Sorry by David Owens - Short, Drama - A patient recovering from medically induced amnesia finds himself in a standoff with police due to his girlfriend's irresponsible behavior. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

I don’t know, it’s a long 18 pages and I thought about throwing in the towel a few times but I didn’t.

There is a good idea here, similar to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I think if it was to be cleaned up a lot you might have something.

It’s very over written and is riddled with passive writing.

Don’t tell us what we see, show us.

Phone conversations are V.O. not O.S. Off screen implies the person is in the scene just not on the screen.

You can get rid of all the camera directions, it’s not your job as the writer.

The dialogue is occasionally OTN.

Some typos and grammar issues throughout.

Using a specific town and a specific car is not advisable, the filmmaker is going to film it wherever he is and you would need the rights to use specific cars.

So again, I don’t mind the story that is at the core of this but there are a lot of things that need fixing to make it work.

Sorry, ;)  to say I didn't have the patience Warren did to persevere with this one. I skimmed a lot of it.  

There is a germ of a good idea here, it just takes way too long to get there. Tighten it up and you'll also have a much stronger ticking time bomb element here too.

I could not understand btw why the girlfriend was not in a hurry, and so casual in her response, to get to the main character.

I encourage you to rewrite this.

Some notes.

I read through this, and I had a problem with the story.  I think you might have a good idea as long as the amnesia is selective.  If too much is erased, and the patient becomes  shell, then amnesia is worthless.  What good is a resume for a guy who can't remember?

The writing needs some work, and it's way too long.  Too many info dumps.  Tell the story without them and let the audience figure out exactly what is going on.

Best
Richard

Yeah...I liked the IDEA behind the story.  But the story itself needs work.  I think you should consider all the posted suggestions, advice, etc. in the re-write.  Onward!
R