Dylan, I read a bit. I think the first two pages may have some general issues that you need to address.
Quoted Text INT. EMO CONNECT SCREEN - DAY |
Are we inside a screen? i.e, the heading is INT. If you want us only to see a screen you would do something like:
INSERT: EMO CONNECT SCREEN
In addition, maybe it's me, but I am not sure readers are going to have any idea what an EMO CONNECT SCREEN is,
Quoted Text The loading screen has a bar scrolling to completion. BRAIN
NEURONS are firing with the words LOVE, COURAGE, FEAR,
PLEASURE. Light from the neurons leads down a vein into a
screen on a WATCH. TOM, is in his mid teens, a curious
social media addict. At 17 he hasn’t learned his limits and
isn’t afraid to imagine a world without them. |
This opening has a lot of issues. First - break it up. Try not to go over 4 lines in description - readers will start skimming. I would break this paragraph at TOM.
Second, I read it three times and still do not understand what I am supposed to be seeing. I know you have something in your mind. But it is not coming across clear at all.
Finally, you have unfilmables: Specifically:
Quoted Text
TOM, is in his mid teens, a curious
social media addict. At 17 he hasn’t learned his limits and
isn’t afraid to imagine a world without them.
|
You need to show us through action and dialogue what that Tom is a social media attic and is world view. i.e., there is no way to film what you wrote.
Write actively. For example, this:
Quoted Text EXT. LAKE - DAY
It is a gorgeous day on the water. TOM and his father are on
a DINGHY sailing through crystal clear waters on steady
winds. |
reads better as:
Blue clouds and sunshine. Tom and his father sail a DINGHY through the crystal clear waters.
Also don;t need to cap TOM again - you already introduced him.
Quoted Text
Here is another example of what I am referring to:
[quote]The STARS are shining brightly on a hilltop in the
mountains. TOM is on a bench outside of an old and remote
observatory.
|
Should be:
STARS shine brightly on a hilltop in the
mountains. TOM sits on a bench outside of an old and remote
observatory.
Anyway - you need to strive to be crisper in the descriptions, always show - don't tell, and write in an active voice.
Check some scripts out and it will be apparent what the issues are.
Best of luck with this.