Count Your Blessings by Kirsten James - Short, Drama - It's a normal day and another quiet ride on the community bus for Julie, or so she thinks. Sam the driver is having a bad morning, her ride to work may become the last ride she ever takes 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Don.

The link is down for this one.

Fixed.

I really struggled to feel anything for Sam or Julie.

Yes Sam is having the worst day imaginable, but it all feels forced for the story. Almost everything we find out about him is through expostional dialogue, much the same with Julie. Even after 10 pages I didn't care if Julie lived or died.

The writting was okay. Some typos and grammar issues that would be easy to spot if you gave it another read.

If you address someone in dialogue you need a comma for example hi Sam would be hi, Sam.

Ellipses are 3 dots not 10 or how ever many you used.

You over use wrylies. I think you can get rid of almost all of them. If you really need the information it would be better to write it into your action.

I'm generally telling people to make things shorter, but I think this story would only benefit from a little backstory (shown not told) on Julie and Sam, hopefully it would engage us more with the characters.

Be quite expensive to produce, I imagine.

Good luck with it.

Just checking this is showing up...yadda yadda yadda

Okay I wrote a reply yesterday Warren, but it's gone? Anyway, thank you heaps for the read and very helpful feedback.

This was getting stale in my head and I wanted to get a fresh perspective so I impatiently posted it. I even forgot to put the genre and length, it's actually suppose to be horror/drama. Not sure if that would make a difference to the way the reader approaches it..

Yeah the writing needs work. And yes I was too busy trying to convey emotions to give them any kind of likable or dislikable personalities.

Wrylies, cool will cut back on those. once again too busy focusing on conveying emotional states..

I didn't know what expositional dialogue was, so it's great you mentioned it...

And definitely expensive, I forgot to mention it was more of a practice piece....

Can I ask one question?  Did you like the story line or was it blah?.... :) I actually use to use this bus service where I live in Ohio, names changed of course, and wanted to write a horror based on it.

Some notes.

Others have pointed out the errors and mistakes--and the wrylies.  

The story is OK, but it lacks real action.  The only action seems to be the driving which isn't what you need to show.  And the ending but that his abbreviated.  Also, I think you should emphasize that Roberto not only doesn't complain, he's thankful for his lot in life.  The others are complainers.  If you can show that instead of talk about it, well, it's a stronger story.  And if you can hide it a little more by having Sam be a bit more upbeat, then you gain surprise.  After all, since Sam has already made the decision to end his life this way, why not make him happy?

Best
Richard

Hi Richard, thanks for reading, great feedback.

I think I might put this one on the shelf, and come up with a new idea. I can keep the bus idea, where something goes wrong for the passenger, but maybe not on the bus. And I'll keep Sams horrible experience and use it somewhere else..... All practice, and learning especially when it comes to  those bloomin wrylies! :)

Story wise, as is, I don’t think it works, mainly because most of the story is told in dialogue as previously mentioned. If this story played out in the action it might be more effective.

The premise of the story is good. A lot of suspense but it must be presented more clearly. Rewrite the script taking into consideration the excellent suggestions the readers have sent you. If I were you, I would not put it on a shelf.
Best,
Fausto

I think this has promise. Some thoughts:

I don't think you need the early scenes at the Bus Office. I would start with Julie.

I am not a fan of bolding the dialogue. It's not needed.

This line was a hiccup for me -  especially given what we learn later.

Quoted Text SAM I’m fine thanks. How are you?

To polite.

Quoted Text Another PASSENGER sits by the window. A skinny man with short black hair and olive complexion, dressed for something important.

If the passenger and the skinny man are one in the same, you don't need two references. Just write:

A SKINNY MAN, with short black hair and olive complexion,
dressed for something important sits by the window.

Quoted Text Roberto holds on tight to the seat in front, as he gets jolted around. At the same time Julie loses her grip and falls into the isle

Was Roberto introduced as a character before this?? If not, his name needs to be capped. Maybe I missed it.

IMO, the girl in the dumpster stuff is great as well as the dead wife. It gets two over the top and is out of order though. I think the order should be:

1. He relates the information about his daughter.
2. His wife took her life in grief.

I would add an ominous line after that - soemthing to the effect - you know what I loved most about my wife? She never complained.

You don't need the boy's murder by his Mom - it's over kill.

Why does he drive recklessly - I didn't understand the point of that. I could see him driving off a bridge or something at the end - but didn't see the purpose of all the U-turns. jumps over curbs, etc.

You have done some good stuff here. I did find the premise interesting. I would not shelve it.

Hi Dave,

Thanks for taking the time to read this. It was a nice surprise to see some more comments....

it's funny, I did originally start this with Julie, but then someone suggested more backstory...so I threw the first part in....

They are great points and I will definitely take them all into account as I look at this again!
Thank you for the encouragement to not bin it ;)!

I had a look at your website and it looks great, I'm looking forward to having a read of your scripts and learning a thing or too!

No problem Kirsten - glad they helped. Keep on keeping on :)