The Analog Solution by Richard F. Russell - Short, Drama - A environmentalist accepts Russian contraband for a scientific experiment. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I don’t think this was anywhere near your best work. It felt rushed to be honest. The dialogue was off. It was on the nose and repetitive.

Quoted Text PAUL We change the world, Clare, we change the world. PAUL No evidence, no evidence PAUL Sadly, no, not yet. But I have a couple more days. CLARE Only two. Some of the crew came down with the flu.

A couple of days literally means two, I’m sure you know that but it’s like this all through the script, characters reiterating. And the actual double speech is just cringe worthy.

I didn’t like the heart as cold as a whore line. They are humans just like you and me, and many do it for varied reasons. So many things you could describe cold to, this one is just insulting for no reason.

Quoted Text PAUL, 40, glasses and long hair give him an activist air. Parka and mittens attest to the cold. Behind him a small ship lies tied to the pier. The peace symbols painted on the side mark it as a protester of the seas. The Cyrillic letters on the wharf indicate this is a Russian port.

Above, three action blocks in a row you tell us and show us what you mean. I think you only need to show us.

Way too expensive to make as a short, so I'm wondering if it's the start of something bigger or just a fun piece.

Sorry but this one fell short for me on several levels.

Hi,

The first two sentences scared me. "the whore's heart" and "Darkness rules even in the day" - I thought all of the prose is going to resemble novel writing. But it's not.

Some interesting turn of phrases - and I'm a non-native, so don't listen to me much) but I still want to point out "she pasts his arm" and "if it succeeds" - "if you succeed" maybe.

As I was on p4 I noticed that the half of the script gone by and I still don't know what it's about. He's doing some research. I don't have any idea what kind of research and why he has to do it on the ship. So by page 5 I'm not engaged much as I don't know anything.

As I'm on p7 I'm thinking that they are looking for radiation effects on Chernobyl victims. Am I right? Is it hard to find out if Chernobyl had radiation effects on its victims I wonder. Hmm.

I understand that the kids had smallpox? And Paul knew and decided to tell Claire at the end of thier journey. But smallpox gives high fever and severe rash at this age.
A little too subtle for me - I think you better show the kids bodies covered in smallpox or something - in the middle of the script, so we know he's a bad man. Or at least we start suspecting someone in something.

The idea behind it is very good. I think with a rewrite or two (or three) it would be great.

Hi Richard.

**Spoilers**

I also had trouble following along with this one.  I had to read it twice to understand what was going on, and even then I was still not really getting it.  

Is the contraband the bodies?  

Is he trying to bring smallpox back to the States?  Did he know what he was doing?  I don't see his motivation for anything.  Unless he didn't know the bodies had smallpox and thought he was just going to be able to study the affects of the radiation from Chernobyl.

Anyhow, those are just my thoughts on it.  

Good luck.

Nolan

Sometimes I don't put enough info in the script.

SPOILERS**

Nolan has this right.  It is based on an article I read in the bowels of the internet.  The article speculated that smallpox might still exist in the wild in bodies frozen in Siberia.  Retrieving the bodies, especially of children, might yield the virus.  So, I invented a disgruntled greenie who wants to take out a few billion people.  He has to lie about his motive because who would help him?  Well, someone would, but calling it Chernobyl research is a lot safer.  In any case, he finds it, infects the crew--incubation period is 10-14 days--and sets them loose in America.  In an unvaccinated population, the virus would be deadly, and spread quickly.  I guess some of this should go into the script.  LOL

Best
Richard

I quite liked this - an interesting premise. Think it has the bones for a feature

Hi Richard,
"cold as a whore's heart" is a little too offensive...prostitutes have a heart like you and me, the only difference is that they are exploited human being.
Also, if the story is about smallpox contamination, do you know that the virus stays active inside frozen bodies? Usually, virus (and bacteria) need a normal body temperature to survive and replicate.
In my opinion, there is a little confusion in the evolving of the story. The premise is great but it requires more clarity. Why are they study the virus? Is their intention to start an epidemic in the USA? Why a Russian ship?
After an accurate revision, the script will be OK.
Best,
Fausto
P.S. Too expensive to produce.

Hey Richard,

It's not your best work, but I liked it, and wasn't confused at all.  Once we get to the moment on the deck. and his absurd lie about his bruise, (might want to rethink that one), it's clear Paul has ulterior motives.

I agree with the other posters about the Whore's line, and some that of the dialog is a little OTN, but judging from your other work, it's nothing a few re-writes won't fix. I'm not sure why you don't your capitalize characters? It always helps me keep track when someone new enters the scene, especially when dealing with large groups. You have a lot of crew members running around, but I never feel like we ever meet any of them. I would give a few of them names. Personalizing them would go a long way in engaging us to what is about to happen.

I guess my big problem is that I'm not sure who Paul really is. Is he just filled with hate and contempt, or does he feel there is some nobility to his actions? Does he actually care for Claire, or is he lying the whole time? I feel like you need a moment with Paul, Claire, and the rest of the crew. A galley scene. Everyone eating, drinking, laughing. And then a few ugly coughs from a crew member. No one is paying attention but Paul.... This gives us a chance to get into his head to what he's thinking. Is he gleeful, concealing a devilish smile? Or is he remorseful, conflicted about using these people for his experiment?  Right now, I don't have a clue.

And.... I don't know anything about how smallpox works, but I also think it would be more effective to just have Paul shake hands, maybe hug, as he says goodbye to the crew, instead of someone being stretchered off. I think any boat with multiple crew members being violently ill would demand an immediate quarantine, but then again I'm just pondering.

My best,
Ron

Ron,

Great observations and suggestions.  Some clarification is needed.  

Thanks,
Richard