Respect by Nolan Bryand - Short, Drama, Comedy - Mr. Glass is tired of being disrespected by his students.  He finally takes measures into his own hands to force their respect. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

***Spoilers Ahead***

Nolan,
Gave this a read.  When I saw Mr. White, and he's a teacher, I was thinking of some Breaking Bad.😀  Others might also, so you may want to change his name.

IMHO, I think you could dump the first scene of hallway.  I would start in the classroom and having the entire class not showing respect (paper airplanes or whispering while his back is to them).  I know you're trying to show some connection between him and Patrick but think it's better if you don't.  Then the reveal at the end is better.

I'd also trim some of the conversations down.  No need for hello or goodbye unless it's necessary.

Other than that, pretty good and few locations.  Easy to film and get real students as extras who would do it for free for sure!

Good luck with this one.

Nolan,

Some notes.

This is both good and not so good.  The topic is good and the structure works.  I like reversals.  The problems come with showing your characters.

In the opening scene, you need to show the disrespect.  He tells them to move on to class, and they may give lip service, but they don't move.  If he stops, they start to move but stop as soon as he stops looking.  

you don't need to tell us what kind of class room it is.  Simply say it is, and it's full.  When Patrick walks in, why does he offer anything?  

To show more, have White call on a student who gives a joke answer.  The class laughs,  and Mr. White does nothing.

The bit with the phone is great.  White shows some balls.  You might get your point across better if he takes the phone back, hands it to Patrick, and asks if anyone else wants to make a call.  No takers.

The principal scene is a great example of getting in late and leaving early.  Skip all the stuff we already know, and get to the decision.  Mr. and Mrs. won't pursue provided you apologize and pay for a new phone.  Not much more need be said.  And I'm not sure Patrick needs to lie about what happened.  White can't go around destroying phones.

You might consider the last sequence bookending the first.  White coming down the hall, telling the boys to get to class, and they scurry.  And then, the final explanation with Patrick.  Patrick's happy to lose a bit of his goody-goody persona, since chicks dig bad boys.  And White enjoys more respect.  When he asks a question, he doesn't get a smart aleck answer.

Best
Richard

It wasn't bad.

I found that it was slightly over written in parts in both the dialogue and action.

Occasionally you should switch up the perspective from which you are telling the story, what I mean by this is, take a look down the left hand side of page 4 I think it is. He does this, he does that, he, he, he. I can't remember an exact example but for instance, he smashes the phone could be the book comes down hard, smashes the phone. I get picked up on this all the time. It reads much better if you switch it up a bit.

I think it can be shorter, I found it long at 10 pages, for what it was.

I really didn't see the ending coming.

Good luck with it.

Thanks for the reads guys.  I really enjoy writing dialogue for some reason, so that's why there seems to always be a lot in my scripts.  Thanks for all the suggestions.  I'll definitely take them into consideration and take another look at this.

Nolan

Not an awful lot to add to what's already been said, but Richard's suggestion about handing the phone back with a quip is a good one.

It does need shortening, and there's some superfluous description in there such as the book case. Sounds good in terms of the writing, but clogs up the read.

It's clear what White gets from this, but aside from the phone, there doesn't seem much in it for Patrick. That needs fleshing out. There is the mention of Patrick essentially saving White's job, so perhaps he can gain in the sense that previously he was considered a snitch. Would also add another layer to Patrick who seems too perfect at the minute.

Anyway, good luck with it.

This was a cute little script - like the concept and I didn't see where you were going with it right away, so good job.

I'd work on the execution, like others have said. Not so sure that replacing a cell phone is such a big deal nowadays? Most people would have insurance on it (and a deductible, but that's usually about 20% of the cost of the phone) and Patrick could just tell his parents he lost it.

And I think you over-explain why Patrick needs Mr. White's help because of it. If he's the captain of a football team he must be about 16? I'd make the kids younger. And maybe switch the device to a tablet?

And as the others have said, the narratives are a bit long. No need to spend 4 lines telling us what a classroom looks like. But as you continue to read and write scripts you'll get the hang of showing us what's on the screen instead of telling us.

Good luck with this! AJR

Thanks for the reads and comments guys.  

Just a few things that maybe someone can weigh in on.  With regards to Patrick lying about not talking in the class, I felt if he did tell the truth, his parents wouldn't get a new phone for him.  I wanted to portray his parents as people who wouldn't just give him a free ride, especially if he was dis-respecting Mr. White by talking on his cell phone during class.  And if he lost it, then they'd just get him another old crappy phone.  All the kids seem to want the new stuff these days!  

I do like bookending the beginning with the end, I think that's a great idea.  And I like the idea of a tablet.  

I'll trim it up and see what I can do with the rest.  Everyone has introduced some great ideas!  

Nolan

Nolan,

Good job on this. I really enjoyed it, no problem following along, everything clear. Nice twist -- well done. Only thing I would consider is trimming the end a little. It seems to run on just a tad too long. Very quick fix. Otherwise, great job!

Steve

Nicely done.  
Loved the phone smashing scene; Well thought out.   Good set-up, action and finish.
  
Too much dialogue maybe.  I agree with most of the other suggestions.  

All in all, an enjoyable read.  Hope it gets filmed.

Thanks for the reads and comments guys.  I submitted an updated version yesterday that's now down to seven pages.  

Nolan

This was just optioned today.  

Nolan