That Time of Year by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - An old, dying man returns to campus to relive how it changed his life. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Another great read. You really pump out the scripts.

SPOILERS, maybe:

Man I did not see that coming, really well set up to spin it all around at the end. Had a kind of a notebook feel to it and then wham.

One tiny issue, take it or leave it. A couple of your scene transitions felt awkward. One was, okay I need to eat and the other, okay I need to pee. Sure you will know what I mean. Again it's a small issue but for me it stopped the nice flow of the story.

I know there have been a few of your shorts that I have not been a fan of, got to say the recent two are top notch.

Keep it up.

Hey Richard,

Nice little tale, liked the ending with Marley finally facing his demons years later, after Jonni passed away. The ending didn't quite fit the tone of the rest of the story, which kind of read like a literary version of a Norman Rockwell painting.  It read very nostalgic... then that deep, dark secret about him murdering Sue. I understand that mentioning Sue's murder earlier would give the twist away, but still...

Marley's rambling ways were part of his 80 year old character, I guess. It helped keep the twist hidden beneath the scattered rambling. But at times, it felt a bit too aimless and unnatural. Specifically, during flashback V.O., he asks Hannah if she's hungry -- felt very out of place. In fact, you could've gone without that V.O. dialogue and just brought us to the next scene, as they were eating/drinking soda anyway. It's a bit redundant.

The writing could definitely be tightened up, didn't feel like things were worded or arranged as cleanly as they could've been... it didn't read quite as clean and fast as it should have.

Quoted Text EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM – DAY Hannah and Marley are the only people in the vast stands that seat tens of thousands on football Saturdays. The field is empty.

Could've just been...

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY

Rows upon rows of empty stands meant for thousands. At a...

MIDDLE ROW OF BLEACHERS

Hannah and Marley sitting alone. He gazes down at the field.

Or even...

Hannah and Marley sit alone in the bleachers, surrounded by rows of empty seats meant for thousands.

That's just one example.

Also, with flashbacks, it gets confusing if you mention 60 YEARS AGO in the slug, especially if the flashback stays a flashback. For instance, in one slug, it reads 60 YEARS AGO. In the next slug, still a flashback, you mention again 60 YEARS AGO. So, we're going back an additional 60 years before that first 60 years ago? Now, I understood that this wasn't 120 years ago, but still. When you do a flashback, just mention EXT. PLACE - DAY (FLASHBACK). When you return to present time, just write INT. PLACE - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT DAY). No need to keep mentioning that we're in a flashback. And no need to mention 60 YEARS AGO in the slug... how would the audience know that? You'd have to put 60 YEARS AGO as a SUPER, but I wouldn't recommend that. The fact that you describe a 20 year old Marley is all you need to indicate to the audience that this a flashback. Just (FLASHBACK) in the slug and (BACK TO PRESENT) when we're back to present time.

Still, I did like the ending. The script was executed in a very subdued manner. And the ending was executed in a very subdued kind of way that didn't make it seem too over the top and jarring.

Overall, not bad. I'd tighten up the writing a bit, cut down on the Marley character's babbling just a little bit. Maybe only change locations when the location relates to Marley's flashback, seemed like there was a bit of changing locations just for the sake (like when they're sitting, drinking soda).

-- Michael

I sort of agree with the above poster. The tone didn't fit the ending. I got a clue that Marley was a bit odd when he admitted to being a stalker. If Marley is willing to kill some one just to date his love interest would make him a psychopath. Marley could have come clean much sooner if he grew a conscious, but he waited until his life was practically over. With nothing to lose he sacrificed nothing so his action can't be seen as a redeeming choice IMHO.

I liked your descriptions though. That part was well done.

Richard,

Something feels a little off here. I think it has something to do with the abruptness of the murder. Here it seems you have a sweet romantic tale, and then it turns. Just too sharp a left turn. As soon as you mentioned the murder I figured it out.  Guess I was supposed to at that moment.

The set up felt a little long. I think you can easily trim this down without losing any of its impact.

Also, in your opening you describe Marley as a dying man who's lived a full life. Sounds like a bit of an awkward description as we really can't tell that from you just saying it. You know how the rest goes.

Also, this didn't read as polished as some of your other work. Don't know if that was intentional, but it feels kinda jumpy. You have slugs spilling into two lines. Surely there must be a way to correct things like that. Sorry, that's just me nitpicking.

Overall, some cool imagery and a good feel early on but it didn't work for me in the end.

Steve

Richard,

I was thinking this was going to be a sweet tale of lost love and then you went and switched it up.

Not a fan of the opening paragraph.  You’re telling us Marley’s dying, but we wouldn’t be seeing it.  I’m sure you know your way around a script by now to work that into the story.

It’s a bit long winded.  On the plus side you build a good picture of Marley's love for Jonni and I think the end is enough of a surprise to bear it out.    

Hannah’s necessary but feels too passive.  There’s flashes of ‘character’ when she mentions her parents holding hands and that no-one ever offered her their jacket but otherwise she feels pretty wooden.  Mostly there to ask Marley questions - I respect that’s her role, but no harm in giving her a little spice.  What if she’s really not into showing this old guy around?  She’s also way too accepting/calm during his admission, almost like she knew it was coming - or maybe she did?

What if there were a memorial to Sue - it gives you a visual to work with and cuts out the whole ‘hey look what I found on the interweb’ moment...

What was Sue’s ‘or else’?  I’m guessing it’s him copying the answers, but would she have known that before she went to see him?  I’m still not sure why her opposition to Marley was so strong.  Feels like the motive here could be stronger.  Maybe just me…

Took a bit to get to the punch but I like where you went with this and it totally threw my expectations.  Good luck with it.

Steve

Hi Richard,

Another enjoyable read, with a nice spin  I agree that once you mention the murder, we're already ahead of the story. Maybe you can prolong the reveal until they are in the chapel. As he's actually retrieving the weapon. Although he's old you could build some suspense there if need be.

Best