Resume by Jesse J. Smith - Short, Comedy - An unemployed College Graduate seeks employment at a Retail chain and tries to come to grips with his new position in life. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

It is quite well written, no real issues there. I could nit pick but they really aren’t war winners.

The comedy didn’t really land for me. I found the voices overs more annoying than anything else.

I see what you are trying to do, I just feel you missed the mark.

some notes

I was a bit confused.  I didn't quite get the voice overs, and they didn't seem that funny.  The ending was bizarre.  I'm afraid I can't add anything else.

Best
Richard

Well, not badly written but I have to agree with Warren and Richard.

I didn't get the point of this script. The story just doesn't work for me and the ending is really weird. Plus it has no connection to what was going on before!?

Pretty much agree with Richard, Warren, and Ben.

As for the ending; I think the idea is that Stephen is so desperate for new workers, he's willing to overlook almost anything- up to and including... ahem... Freeing Willy. Stephen talks of being willing to "overlook irregularities", says there are rules against overtime but he's willing to let it slide. He says Alex "will pretty much be living there", which implies lack of workers. Further evidence lies with Ronald- a guy years younger than Alex, with a "look of death" in his eyes. Hard job, low pay.

The final image was strong, I thought. What was missing were the distinct beats in which that power shift occurs. At the start, Alex has no power. In the end, he has some power, it's just power that doesn't matter -- he's still trapped by the job market, just like Stephen is.

I think we need to see the realization that leads up to the pants-dropping, and I think we need to feel much more strongly the high point -- you got the job! -- and the crash that comes after it -- this dead-eyed kid is your boss. All the pieces are here, but I think they need to be dramatized more. Let Alex move around a bit in the room. Give him some more action, something more to interact with to gauge his internal state. The water's good. Bring it in at the start and play with it -- he drops a cup, he finishes a cup, he yearns for more water, etc. Something to make the drama external.

Except for the final image, I didn't find this particularly funny. The V.O. doesn't seem to add much, but V.O.'s always harder on the page. What would the script be like without it?

I didn't find this as bewildering as the others.

I know what you're trying to say, and it was a pleasant read.

Like Heretic's said, the big thing that's missing is the fact that our protagonist goes from happy about the job to angry enough to wave his dick around. At what point does this happen? You establish the 20 year old boss and the dirty cup (?), plus the list of duties, but what's the breaking point? You have a nice transition for most of the script then BAM dicks aswingin'.

STEPHEN
Your job details will be--
ALEX
I got it?

Stephen nods.

What exactly happens here? I don't follow, and I reread it a few times. Does Alex immedietely know the details of the job? If so, we know that isn't accurate because of the list of duties. Why is it a question? Is Alex being snarky? Why does Stephen respond with a nod?

This would be a tiny little thing, but the script is littered with one-liners like this that were pretty unintentionally baffling.

Thanks for input,guys. This is an earlier work I wanted to explore. Thanks for he read and input going to work on transitions and comedy. It's mostly meant as a more dry comedy but going to work on it. Great feedback. Thanks a lot