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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Skin
Posted by: Don, September 10th, 2016, 9:11am
Skin by Brandon Saunders - Short, Drama - A young Neo Nazi learns a harsh lesson to why the colour of someone's skin doesn't matter. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: LC, September 10th, 2016, 5:40pm; Reply: 1
Ooh, Brandon. I'm impressed. Did a quick read and will comment properly later,  but I think this is some of your best work to date, mate.  Will definitely be recommending this to Janet for STS.
Posted by: BSaunders, September 10th, 2016, 5:46pm; Reply: 2
Thanks, Libby.  ;D But I will be shooting this one myself! ;)
Posted by: LC, September 10th, 2016, 5:56pm; Reply: 3

Quoted from BSaunders
Thanks, Libby.  ;D But I will be shooting this one myself! ;)

Great stuff. Are you shooting in Sydney? I forget where you are. ?? Would love to watch/assist etc.
Posted by: BSaunders, September 10th, 2016, 6:19pm; Reply: 4

Quoted from LC

Great stuff. Are you shooting in Sydney? I forget where you are. ?? Would love to watch/assist etc.

I'm on the Gold Coast. You're more than welcome, if you're willing to make the trip.
Posted by: Warren, September 10th, 2016, 6:58pm; Reply: 5
Hey, mate.

Are you looking for feedback for something inparticular with this one?

If you have decided to produce it then the writing style and formatting makes no difference because it's yours. Also if this is the story you are set to produce, how open are you to suggestions?

SPOILERS:

There are things I can pick at but won't. All I will say for the time being is that I'm not sure what Alistair learns from this. The reader and audience will hopefully already know that racism, in this day and age, is idiotic and wrong, but how do we know Alistair has learnt this lesson? You end with him seeing the face of a Muslim that saved him but just the other night he was stabbing one. He might still hate them just as much, who knows. Obviously I know where  you wanted to go with this, I'm just not sure it gets all the way there.I feel like something as simple as a thank you or the like could bring this home.

If you want me to nit pick just let me know haha.

Overall I think you have the makings of a good story, just needs a bit of a polish.
Posted by: BSaunders, September 10th, 2016, 7:13pm; Reply: 6

Quoted from Warren
Hey, mate.

Are you looking for feedback for something inparticular with this one?

If you have decided to produce it then the writing style and formatting makes no difference because it's yours. Also if this is the story you are set to produce, how open are you to suggestions?

SPOILERS:

There are things I can pick at but won't. All I will say for the time being is that I'm not sure what Alistair learns from this. The reader and audience will hopefully already know that racism, in this day and age, is idiotic and wrong, but how do we know Alistair has learnt this lesson? You end with him seeing the face of a Muslim that saved him but just the other night he was stabbing one. He might still hate them just as much, who knows. Obviously I know where  you wanted to go with this, I'm just not sure it gets all the way there.

If you want me to nit pick just let me know haha.

Overall I think you have the makings of a good story, just needs a bit of a polish.

Hey Warren,

I'm very open to suggestions regarding the story.

I know what you mean about the audience not knowing that Alister has learnt his lesson, but I think I just have to trust the audience to make their own decision.

What do you believe Alister took from his little conundrum?

And please, nit pick away  ;)

Cheers for the read.

Posted by: Warren, September 10th, 2016, 7:18pm; Reply: 7
I have no idea what he took from it, that's what I think the problem is. I know what you want us to think but there is a difference.

I just edited my previous post, have a read.
Posted by: BSaunders, September 10th, 2016, 7:21pm; Reply: 8

Quoted from Warren
I have no idea what he took from it, that's what I think the problem is. I know what you want us to think but there is a difference.

I just edited my previous post, have a read.

I originally had him bursting into tears and hugging the Muslim Father after he wakes up. Perhaps I should go back to that?
Posted by: Warren, September 10th, 2016, 7:25pm; Reply: 9
For me it needs a link to him changing (an arc) just seeing the Muslim, I feel, does not accomplish this.

Wait to see what others think first, it's only had two reads, I might be pointing you in the wrong direction.
Posted by: BSaunders, September 10th, 2016, 7:45pm; Reply: 10

Quoted from Warren
For me it needs a link to him changing (a arc) just seeing the Muslim, I feel, does not accomplish this.

Wait to see what others think first, it's only had two reads, I might be pointing you in the wrong direction.

I'm definitely picking up what you're putting down
Posted by: LC, September 10th, 2016, 11:08pm; Reply: 11
Reading through, taking notes:

'he spots a dark corner'

You really need a new slug here/Mini Slug, cause this could well be a new set up for location. Further on you call it a Bin area.

Also, you change from 'Group of  Men' to 'Nazis' both as yet O.S so I'm assuming these are the same group of men, and then back to 'Group of Men'.

Perhaps describe their neo-nazi getup/garb when we first see them,  and stick to one character title until then, otherwise could be confusing.

I'd call them Neo-Nazis as that's what they actually are.
'Jumps into ...' as opposed to 'in', yes I'm being pedantic. Where an object is involved it's 'into'.
butcher's knife - insert apostrophe.
Security Guard breaths softly, should be: breathes

Nazi 1 approaches with the knife. Puts it to his stomach.
Bit mild with your verbs here - I'd use 'wields' or 'waves' , or similar. 'Puts it...' Hmm, did he stab him at this point? Either way 'puts' is inadequate imh.

Police are saying or Investigators are saying, & the victim is in, or the man/the Security Guard. Yes, being picky again.

Wouldn't he just say 'the big packet' instead of fifty milligram?
White Ox, very good. Old, strong stuff, worn out man's tobacco.
Once outside 'flips off his father' . That 'inside' isn't needed unless he is still inside.
Nice touch the Miami Heat singlet.

... on each of their heads

Not taking an eye off the Father
and his Son.

I learned early on to write what a character is doing as opposed to what he's not doing. I get what you're going for but it might be stronger if you write something like: 'eyes trained on father and son' or similar. Up to you, of course.

Cigarette paper - you've an 'orphan' there so may as well.

Turn their backs
Ambulance is on its way - typo 'it's'

You'd better call him Muslim Father at the end. I know you're trying to 'reveal' in a big way here but you call this character a few different names.

...man who saved his life. As opposed to 'that'.

Okay, now maybe you didn't want all that. Use what's helpful, disregard the rest.

I love this story. Very impressive.

Continuing on from Warren's comments, and your own, it's unlikely Alister is going to do a complete turnaround in attitude from what is already ingrained, but the shock of him seeing his saviour as a fellow human being, and the final close up of his reaction is surely the significant thing. It will make him think, hopefully reassess.

In my opinion he can't possibly have a completed character arc to wanting to throw his arms around this man. I think that would be twee and unrealistic.

I'll give it some more thought... For now though:

The scene in Crash comes to mind between Thandie Newton and Matt Dillion where she protests him helping her, (she's going to die under the car without his help) then finally allows his help, and you see they both learn something. It's all in their reactions.

Great work with this!

P.S. If I'm on the GC whenever you're shooting? I'll stop on by. Perhaps a couple of hands at Jupiter's as well. :)
Posted by: Warren, September 10th, 2016, 11:37pm; Reply: 12

Quoted Text
the final close up of his reaction is surely the significant thing. It will make him think, hopefully reassess.

In my opinion he can't possibly have a completed character arc to wanting to throw his arms around this man. I think that would be twee and unrealistic.

The scene in Crash comes to mind between Thandie Newton and Matt Dillion where she protests him helping her, (she's going to die under the car without his help) then finally allows his help, and you see they both learn something. It's all in their reactions.
.  

That would have to be some pretty damn near prefect acting to pull that off in a look.

I agree that the hugging is too much, like I said a simple thank you says a lot.

The major difference in Crash is that they still physically react, she allows him to help her, we can see this. So going back to my original point, if all we are relying on here is a look to convey such an important message it better be spot on.
Posted by: LC, September 11th, 2016, 12:42am; Reply: 13
What I'm suggesting is that there should be ambivalence in that last reaction shot, not that he accepts everything in that moment. It can't possibly be a Brady Bunch moment - an audience would squirm. But it also would mean nothing if Alister rejects his saviour at the end i.e., a pointless and unsatisfying ending for an audience too.

Above all, this is written to challenge bigotry and prejudice, and make both the characters and the audience think about paths and attitudes chosen, and challenge how much those attitudes have been made and forged by someone else entirely - in this case his father's indoctrination, and to an extent those around him, his peers.

That the ending is in fact only the beginning of Alister's evolving independently.

The alt ending is of course that he remains conscious for long enough that he does meet the eyes of the one saving him. I don't know... I quite like it the way it ends now. Will be interested in other's opinions.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

P.S. Doctor's bag. Brandon, another apostrophe needed.
Posted by: BSaunders, September 11th, 2016, 5:35am; Reply: 14

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'he spots a dark corner'

You really need a new slug here/Mini Slug, cause this could well be a new set up for location. Further on you call it a Bin area.

I was actually wondering about that. Mini slug it is!


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'Jumps into ...' as opposed to 'in', yes I'm being pedantic. Where an object is involved it's 'into'.

I did not know that. Will remember that.


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Wouldn't he just say 'the big packet' instead of fifty milligram?

Perhaps? I was a smoker of the rollies for a few years, and so were a lot of mates/work mates, and they always referred to the milligram size. Not big and small. Below the border may be different?


Quoted Text
I learned early on to write what a character is doing as opposed to what he's not doing. I get what you're going for but it might be stronger if you write something like: 'eyes trained on father and son' or similar. Up to you, of course.


Another thing I didn't know. And another thing I will remember.


Quoted Text
You'd better call him Muslim Father at the end. I know you're trying to 'reveal' in a big way here but you call this character a few different names.

Yeah, I think I fucked up there. I didn't know whether to call him Father or Muslim Father, so I changed it a few times. Will defo rework that.


Quoted Text
In my opinion he can't possibly have a completed character arc to wanting to throw his arms around this man. I think that would be twee and unrealistic.

That was my initial thought. A little too corny?


Quoted Text
What I'm suggesting is that there should be ambivalence in that last reaction shot, not that he accepts everything in that moment. It can't possibly be a Brady Bunch moment - an audience would squirm. But it also would mean nothing if Alister rejects his saviour at the end i.e., a pointless and unsatisfying ending for an audience too.

Spot on. I'll re-write it to describe emotions better.


Quoted Text
Above all, this is written to challenge bigotry and prejudice, and make both the characters and the audience think about paths and attitudes chosen, and challenge how much those attitudes have been made and forged by someone else entirely - in this case his father's indoctrination, and to an extent those around him, his peers.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Thanks a ton for the time to read and comment, mate. I'll be nominating you for Triple M's dead set legend, that's for damned sure.

8)

Posted by: LC, September 13th, 2016, 5:31am; Reply: 15
Giving this a bump so more regulars, at least, give this a read and critique.

Brandon's an SS regular, is filming this in the near future, is open to feedback, and this is a really great script imh.  

Not that I'd want to influence anyone. ;)
Posted by: RichardR, September 13th, 2016, 11:51am; Reply: 16
Brandon,

Some notes.  

First, I'm not big on blatant characters.  I prefer subtlety, but this is your story.  

I think you might consider making the security guard in the first scene a bit more courageous.  If you wish to contrast the guard against the thugs, then have him fight.  He'll still get hurt, but he'll be on his own terms.

The teenagers in the car work for me.  It's the setup for the last scene, and I buy it.  I'm not sure Alistair would have his razor in the bag and not in pocket.  Seems like a damn inconvenient place for it.  And it's actually unnecessary since the teenager is going to bop Alistair from behind.  

And the Muslim man is a doctor....hmmm.  Seems too good to be true.  I know you're trying to get some kind revelation out of Alistair, but that's not clear.  You need another scene for that.  You might consider giving the doctor a moment of doubt.  He's kneeling beside Alistair, and he has the razor in his hand--just before his son shows up with the doctor's bag.  

Good luck with this.  

Best
Richard
Posted by: BSaunders, September 17th, 2016, 5:34pm; Reply: 17
Sorry about the late reply! I've been as busy as a bee this week! You're a gem, Libby. Thank you!  ;D


Quoted Text
I think you might consider making the security guard in the first scene a bit more courageous.  If you wish to contrast the guard against the thugs, then have him fight.  He'll still get hurt, but he'll be on his own terms.


Good thought, but It's just not what I was going for. IMO having the Guard scared for his life and completely defenceless, gives the Skinheads the absolute power. And that's what I want the reader/viewer to feel.


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I'm not sure Alistair would have his razor in the bag and not in pocket

Good call, haha.


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And the Muslim man is a doctor....hmmm.  Seems too good to be true.  I know you're trying to get some kind revelation out of Alistair, but that's not clear.  You need another scene for that.  You might consider giving the doctor a moment of doubt.  He's kneeling beside Alistair, and he has the razor in his hand--just before his son shows up with the doctor's bag.

Another good thought, and again, just not what I was going for.

Too good to be true? Mmmmm, isn't that the beauty of cinema?

About the moment of doubt thing... This whole story is about the Muslim being the better man. If I was to give him have a moment of doubt, it wouldn't completely emphasize how wrong Alister is in his beliefs.

And besides, Doctors are Doctors because they want to help people. If they see someone dying, even if it is a young impressionable kid with fucked up beliefs, they're going to do what they can to help.

I appreciate the time you took to read and give feedback, Richard, and I will definitely take your notes into consideration.

Cheers
Posted by: MarkItZero, September 17th, 2016, 8:30pm; Reply: 18
This story doesn't really feel like new territory, but that's okay, it was still an enjoyable read. I liked that you gave a little sliver of his home life with the framed photo and the rough father. Maybe there's still room to fit a little something else into that brief glimpse into Alister's "private" life. Maybe something you wouldn't expect from a young Nazi punk kid. Maybe he listens to Jazz music. I dunno, something that makes him stand out a bit.

As for the ending, to me a Doctor seems like the least likely person to "shock" Alister out of his current thinking. Doctor's save lives. Even people they hate. It's kinda their thing. I could see Alistar just brushing that off as something the guy was required to do.

The scenario that would really shake him to the core would be if the father from the basketball courts runs over and tries to break up the fight. Then he ends up taking a bullet for Alister and dying in his arms.
Posted by: BSaunders, September 18th, 2016, 1:06am; Reply: 19

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This story doesn't really feel like new territory, but that's okay, it was still an enjoyable read.

No, it's not new territory and that's the only thing that bugs me about it. But fuck it, I love skinhead movies. They put me on the edge of my seat and I always know I'm always going watch something intense and violent.


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Maybe something you wouldn't expect from a young Nazi punk kid. Maybe he listens to Jazz music. I dunno, something that makes him stand out a bit.

Mate, I love this idea. I will find a way to engrave this into the story on the next draft.


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The scenario that would really shake him to the core would be if the father from the basketball courts runs over and tries to break up the fight. Then he ends up taking a bullet for Alister and dying in his arms.

See, this works opposite for me. Why would Alister care if a bunch of white boys shot a Muslim after he threatened to shoot him himself? Especially the day after he stabbed one half to death.

Alister is an impressionable kid, who has been brainwashed to hate by his father's views and his Mothers death. And as an impressionable kid, he is more likely to be persuaded into re-thinking his beliefs if the Muslim man saved his life, after he was on the brink of death, rather than trying to break up a fight, putting himself in what he thinks to be not much danger.

Anyway, cheers for the read, mate and I will take your feedback into consideration.
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