Tony:
Kind of jammed - but I did give the first 12 pages a read.
Not my genre at all - but I kind of like what I've read so far. Kind of has a female-driven Deadpool vibe to it.
Overall first thoughts:
Your descriptive and action writing is outstanding. Crisp - clean, fast paced and very visual. It really is solid.
Bird Girl's dialogue is spot on. You make her an interesting and compelling character. I got a real feel for her right off the bat.
Terry's dialogue is not as strong. I found him over the top stereotypical - bland. I have no problem with the nerd wanna be reporter angle - it's just a little too over the top - too on the nose in the dialogue. This dude is going to be with us the whole script and I think - as written - he is going to become tedious very fast. I dunno - I'd like to see him be a little brighter. Shy and unworldly is fine. He just comes off as a little too unaware. I think I would like him more if he were a little bit more like the Jonah Hill character in Money Ball. May not be fair comments having only read 12 pages - but thought I should at least let you know what my initial reaction was.
Would have liked to seen a little follow-up on the dude with his finger cut off. In the apartment, Terry should be asking about him. e.g., What was the deal with the guy..
I like bold slugs - not a fan of bold character names - just my taste.
This is another nit for me. There are two many instances of incomplete sentences that are a bit unnatural. e.g.,
Quoted Text TERRY Thank you. You saved... |
two or three in the first four pages. Unless the character is lost in thought - I would just complete the sentence.
This:
Quoted Text TERRY Sorry. Everybody’s talking about you -- the hero who’s cleaning up the streets of Brooklyn.
|
Was a little too OTN for me. I would break it up, e.g.,
TERRY
Sorry. Everybody’s talking about
you.
BIRD GIRL
(sarcastic - looking at picture)
Are they talking about my ass?
TERRY
No. Of course not. You're making Brooklyn safe.
(beat)
You're a hero. Don't must know that.
Okay - the above were just nit issues. Overall - I think you really may have something here and, as said earlier, the Girl's dialogue and the action sequences are really well written. Loved them.
Again - not sure how this ends, but title wise I like "Raven" more than "Bend".
Nice work