Joe by Warren Duncan - Two amateur documentary film makers get more than they paid for when they interview Joe, a homeless man who lives in the woods. - Short, Horror, Found Footage - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi all,

Some of you may remember this as Taxi Joe form the last OWC.

Admittedly I have not changed a whole lot, but there are changes. Really just looking for more exposure. Still, all comments and feedback are welcome.

Thanks.

I remember you took a look at my horror feature... will give this a look when I get home. Seems to be in my wheelhouse.

-- Michael

Thank, Michael.

I’m still going with Corpse Flower, got to page 62 yesterday. I hope to finish it today.

Hey Warren,

Not much to say here for me.  It's a great, quick read.  

Personally though, I'm not a fan of the Blair Witch type stories of people going out to the woods.  But that's just me.  I'm sure there a lot of people who disagree with me!

On page five though you have "you're" instead of "your" in Joe's dialogue.  

Good luck with it.

Nolan

Hey Warren,

Page 1 - I'd indicate whether Becca's car is moving or not. Had to go back and re-read the "the road rushes by" part to realize that the car was driving.

Page 2 - Should be "grabs the lens" not "gabs the lens".

Page 6 - "Becca SCREAMS, turns, Joe waits." Worded strangely. Rather, punctuated strangely. It's a bit confusing. Maybe

Quoted Text Becca screams and turns just as -- Joe, out of nowhere, throws his fist into her face.

Or something to dictate what we're seeing more vividly.

Page 7 - Where exactly is the camera? You say it's illuminating the car. But are we inside it? Is it lying on the ground, outside? The way it's written is quite confusing. I'm not sure what I'm looking at, here.

OVERALL:

This didn't really work for me. I know it's a short, but it felt rushed. There wasn't much tension and I didn't really care what would or could happen to Becca or Reggie. There was nothing unique about them. Or even any qualities about them that made me like or hate them. I felt indifferent. Horror films, even bad ones, you're either rooting for the characters or you're hoping they get killed in a cool way. And there was nothing unique about your killer, Joe. I was hoping for something more clever and didn't quite get that.

Also, the writing could use a little tightening up... I was often confused by what I was seeing. Not because it was a found-footage, but because I wasn't given a clear visual via the writing. And that, of course, hurt the pace of the read, thus compromising the tension that I should have felt. More specifically, I'm talking about the last scene with Reggie. The location of the camera was unclear. And the ending was a bit anti-climactic. It just felt ho-hum. I would have liked to see something more clever, especially when dealing with found-footage, which has grown tiresome over the years. But once in a while, there will be a take on the found footage genre that IS clever that brings me back to it. For instance, "Creep" with Mark Duplass.

I'm not quite sure how else you could improve this. Maybe make Joe not the killer? Have whoever is in the trunk play a more clever role in the story's conclusion? The moment we here a thump in the trunk, I though something more clever would come into play later. But the route you chose was the most basic and predictable route you could've gone. Maybe structure it differently? Start off with a good scare or creepy image? Then go into the story a little bit, the mythology?

I read another short of yours, I think "Imaginary Friend". The writing seemed a bit tighter in that one and had a nice premise and was, overall, pretty clever. So, I know you're capable of better. Perhaps you rushed this one a bit? Either or, you're here for feedback. Hopefully this helps in some way with any future drafts. It's nothing a rewrite or two can't fix.

-- Michael

Thanks for taking a look, Nolan and Michael.

Will take your thoughts into consideration. Always appreciate good, honest feedback, or else whats the point.

Cheers.

This reminded me of Jimmy and Judy. Weird as fuck movie.

I liked it. I think. You've done better and will do better again.

Best of luck with it.

Hey Warren! This was a quick read.

First things first (Iggy):

Quoted Text In 2008 Becca Conway and Reggie Fletcher went into Long Valley National Park to film a documentary. The pair did not return home. This footage was found three weeks after their disappearance.

This isn't super helpful because I can't explain why, but this super could be better -- it could have more punch. It's similar to Blair Witch in setup, so to "survive" that it's going to need more character.

Pg. 1 -- So you know, and I know, and most people can figure out from context, that this is a found footage film. But the mini-scene with the journo clearly isn't part of the footage, so is it a video tape of the interview? Is it a "fiction" part of the narrative? And how do we know when the found footage starts? Like, I'm 99% sure when it starts but there's no clear deliniator. I know it's hard because you're not supposed to do camera directions, but I'd think there's an exception in this case? Feel free to correct me.

Pg. 4 -- Joe changes his mind with the offer of money; from what I know about Joe in the last 3 pages, he wouldn't have a lot of use for money.


**

Ok, so, 20 years later, I still like the Blair Witch Project so I had a soft spot for this. It's hard to develop tension in 7 pages so I commend the effort.

It's just...there's nothing suspenseful about Joe. He's a homeless guy who is a cannibal? The interview with the journo at the start actually interrupts the suspense because we KNOW Joe is the villain/monster/bad thing. If that weren't there, we'd have more of a shock.

I liked Reggie dismissing the bones on the fire when coming across them; we know that they're human bones but the characters aren't aware.

Your writing is fine, dialogue is good. Found footage dialogue is naturally a little weird because of the documentery aspect so you did well with that.

I just think if this were a little longer it'd be a stronger script.

Good job :)

Thanks, Brandon and Ben.

Seem to be getting a lot of the same thoughts on this one this time round.

Somehow it faired better with the comments it got in the OWC.

Lots to think about.

Cheers.

Fast and easy read, as usual, even though the genre is not my cup of tea.

What I like most about your scripts is that they are simple and clean. You're not trying to use as many "complex" sentences as possible just to make the script look like something super extraordinary.

Thanks for the read and compliment, Ben.

Appreciated.

Hey, Warren.
I thought I read it before then saw it's Taxi Joe.

A found footage slasher.

I am lost as to who is on camera - and maybe because you miss O.S. at times - like in the first scene you haven't introduced Reggie but there's no O.S. for some lines.

And then I'd appreciate if you told us who's holding the camera - the image of them in the car is not very clear to me. I know one of them is constantly holding the camera - I suppose I need to watch all of these off stages, but it's tiring. I prefer you stated the position of the camera and that would be it.

I wish there was more of the scare. Maybe they could tell each other awful taxi stories. Or scary Joe stories. Or nice Joe stories but have some kind of scare on the way there - to divert our attention off Joe.

You gave us the give-away beginning. I'm not sure about it.

Thanks for the re-read, Khamanna.

Yes Reggie isn’t technically introduced in caps in the first scene because we never see him, I did forget to put the O.S's in, my bad. Will be fixed tonight. Thanks for picking that up. Amazing how many times you can check something and olny see what you want to see.

I think it is pretty clear who is holding the camera, not sure how it isn’t. I definitely won’t be making it clearer by telling the reader who is holding it. If you can see someone on camera, obviously the other person is holding it, there are only two characters that share the camera. Again, not sure what the issue is.

I agree that this probably needs more of a punch.

Not sure I give anything away, as such, in the beginning. A lot of found footage films start this way. You know something goes wrong but it isn’t clear what. How can you tell from the beginning that they get killed and consumed by a cannibal?

Thanks for your feedback.

You don't give away that they will get eaten alive but you give away that they met a dangerous guy and lost to him (disappeared). It's also implied twice, having a super and a "narrator" (the journalist) who never reappeared.

In the original script, the hook read more as I'm into an adventure script and you gave more "options" with the term TAXI Joe. There we also could possibly expect you tell something about a guy having weird reasons to just live in a car f.i. – and there were possibilities other than him waiting to rock them in a physical conflict. Now it's pretty clear they're going under there. So, I agree with Kham if that's what she means...

I also have to say the title was cooler before. It gave me more the feeling of: what the hell is a Taxi Joe? I wanna know. Just knew Banana Joe before.

However, you know that I liked the script in the OWC. And my opinion hasn't changed because of those little changes.  I think it does work- So best of luck.

Thanks for taking a look.

I'll think on what you said and have another look at the script tomorrow.

Appreciate it.

Hi Warren,

Take what you like and discard the rest!

It was well paced and written, but I agree with the others, it needs more story, twist.

The opening action line didn't confuse me, I got that they were driving. I like the play and silliness between them at the beginning, good dialogue, well executed.

'two large bones laying smoldering on the coals', this part stuck out for me.... I thought instantly that the bones were human, legs or arm bones, because you described them as large. I figured they would see this too, and felt surprised when  neither of them reacted to the size of the bones. Maybe you could eliminate the word large, instead describe that they still had meat on them, fresh? ...  It will still make sense later that they were human. Just as long as we know there were bones.

I agree with Michael about 'Joe waits, a fist races towards her.'  This part seems too subtle. It's confusing at first. I'm wondering... where is Joe? Then all of a sudden there is a fist in her face. I'm taken away from her then thrust back at her with the fist from nowhere, then I realize it's Joe....too much figuring out for a small action shot.  I think we just need to know where Joe is in that moment, and the rest is evident.  


I'm sure you can come up with a clever twist to this. :)

Thanks for the read, Kristen.

Your comments are pretty much echoed by everyone, so I'll probably do a bit of a rewrite if I can be bothered with this one.

I did fix a few bits and pieces up though. I thought I changed the whole Joe punching her part, does it still read awkwardly?

Anyway, cheers for the input.

Warren,

Remember this, of course, from the owc. I liked it then, wasn't enamored with it. I remember commenting about we didn't feel too much for our protags. This is still true. Just two stupid kids who hear a knock from inside the trunk yet still decide to come back at night. Silly, but it's a horror. My rule of thumb with horror is that anything goes, that is if you're doing like a Freddy or Jason thing. Those can get pretty silly. You're not going for that here, that's why their decision to come back may not seem to fit. Personally, I'd be scared shirtless the first time. But then, if they don't come back then how are they gonna get killed, right?

We pretty much know from the get-go these kids are gonna get killed. Why not lead us on a little, give us a false sense of calm? Make Joe super nice at first, then turn the tables on us later? Maybe. Just an idea.  

And another thing about this, and I believe someone had mentioned this too, was that there appeared to be no dire consequence for them to get this footage. Perhaps it could've been a school project where, if it doesn't get done, one of our protags fails the course or something like that. I dunno. At least then you'd have a reason for them to go back.

Sorry if I repeated anything. Didn't read any comments.

Aside from all that, very well written and played out in my mind nicely. Just needs a little rationale, IMO.

Steve

Thanks for taking another look, Steven.

I’m in two minds about this script, one day I want to knuckle down and try turn it into something better and the next I feel like it’s run its course.

I truly love this subgenre and it was my first attempt at it.

I recently finished a feature so I don’t think I'll write anything new until after the OWC. Maybe then I will have a good look at this.

Appreciated as always.