Big Bad Wolf by Nualláin

When a hungry wolf destroys their straw and brick houses, two little pigs take refuge in a brick house built by another little pig.  Can the little pigs keep themselves safe from the big bad wolf in the brick house?

Short Supernatural Horror based on The Three Little Pigs

Well enough written but the majority of the story is an exact re-write of the original, apart from the new names...


SPOILERS
The twist is okay but saw it coming and a werepig ;-)

Anthony

So this is really that much of a retelling, it's mostly the exact same story with a slight twist.

The twist isn't enough to make it a great story unfortunately.

The writting is solid, so no issues there.

Overall it's a pass from me.

So it's the actual story up until the last 2 pages. Not very creative and the twist was ok.
Not sure how the other Pigs never knew he was a Werewolf/pig thingy.

The written was solid

Ok, it's already been said about retelling the original, which I think can be tolerated if we then get  a clever twist. After all that would be a re telling of the original story.

I'm just not sure on the weird wolf creature thing.

I like the idea of them being locked in with a nut case whilst the wolf is outside. That would be cracking tension, so I think that's where I would take this, but rather than a creature just a demented pig.

All the best

Writer,

Pretty decent idea here for something animated. However, if you ask me, perhaps you should have made the pigs human, made them with flaws that echo real life. Then you could've had some real fun with this. But that's just me and I'm sorry for mentioning that because you obviously went for something different. I guess what I'm trying to say is this has potential to be more original than it is. And even with the twist you provided, it still lacks something to give it a boost that makes it stand out from the rest.

Steve

right out of the gate, i like that you gave the pigs names.

a werepig?!

... sure.  why not.  short, and it got the point across.  not bad.  the dialogue in the brick house wasn't great, but overall i appreciate this one.  I think I like it because it took all of 2 minutes to read.

i mean outside of Sausage's secret, you basically adapted the story from the page, but whatever, it was short and sweet.  solid.

Interesting.

Choosing to write the original almost to the T, including the classic wolf's dialogue was a HUGE mistake, IMO, and extremely lazy.

Ending the way you did was very smart.

I don't think you should have had pigs and you definitely should have changed things up with the dialogue.  And if you did those things, you'd have a winner on your hands...at least in terms of concept.

Writing ain't bad,, but is very simplistic, has some incorrect punctuation, lots of orphans, and nothing that really calls out, "I'm a good writer".  What I'm saying, is that some tone and mood induction would have also helped.

It's a good effort, but won't go down as much more than that because of e above.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - B (could easily have been an A, if you just switched things up more)

Script/Story/Execution - B- (also could have been an A with a few tweaks and some mood and tone).

I didn't understand the third pig's words - that he build the house so he can't get out.

At the end he turns into a werewolf - hopefully I'm correct.

You basically retold the story and gave it a horrific twist. There's not much drama which is okay. There's no memorable dialog either which is okay as well.
I guess I want more. Something...

Quoted Text Three little pigs, BACON, PORKCHOP and SAUSAGE build houses

Dammit.....now I'm hungry!  

I laughed a  couple times through this read, once when reading the pig's names and the other when Sausage told them he built this house so he couldn't get out.... the names are creative and that line cracked me up for some reason.

This pretty much follows the original up until the end so one could easily skim through the starting without getting lost, I think you should tweak the start regarding Sausage, perhaps have him all twitchy or just "not right" making the others suspect something is off and make the more reluctant to enter his superior house despite having a hungry wolf on their tails.

Anyways, liked the twist at the end, good job on this.

Title: In this case, I'd find it better if you name it after the pigs. It's just clearer because there are so many werewolf stories, fairytales, and all that. The little-pigs-story always felt like a modern and very specific tale with lots of empathy you could directly channel toward your screenplay with a title.

Your words look good on the page, tidy and organized. It's a quick read. I appreciate that.

That Sausage plays games with his "friends" wasn't any surprise due to his dialogues. Having Sausage morph into a big wolf-like figure wasn't that creative for my taste. There already is one wolf in your story. There was no true development why another wolf...

I think it's visually too unfocused. I didn't really saw it and haven't understood how you meant it to be seen. The only way I can imagine it, is as a Cartoon Horror, what would be pretty cool. It lacks surprise and plot yet, although it's still a sweet tale to follow as written here and positively reminds me of that famous story for sure. Decent work.

I see the document name for this script is Swine. I think that's a much better title.

Naming the pigs after pork food products made me think this was a pisser at the beginning. It is well written and easy to follow but as soon as I tweaked this was simply a word-for-word retelling I skimmed through to the last scene.

If Sausage built the house to stop him from getting out, how come he had the key and let the others in? I know this is a fairy tale but that seemed really silly to me.

The Werepig thing was a nice touch but not enough to rescue this in my opinion. A pass.

-Mark

More a horror/parody than horror, but this one is pretty good. It spent a little too much time being a straight retelling, and could use more humor in the beginning to help it along, but I did like the twist at the end, plus it doesn't overstay it's welcome.

Well written for the most part but I'm not a fan of adaptions that are basically straight retellings of the original. Which is mostly why I hated Watchmen. You did throw in a clever twist at the end but for the first four pages I knew exactly what was gonna happen. Let your imagination go wild!

Let's see:

• Well written?  Check.
  
• Easy to follow?  Check.
  
• Entertaining?  Check.
  

I like this one.  

Maybe it's because I was able to fly through it since it was similar to the original.
Maybe it's because it was simple with a twist.

Regardless.  I'm a fan.

I wasn't expecting some life altering story arc after all.

I'm not pretentious enough to analyze how the motivations of the wolf insinuate his father was and abusive cross dressing alcoholic who would beat him with a 9 inch stiletto, nor how the symbolism of pig's building materials reflect on the current state of public school lunches in the greater Detroit metro area.

The pigs were named after pork products for God's sake.

Jordan

Sorry writer, in large it was pretty much just the original story with alternative names, and then a kinda twist at the end and a brief bit of gore.

Not for me I'm afraid, I feel you really needed to wander further away from the original and get a bit more creative. Still, your writing seemed decent so it was an easy read.

This isn't bad. It's a decent twist at the end. I think it might be better if Sausage becomes a monstrous pig instead of a wolf-like creature. Would make more sense. But it works. I mean simple, fun stories are what the OWC is all about.

It's always better if an OWC can make us care what happens. This story does not, but very, very few OWC's manage that, so it's a nice effort here.

The writing is not a hindrance. There's not much writing voice on display, and that's always a missed opportunity with OWC's, which should be a great chance to develop voice.

For example:

Sausage slaves away at his brick house, almost done. He
looks at Bacon and Porkchop.

"Looks" is a very plain word. The writer should use a verb here that described the way Sausage looks at his friends. Maybe he glowers or glares or frowns. Maybe he shakes his head with disdain. Paint us a picture, efficiently but visually strong.

Good effort though.

My first thought was an animated episode of Tales from the Crypt (with no less than Bobcat Goldthwait). I loved both the adherence to the original story, and also the new werepig twist. Quite ironic.

Recommend. A+

;D

So Sausage was really a wolf in pigs clothing? Hmmmm...
Why not a wild boar with big tusks?

Could have had more punch to it, it read more like dark humor to me. And aside from the underwhelming twist, nothing much was done with the story.

It's a retelling of the old 3 Pigs story, but I like it.  There are a some missed opportunities. Still, it felt pretty good from where I sit.
Would have liked it more if:

The twist had a twist. Was thinking that it would have been interesting if Sausage was frying up some bacon when the other two pigs come begging for shelter.
Put the emphasis on luring the Wolf to a trap.
Once the wolf gets stuck in the chimney, let the fun begin.

An added boomerang, would have been for Sausage to kill the wolf to eliminate competition. Then to reveal his true nature, as Cannibal Pig.

Anyway, i thought it was a pretty good read. It's been about 5 decades or so since I last heard this tale, so it was a bit of a refresher. Not a recommend, but I'd give this a consider.

I like this very much, especially the dialogue, which is true to the original story, with the occasional, well placed "lazy swine" etc.

SPOILERS

Sausage's secret life could have, perhaps, been given another page or two; the other two pigs possibly try to escape or talk their way out...

there doesn't seem to be an "oops" moment when Bacon and Pork Chop realize the danger they face from Sausage -- it might make the ending more interesting, a little more deadpan humor might be in order.  Or at the ending, the sound of the awful howling might destroy the brick house...  As it stands now, this is a admirable, solidly made screenplay.

I agree with Catherine...this could have been REALLY god with an extra page or so.

As is, I actually gave it a consider, as the twist was deviously well done.

Thanks to everyone who commented on this, and for the three votes in the Reader's Choice.  I honestly didn't think I would get one, so I was humbled to receive three!  

My interpretation of the challenge was to actually "re-tell" a story.  So rather than using it as a guide for a different story, I decided to tell the original story, with the twist at the end.  For a little while, I played with something different for the ending.  I had initially thought of having the pigs align with a bear or something of that nature, to get the better of the wolf.   As for sticking directly to the original story, I also had more dialogue in there to begin with, giving it more of a comedy feel.  I didn't want to set the tone as a comedy horror... but it appears some people may have liked that idea, haha.  

In the end, I decided on the werewolf twist.  And yes, werewolf, not werepig :P.  I figured "if humans can turn into werewolves, why can't pigs?".  

As for the whole locking himself in the brick house so he can't get out schtick, most werewolf movies I watch portrays the werewolf as a mindless beast.  He basically reverts back to an animal, and in that sense, he would never be able to figure a lock and key out.  I know some werewolf movies don't do that, but I chose to go down that path.

I truly appreciate the comments!  There was some very valuable feedback in there.  So much in fact, that I may actually do this again with some of the suggestions.  I had a fun time writing this!  

Nolan