Attack on Ant Hill by Andrea

When a terrifying Monster brutally attacks an Ant Hill. Two Ants take it upon themselves to seek help from the elusive gang of Grasshoppers. They must work together to defeat the undefeatable Monster; an eight year old kid.

Short Action Horror based on The Ant and The Grasshopper

I remember The Ant and The Grasshopper from when I was a kid. It's about the ants working hard all summer gathering food preparing for winter while the grasshopper is just out having fun all summer. When winter comes, the grasshopper has nothing to eat and wants the ant to help him out. It's supposed to be a lesson in hard work, but also about being kind to others. Not sure you did that here. You did go literal though with using actual ants and grasshoppers.

There were numerous spelling and grammar issues. I'm only going to mention one QUIET!!!! Not quite. Completely different meanings.  ;)

Your characters need to be in CAPS when they first appear. Even if it's just a kid. Also, a little overwritten, IMHO.

Story wise, it was okay. I was a little confused about this being animated or not.  :)

Revised comment:
Many, many problems, both technical and in the writing, but you do have story-telling flair. If you want to get better, practice, practice, read, read. I'm guessing you knocked this out in one sitting and gave it a cursory once-over before submitting. No crime in that. After some time passes, go back and give it a harder look.

First 2 I read... hopefully not a sign of things to come lol

I feel like every 2nd word is "Ant" lol
You don't have to name your Characters "ANT" at the end. We already know they're ANTS!
LIKE THIS:

In the room is a group of Ants all looking at one big Ant at the front. The big Ant is MAJOR ANT. Standing by Major Ant is STEVEN ANT. Steven Ant is huge, even bigger than Major Ant.

ok finished.  Not a bad little story in the end, but the script itself needs a lot of work

Out of the gate, the logline needs work here. I love that it’s got ants and grasshoppers in it though, Kudos! A horror with insects feels original to me!

Many readers will open up a script and if it doesn’t look like a script(fade in, enough white on the page, etc) it can influence how they like/interpret your script. For me, the chunky writing just slows down the read.

This story is reminding me of the movie “A Bug’s Life” which I really liked. It isn’t really reminding me of the ‘based on’ material though.

I like Andrew as a character. I like that they call the human child the Monster. :)

Overall, it’s a cute take on a bug story, but I don’t think this feels like horror to me. I think the story is too drawn out and could be trimmed way down.

Good job.

Lot of issues with this one.

Grammar is a problem,. Saying ant every few words is a problem.

The biggest issue, as I see it, is there is no horror element in this story at all, not one bit. Yes the kid might be horrific to the ants but what is horrifying to the reader?

This is a pass from me.

The problem with this is it doesn’t seem like a horror, more like Antz meets Bugs Life. It also is written way more like prose, like a short story, than a script and is filled with a lot of beginner type issues.

There are some wonderful visuals in here. For example, once the kid has finished smashing the hill I imagined a fantastic sequence where we transfer from the real world to an animated one and we see the decimation of the ant population from their perspective.

A cute story with lots of animated potential, but for me, it doesn’t seem to fit the parameters of this OWC and there are a lot of issues. Well done for entering and keep on writing.

-Mark

I liked the creativity and imagination behind this. Unless the writer is good at using CGI (Or knows people who are good at using CGI), this probably won't be filmed, but the author has a lot of potential...

This story is engaging in that I wanted to see how the ants and grasshoppers joined forces to defeat the kid. The ending felt real - because that's exactly what a father would do.

Other than that - this was overwritten with things that just didn't need repeating. As others have said - there are many issues with this that can be ironed out over time. Keep working on it.

Be quite!! I could forgive once, but not so many if these....

Ok, not a horrror, and like others I couldn't help but think bugs life, antz etc

Something different, and as this was a horror OWC I did wonder how it would finish, which is not bad, with the hose situation

Needs work and doesn't fit the challenge, but a fair effort.

This is a decent story, not really a horror imo, but it was interesting. Seems to be a lot of reading just to get to the end though. The overuse of the word "Ant" that Irish Eyes pointed out is a big part of that. Once we were told they were Ants it isn't necessary to continue telling us so, just makes reading tedious.

I think with a good re-write this could work, maybe not a horror though.

Not a good start.  "We open on a backyard" - well...uh...yeah...that's what the Slug says, so i hope we're going to be in a backyard.  Never use a semi colon in a script...it serves no purpose.  Missing punctuation and too long an opening passage.

2nd passage not good again.  Need to CAP all character's first intro.

3rd passage not good. Missing word, ending in an orphan.

Very poor start, sorry to say.

OK, I'm sorry, but I can tell this is going to be littered with mistakes of every kind on every line.  No horror here and I highly doubt this will follow the source material and challenge of horror.

No grade, as I didn't continue but if I did, my bet would be 2 F's, sorry to say.

One point upfront: You use every line of given space. For some, this might be a good attitude, to me it's a clear dramaturgic sing, your concept does not fit in the margins properly and that you hang on your words and ideas too much rather than doing the right thing and sacrifice parts of the concept and execution to keep real control over the material as a whole. Just think about if you like to. It has proven too many times to me that I usually confront comrades with my perception on this.

Great title. Your logline got style but it's too long.

Good opening, though, do ants bleed? I'd say, clearly No, they don't.

Capitalize YOUNG KID
Masses of ing verbs and forms of to be along the action lines. I cannot say it clearer, you should imo delete almost all of them.

Slugs aren't properly either, you strictly avoid the standard DAY or NIGHT; imo you should invest some time on it soon.

P3 your story is very creative and entertaining so far

Hmm, ironic ending. But, the conflict with the monster gets a raw deal only, imo due to what I said in the beginning. Too many unimportant things were developed and presented, instead to keep control over your premise, to fight the monster.

That said: In parts it's super fanciful, creative, and visually strong.

It's a pity that your execution hurts you as a writer and with that my experience as a reader. You should realize it as soon as possible and grow, more and more. You definitely got the potential to be top.

I won't hammer the point home, as per everyone above there's some serious issues with typos and formatting, and so it's a pass for me. Also not really sure where the horror is.

What I will say though, your work is a bit of relief from gore laden ye olde reboots. I understand that's the challenge so don't anyone go jumping on me, but maybe this just needs some cleaning up and can live out with this challenge. I found myself caring for Andrew and his buddies, and if nothing else, it was an original take on the challenge.

Well done for having the nuts to go left field, but for me it's still a pass.

Cam

A large reason the writing doesn't work is because you're trying to put this tinge of emotion in everything you write. This is the actual type of 'unfilmables' that people rail on, because it simply bogs up the read and doesn't do much else. A sizeable amount of the script could be cut if you write only what can be seen on screen, and until you've mastered that, I wouldn't attempt to put in all the fluff.

As for the story, it's a decent effort but we've seen this story before, way too many times to count  in fact. Nothing came as a surprise, but in saying that, I guess the bones of the story work well -- yet it's hard to latch onto anything here as the reader.

Notes:
From the beginning, there’s a lot of passive writing that needs to be cleaned up.  The first page could be cut to half a page easily.  The kid reminded me of Sid from Toy Story.  You introduced some of the ants without caps.  Page two, you have COUPLE MOMENTS LATER??  Just LATER or CONTINUOUS is better.  These issues are all the way through the script.  

So, either you’re a new writer, or this was done on purpose to the degree to make a point.  If you are a new writer, congrats on finishing a short script for a One Week Challenge!!!  Not easy to put together a story in that amount of time.  The issues with the script need to be fixed in order for this to be read past the first sentence in most cases.  It can be fixed.  If you want suggestions (probably already have many to this point in the challenge), I can suggest some after the challenge is over.

Not really horror, unless you’re an ant!  If it were Family/teen horror, maybe.  Not Action Horror, to me.  Seems like a nice mix of Ants and Toy Story.  Does meet the challenge, again to me.  Rewrites are needed.  Good luck with this.

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Not much.
Overall: Pass

Writer,

Interesting story, much more suited to animation so that's how I read it  it also reads like it should be longer -- perhaps a feature. Anyway. Few typos aside, and some formatting errors and screen directions, this wasn't a bad script really. I just think you tried to fit way too much into ten pages, and that disrupted the flow of the story. Your two opening paragraphs could use a little work. Kid is not capped, certain sentences should be broken up -- it's just not a good start. But good effort here. Btw, birds are natural predators of grasshoppers.

Steve

Others have commented on the typos, grammar issues etc, so I'll let you tidy all that on the re-write.

I did however enjoy the story, would work well animated and I was pleased that you went for something else for the OWC.

Good effort.

I liked the way this started but it made a left at Boringtown and got lost there.

I could picture the transition from the kid's perspective to the ant's clearly and I liked the dichotomy between the two, but you didn't capitalize on it.

When OG started talking about killing the kid, I thought, "Okay.  Kinda dark but from the perspective of the ants, they're just trying to save their lives."

Then the climactic "battle scene" starts and their whole plan basically revolves around saying, "Boo!"
I was hoping for ants crawling into the kid's ear and nose.  Up his urethra or something sinister.
All I got was, "Let's kind of annoy him."

So much promise, so little execution.

Jordan

I feel like this has been done a few times with Bugs and Antz and the bee movie so in a sense it would work well as an animation.

Seems like you have a lot going on for the small page count.

If it was cleaned up, it wouldn't be too bad.

"We open on a backyard" Isn't needed since the opening slugline gives us the same visual info. Lots of past tense action (the "is"s)slow this up a bit more than it should.

It's a Mad World ...? If i had to choose a tune it would have been Goody Two Shoes Just as well, it's best to avoid song titles anyway.

Not sure why every Ant is capped. Andrew The Ant stands out because he not only can talk, he can give a "thumbs up" - I'm guessing this is animated and all, but how exactly does an Ant give a thumbs up? This tale needs more zip and more life, but maybe that's just e. No wait...it's not...

Quoted Text The Sun is rising in the East casting a Orangeish glow across the yard. The Orange glow makes the many dead bodies of Ants shimmer, giving it a spooky feel.

It's clunky and overwritten.
The grass is always blotchy.
The swing set is always rusty.
Almost every time in almost every line. What I mean is...well, there's only one swing set. I'm sure it's rusty the first tie you described it, Right?

My last script. This better be good.

No FADE IN: at the beginning.

Quoted Text EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT We open on a backyard;

You just told us that. And never use "we" or "us" in action lines.

I disagree with Jeff about semicolons. But Jeff is the Simon Cowell of this bunch. Dustin was a bit of a Simon, as well, when he was here. Jeff trashed my script to high hell.

Moving on...

Quoted Text In the house[,] lights are on

Not to sound like a broken record, but CAP your characters when you first introduce them. That way, it's easier to keep track.

"Anthill" is two words? Why is it capitalized?

Comma issues. Nothing egregious as of yet.

Is "Ant" supposed to be a proper name?

"as Ants try [to] escape their now[-]destroyed home"

Quoted Text As Ants try [to] escape[,] their now destroyed home the little kid precedes to kill each and every Ant that dares to escape his wrath.

Quoted Text As Ants try [to] escape[,] the little kid precedes to kill each and every Ant that dares to escape his wrath.

"Wrath" is an orphan. Also, I'd lay off the word "ant" a little; it's getting a bit annoying.

Quoted Text The way the porch light mixes with the moonlight makes the little kid seem horrifically evil. WOMAN (O.S.) Time to come inside[,] sweetie. It’s bedtime.

There goes your horror. The Mother makes this villain cute. Cute is not scary.

I guess I stand corrected. But this script needs shaping up, fast.

Quoted Text The [a]nt[hill] looks like the remains of a battlefield.

Trim this and remove orphans. Too many orphans could waste a page or more.

No (or very little) camera directions and transitions. You're not the director, cinematographer, or editor (unless you are).

For variety's sake, why cant you just call it a hill? Break up the monotony.

"its" is possessive; "it's" = "it is."

"Ants screaming is
heard ringing into the night sky."

Very awkward sentence.

Quoted Text The song “MAD WORLD” is heard coming from the house.

Ants listen to Tears for Fears? P.S. I had to Google this song. This is about the best thing about your script.

I'm Anted out on Page 1. More like a Bug's Death.

Pass. C

Too bad my last script ended on a whimper, but congrats on entering.