In The Red - OWC - Produced!

I like the logline alright. This is nit-picky but I really get turned off when I see the slug spacing off on the first page.

I love the fact that you gave your character some depth by making him OCD. I think you could’ve taken it a bit more overboard or at least have it escalate as the story moves on.

It seems like you got more than your ‘based on’ material working through this story and it slows the read for me. I want to relate ...to the based on material but it’s confusing the way you’ve tried to weave in other stories here (IMO).

This story was just ‘ok’ for me. I would have liked it more if you would’ve stuck to the rhyme and kept it short and simple(like the last part of the story). I LOVED the part where he cracks Red’s skull. Kudos! :)

Good job!

Yeah, I didn't like this one. It's too concerned with making references to as many fairy tales. It wasn't really a horror, and I didn't find it funny (although humour is sbjective so who knows).

On the other hand, it's well written and it makes sense. So others may love it.

I enjoyed this one. It took a while to get to the "Horror" cracking Red Riding Hood's skull and putting her through a meat cleaver... nice visuals

One of the better entries so far

This one seems to be a marmite script, which for those who don't understand that, means some will like, some will not.

Alas it wasn't for me.

I liked the mix of fairytales, and I didn't mind jack doing in red riding hood, but otherwise it seemed lacking. He goes to the shops meet LRRH and kills her for supper.

I did like the OCD and that could have been played out a bit more, and throughout.

I wondered whether the mushrooms could have played a part making him go nuts, just a thought

I don't see how this source material can transfer to a story and be horror...we'll see.

2nd Slug - "BEDROOM" - is this the same "FAIRY TAIL COTTAGE"?  If so, you need to use the same Slug Header, then go to bedroom.

When you use a "name" or "character", you always have to set it off with comma(s).

"noticeable" - "noticeably"

Dialogue an tone are obviously way off base here, if this indeed a "fairy take cottage".  Based on what I'm reading, this seems like some sort of comedy of the like so far.

Page 3 - Little Red Riding Hood?  WTF?  No...not going to work.

Obviously not horror at all, no matter if it turns to horror or not.  The source material offers nothing and I can tell already this script won't either.

I'm out. Sorry, bro, but very dull and and unengaging.  No reason to mix in different fairy tales.  I'm out, and...

No Grade

Awe, man... this was going along all whimsical n' shit, that is... until Jack turned into Sweeney Todd.

Second One, Two rhyme I've tackled thus far and, while it's basically the same rhyme at work here,  each deserves its own merit because they're somewhat different in their approach, vis-à-vis, this one has a literal approach. That being said, I don't have to decipher any metaphors, even though I like doing things like that...

Remember the Warriors, when Swan asked Luther why he wasted Cyrus?  Luther said: 'No reason... I just like doing things like that." Well, same thing... only different.

Anyways, the writing on display leads me to believe this isn't your first time out, and, while it was strangely disturbing, it actually played out like an after school theater production, slow and easy... and I wholeheartedly just wanted to sing out loud as we made people sausages.

BTW, while there's scary, gory, horror, etc.  It's always the disturbing aspects of a script, or movie that stays with me the longest. This one will probably linger a bit longer than necessary because it's so wrong on so many levels. Mind you, how could it be so wrong when it feels so right?

Fun, creepy, ghoulish tale, I dig Jack's morbid candor and the whole bloody mess he made without a care in the world. Best of luck.

I'm somewhere in the middle with this one.

Jack with OCD, funny and a good character development beyond the lothing of giants. Also, spotted something above dismissing the inclusion of Red Riding Hood, not really sure why. It's a creative exercise, and going a bit left field is fine with me, and definitely more creative than just doing a straight tale reconstruction.

Anyway, I liked it's fun tone, masking the gore to come. It's probably in the consider category for at least being something different

A light-hearted tale of evisceration and cannibalism, the sort of bedtime story Hannibal Lector might read to his child before saying, "Nighty-night."

There's barely six minutes of screen time here, so all the merry little couplets serve to move things along without becoming annoying. References to other fairy-tale characters are okay by me.

Small cosmetic stuff I won't mention. Re the OCD, I don't think you need to say it's OCD because you've already shown us.

Final scene was pretty offal (pun intended).

I thought this one was pretty good. Sort of a horror-themed parody of fairytales. There's not a whole lot going on here beyond a day in the life of a fairytale serial killer. I sort of like the idea of everyone blaming it on the wolf.

This is well-written and put together, but for me it doesn't rise much above the level of skit. There's essentially only two acts and one reversal (finding out Jack’s the killer). A more complete tale needed to keep going. For instance, what if the Wolf was a bigger character and showed up at the door intending to clear his name and accuse Jack of all the murders? That might serve as a better final act than simply making sausage. But maybe I'm wrong. Once again, what this script does do, it does well.

Damn, this had so much potential. I love the opening. Such fun, efficient character stuff with the OCD patterns revealed the moment he wakes up followed by anger issues.

But then you don't employ any of that once he meets up with Red. Instead of using the personality defects you just established so skillfully to help build tension you resort to heavy-handed stuff like this:

Code

Jack flashes a sinister grin and gets a distant look in his eyes.

Code

...the trail takes a dark and ominous appearance.

That's not enough on its own to keep a reader glued to the page.

I'd recommend finding ways to put him in situations where people and events keep triggering his OCD. A fence post out of place that bothers him, Red wearing mismatched clothing, etc. And the whole time he's struggling to control himself and not lose his shit completely.

Maybe Red is even purposefully triggering his OCD and she uses it to turn the tables on him... I dunno... you can pretty much come up with any kind of story here. Just use the tools you already built for yourself at the beginning.

This is not complicated - easy to follow story about Jack having Red for dinner.

He wants to eat. He goes through a count to have a plate on his table. And he makes an unusual and pretty unexpected choice - it's Red who just shared her fears about a wolf with him. I do appreciate the irony here.

And I could see the purpose of the rhyme.

Puss doesn't serve any purpose, I think. He's just around Jack in the house. I think if you have him he needs to do more. Or to be for something in there, not just hang around.

I see Psycho in this. There's another one on the board that's a nod to Psycho I think.

You start with the first slug: EXT - FAIRY TALE COTTAGE - IN THE MORNING - then describe the cottage in the next action line. I'd drop "FAIRY TALE COTTAGE" and just put "COTTAGE" there. Everyone will have a different image of a "FAIRY TALE COTTAGE" which will be busted by the following action line anyway.

The whole dialog on page 3/4 falls into the "Tell, not show" category. Why would the characters talk in all detail about the wolf and the missing pigs and how long they've been missing, as they both obviously already know all that? Right, because they aren't talking to each other but to the reader.

After all, I thought the start was a little slow. 1/3 of the script just describing how he wakes up and gets dressed. Six pages for a dude meeting a little girl and killing her is too much in my opinion.

Good effort and an easy read, but not one of my favorites.

Okay, let's see where this goes.

Sluglines miss periods after INT./EXT. and I dislike you constantly avoid standard time references as DAY and NIGHT.

P3 and I'm in. I found the very first page is hindering your script from moving forward. He should be quicker within his song, which is entertaining.

You're funny and charming, good dialogues, but I'm not sure if I read the right genre here.

Hm, now it switched very late and in an odd way. I see no balance of the concept when he suddenly beats a kid, Red, and checks her innards since we've watched a completely different atmosphere up to P 5 out of 7. The violence was used in an odd way here for my taste. I'm not sure if the audience would like such a sudden switch of tone.

Story is well written.

I like the portrayal of Jack. That's a very good decision. The OCD personality with a violent temper, combined with his happy-go-lucky rhyme humming was very effective at making him feel almost dimensional, as much as this kind of fairy tale character can be made that way. So I want to emphasize that was truly very well done. The hardest thing is to make a main character we want to travel a few pages with, and Jack is pretty much that kind of character, though of course we would need more development in a longer story.

As an OWC it's effective. Quick and to the point.

As for storytelling, it kind of gets an incomplete. There needs to be more. There's aren't realy any narrative elements. There is no antagnoistic force, internal or external, no struggle, no dilemma, no conflict, no story goal. Red gets made into sausage, and other than the fact that she is an innocent little girl, we're kind of unmoved. If Little Boy Blue brought the sky down on the house at the end and killed Jack, we wouldn't care about that either. The story didn't make us feel anything at all, or stimulate any thought.

But it could! Jack is the beginning of a well-drawn character. And as I said, that's never easy.

Maybe if we saw Jack struggling over killing Red we would care more. But like this it feels like a more violent Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs actually kills Porky Pig.

I hope that is not taken harshly, because for an OWC, the writer did fine, it's a nice contribution...thanks! And it does have the potential to be improved, so IMO, good work.

Good idea with giving Jack OCD and anger issues, that turned out well, but I would like a bit more insight into how messed up he really is, to make him killing Red more believable. Seemed more like a spilt second decision to kill her rather than him intending to do so all along. Perhaps she can be killed due to Jack's OCD or anger. killing the three pigs then going on to kill another human being is quite a step.

Good work on this.

When I saw Little Red Riding Hood in the story I didn't know what to think.  But then when she starts to mention everything that's been going on, I started to get an appreciation for what you were doing.  I liked that you incorporated different stories into one.

It's not very suspenseful in my opinion because you know right away where it's going when he speaks to Red, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

The whole "view on..." isn't needed.  What else would I be viewing?  Perhaps there are people out there who don't really mind that.  I just find it unnecessary.

I'd probably give this one a consider.

Nolan

There's things I liked about this script. I like the setup. Having Jack as OCD and using the original nursery rhyme to help him go about his daily business was perfect. I also liked the little nods to other nursery rhymes. Good writing on display, easy to follow action and I could visualize the scenes.

Things I didn't like. Jack's psychotic turn was out of left field, too out of left field for me. It was like you suddenly realised you had to have some horror in this script but if Jack was such a psycho I doubt he would have such friends as Red and not be locked up by now.

I know this is fairy tale territory but you need to make me believe it and I didn't. Also, the little nods to other nursery rhymes became a bit annoying once Jack left his house. Until then, they were nice little background nods. Then they became in your face a bit and felt thrown in.

A pass for me but I appreciate the effort and enjoyed the read.

-Mark

Writer,

I've yet to read any comments, but I can't wait to see what others have said! Be it my dirty mind, but I was thinking dirty things as Jack fed Puss a sausage! Forgive me. I kinda liked this one. You intro'd a couple other fairy tales in there, and I don't believe that was against the rules. As long as it works, and this does. I was thinking it wouldn't, however, when Jack killed Red. But then he made sausage out of her, which was cool, because his intention was to get sausages in the first place. So yeah, this worked, was quick and clean. Good job!

Steve

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