have made little or no effort to learn what a script actually looks like.

Anyway, I only have one question: Why "Marry"? Not Mary or Mari? Odd choice.

I might not be adding anything new to previous reviews, but here are my thoughts:

Title page is not correct (page number 6?).

The basic structure of a script is: Slug, action and dialogue. Not consistent throughout the script.

I strongly recommend to get your format in order, lots of good info. on the web.

The story didn't do too much for me.

Characters only need to be capped when introduced (Mrs. Lee was not capped).
Also, give them an age and a brief description.

The fight scene in the hallway, way overwritten, a one page action block (4 lines or less is a rule of thumb for blocks of action).

Your parentheticals should be written as action lines, IMO.

Lots of telling. Show it to us.

Frank