Saber-Toothed Cat by Larry A. Jaggard - Short, Drama - A little girl's mother wants to rid the family of her daughter's beloved undomesticated cat until the mother faces the jaws of a vicious dog. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

It was a nice little story at its core.

The writing and formatting needs a bit of work.

I can’t see this ever being made. Either you will need some really well trained pets or some great computer graphics, neither of which, I imagine, anybody would be pouring money into for a short.

Good luck with it.

Some notes.

The story is anti-climatic in its setup.  The cat and dog are going to have a go.  The little girl will be in jeopardy.  The despised cat saves the day.  You might explore ways to lead the audience off the track a bit.  Give them a hint and then reverse on them.  The dialogue is too repetitive.  It's the same thing over and over.  Go to some new place.  

Best
Richard

First, I hate Dobermans..   so I was rooting for Miss Blackie right off.

Kind of knew where the story was going from the start but for me that's okay.  I think you got where you wanted to go;
tears of joy.  Cute , satisfying.  Hooray for Carrie, Misha and Miss Blackie. A film not for everyone though.

I thought your writing flowed;  One glaring typo on page 1: leach law needs to be changed to leash law.

Also,  I think we all get carried away with descriptions; I know I do. We love coloring outside the lines.

"A hefty Doberman snarls and barks ferociously at Raul from behind the door."  I don't think you need to add,

"Not a friendly dog"  Pretty certain Bruiser Ain't friendly.

Was enjoyable, keep on keepin' on.

R

'Not a friendly dog. Much like his owner'. You should 'show, don't tell'. Carrie does quite a lot of crying. Maybe you should show more signs of her accepting her situation? I think her panic attack symptoms, on page 10 are a little excessive. Maybe it would be fine if she had mental problems. Oh no! Poor Miss Blackie! That's awful. It's good the way you make the reader care about a cat. Personally, I would have preferred a sad ending. I think the story is a bit twee. Overall, pretty good, I think.

Alreet Larry,

So cat vs dog. It's a pretty bloody obvious concept, and one I'm gutted I didn't think of first! There are so many directions you can take the old cat vs dog thing, you've gone for family drama, not sure that works for me but it's your script so your choice.

As Warren posted above, it'll be impossible to film this on a shoestring budget, unless you're bloody good at training those little four legged friends, so that's your biggest sticking point. Next up are the typo issues. Simple check for this before you publish your work is to copy all of your text across to a word doc, and it'll point out spelling and syntax problems. Also you should bold the DOBERMAN on its introduction, it is a fairly integral character.

So, if you're to re-visit this script, try to work out different ways of keeping the pets integral to the piece, but in situations where they don't actually need to be filmed doing significant pieces of action. That method won't work with the passionate drama, but shit, I'd be heading straight down the comedy route with the animals myself, always good for a laugh.

For some reason I saw Miss Blacky (maybe change the name, I suggest Tiddles) saving the day and scaring off the dog, not committing doggy murder! All is forgiven, the family and their feline friend are finally united as one. A beat passes as Louise and Miss Blacky's eyes meet, and an understanding is realised...then Raul pulls up in the car and accidentally runs the cat over. END.

That's my comedy ending anyway, but maybe I've been watching too much Peep Show.

Regardless of what direction you want this to go in, you need to figure out a way of not needing to film action around the pets. I see comedy abound, drama maybe not.

All the best

Cam

Hi Larry,

I think this story has a lot of potential.

I liked how you opened the story with some conflict, and I find some of the characters relatable.
However, I think there are some things that could be improved upon like the hook for example. For me, there wasn't a strong enough connection to the real conflict of the story to make me care about the cat. Also, I think you could better utilize dialogue to add some tension into the scenes and allow us a glimpse into the characters' personalities.

All the best,

Jo