Belle Boyd - Siren of the Shenandoah by Frank Fusco - Drama - In 1861, seventeen-year-old Belle Boyd shoots and kills a Union soldier attempting to molest her mother. Before the age of twenty-one, Belle is imprisoned twice, charged with spying for the Confederacy. Her courage is never more evident then at the Battle of Front Royal, Virginia where, risking her life, Belle runs through muddy streams and woods to inform Stonewall Jackson of a Union trap. Charged with aiding and abetting the enemy, Belle is taken to prison where she continues to defy Union authority. Set free during a prisoner exchange, Belle continues her spying activities and is aided by her lover, a Union colonel. He is captured by the Union and imprisoned on the charge of treason. He serves his sentence in the same cell once occupied by Belle.  Does Belle help him? Does her courage and bravery extend across the Atlantic ocean? 90 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Frank,
I love Civil War stuff.  So I gave your screenplay a read. I'm a novice Scr. Writer so you may want to process my input accordingly.
1) Your logline is way too long.  Too much info.  You don't tell the story in a Logline.  and don't ask questions!
  Just one sentence that grabs the potential reader's interest.   Who, does What and maybe Why.  You want to light a fire that your reader can extinguish only by reading your work.  WITH ONE SENTENCE.

2) Lot's of great ideas in your story.  BUT  I knew from the Logline that your screenplay would be overwritten.  Too much of everything.  Too many characters, too many scenes, too many actions.  Less is More!   If a scene, a character etc. isn't needed to move the story forward,  Toss It.  No matter how much you love it.  I know, tough to do, RIGHT?

3)Try to limit the amount of ON THE NOSE dialogue.  Character's dialogue shouldn't be used tell the reader what's going on; better to show the action or plant it in subtext.  

4) I thought your ending got a little overextended and "muddled" but all in all it was an OK read.


I think it definitely needs, some; no, a great deal perhaps of re-writing but your story has heart; most important.

Suggestion:  Check out some screenwriting tutorials on the internet.  There's a whole free education out there. Your basics are great.

R

Frank: Jake is correct about the log line. Way to overdone. Tons of resources are available. Just google how to write a log line.