Nightshade by The Grimm Sisters

Snow White seeks revenge on the Evil Queen that sentenced her death.

Short Comedy Horror based on Snow White

Not for me, but I did like the mirror.

In fact, whilst it's hardly new, the idea of a mirror telling the truth could be very funny. Here, I enjoyed some lines, others less so

The mix of fairytales is fine and adds an element, and I like the seven deadly sins in the dead seven dwarfs- that's a decent idea. In fact I would have focused on that alone. I think that consept has legs.

Ta

Opening sounds odd, with "A KING", and then "An elegant QUEEN MARY".  The odd part is the "A" and "AN".

Now we have full on nudity...NICE!   ;D

"can be heard" - unnecessary.  

If we're in the King and Queen's bedroom, why is the King pacing back and forth in the Hallway?

"Kings face" - "King's face"

Next Slug is the same, which is a mistake.

Huh?  The Queen is dead and the King doesn't know it?  WTF?

Serious punctuation issues throughout.  Strange using "a" and "an" when introing characters.  Dialogue sounds almost like a comedy.

Hmmm...wondering if this is a comedy or pisser now?

Dialogue is just terrible, sorry to say.

Sorry, but that's all I can take.  Not sure if this is supposed to serious, comedy, pisser, or what, but it doesn't work at all for me.

No Grade

I love the title...

Grammar/typos/punctuation errors ...

The dialogue needs work.

As far as story, I didn't like the use of the beanstalk or even understand it. Did the beanstalk grow out of the patch of ground Snow had been buried? It was confusing that part for me.

I did like the mirror in this. I also liked the dwarves as the seven deadly sins. Very clever there. :) I liked at the end when Snow kept asking the mirror ... didn't like some part of this but overall it turned out ok for me.

Good job.

So I'm 99.9999999% sure I know who wrote this.

It did have a few simple issues that would be easy to fix but as a whole I really enjoyed it.

F@#king hilarious, between the Mirror and Lust I had several laugh out loud moments.

Not sure I'd really classify it as a horror but the killing was horrific so it’ll do. It’s a gory comedy, and just because there is gore doesn’t necessary mean horror.

One of my favourites, for sure.

A recommend from me.

LOL, I liked the comedic vibe this thing was throwing off, works well for a late Sunday evening.

Se7en Deadly Sinners... nice. That alone is a clever concept you should have rolled with... Lust and his 'Rock out with your cock out!' attitude could have stolen the show, if you worked that angle a bit more.

Some of this shit is too funny, and some is just too much fluff before the Grand Finale, I'm afraid. Mirror ain't the sharpest tool in the shed either, could have just appeased Nightshade to save his ass... save that he's probably sick and tired of the whole dysfunctional scene and just wants to die.

Not entirely my bag but, points for a humorous angle, fun script.

Writer,

Laugh out loud moments that just kinda take you off guard here. I enjoyed the writing, flowed pretty well -- however, your ending seemed rushed and tied up too quickly. Still, what came before made up for that. A funny and fun entry that's one of the better ones so far. Good job!

Steve

Clever story with surprising dialogue and colorful characters that makes good use of the source material -- just what this OWC should be, IMHO.

SPOILERS

The 7 dwarfs, seen briefly, have the earnestness and simplicity one hopes to see in them, and their identification with the deadly sins gives them gravitas they deserve.  

The ending: Snow White pitching the head through the mirror is a nice, concise and energetic summation of this version of the story.

All in all, this could be quite a dynamic film -- entertaining, with some very funny dialogue but for me it's a stretch to call it a comedy; the stage is strewn with corpses, traditionally the indication of tragedy.  

note, the final page of the script shows some missing sentence-ending punctuation and "separates for her neck" should be, I think, "from".

Very good title, writer.

I don't understand the second slug, why it is extern, and also why the super is placed before it. That made me stop and think a second if there isn't another room intern next to the bedroom.

P3 too comedic eventually???
P4 it is! Not that it's bad but you got a pretty cool opening that could be build up things in a more serious way, beautifully horrible.

Okay, I read the rest and I'd call it a witty parody with splatter. To me, not every splatter film is horror. Even a splatter film needs suspense and tension to qualify as scary - for my taste.

Such an esthetic choice of title compared to the plot shows its complete lack of focus. Don't get me wrong, it is partly very, very funny but this challenge isn't write Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It's still entertaining but I hope you understand my personal view.

LOL almost a dark comedy. At times the gory bits jarred with the humour and snappy lines - I'd liked to see this re-done perhaps with more slapstick violence and keep the comedy!

Pretty well written too. Not sure if comedy/horror was strictly allowed but at least it was a new take on Snow White.

This was at parts funny.

I think you took an easy route - the exact tale and this is a Disney version with Doc in it, and you just added some profanity in it.
Not to say that profanity didn't work. At places it did.

I didn't understand how she killed the king. The part where she orgazms and he dies in convulsions was funny though.

It could be more refined and funnier. Just spend some more time on this.

Recommending this all the flipping way.

Some of the scripts I've read have been uber gory, some have been a bit bokers, this expetly treads a line between them.

The mirror was my favourite, and a couple of other fairy tale characters appearing had a bit of Deadpool with his X Men about it. In fact that's what you've created here, a Deadpool-esque fairytale, with flippant throw away comments and a good bit of brutality.

Well done

Genius!  Pure genius!

It's as if Anna Karenina, Jane Eyre, Lolita, and All the King's Men had an orgy and this was the love child birthed from that sweaty, sticky, odorous mess.

This shall forevermore be inscribed within the annals of literature as the worlds top 11 greatest works.

Why 11?  Because it's that fucking good!



Truthfully though, I found it to be poorly written and juvenile.  

There were no LOL out loud moments, the tone was all over the place, and it was on-the-nose.

It's doubtful you were trying to write 'Crime and Peace' or 'War and Punishment', regardless, it wasn't for me.

Jordan

I'm going to have to take a pass on this one, sorry,

Laughed a couple of times but the majority of it just isn't my kind of comedy. I do like the fact the Snow White came back as a zombie though.

There are times where the dialogue got too on-the-nose for me, the end of page 5 for example when Bruce is about to kill snow white.

This isn't bad by any means, just didn't do anything for me, good effort.

Opinions are all over the place on this one and I can see why. It has some genuinely funny moments with the mirror and some clever lines. Then it veers into Airplane comedy with an actual X marks the spot and her instantly digging a hole. And some of the dialogue is OTN to the point of being unintentionally hilarious (or was it intentional?).

Not to mention all of this is intermixed with extreme violence and a disturbing (and awesome) sex scene with a knife pressed to his throat and her climaxing on top of him as she slits his throat. I've seen gross-out sex stuff and gross-out violence work alongside slapstick humor, but not something like this. This is pretty dark and intense. I mean that in a good way, I thought it was the most compelling scene even though it came out of nowhere after a whole series of silly throw away gags.  

So... I can't figure out what you're going for here. Just the concept of this queen who's a sexual force going around slaughtering people and taking what she wants is kind of darkly comedic in it's own right. I don't think you need to force slapstick into the mix. Dark humor doesn't have to be hysterical. Just write some better dialogue and hone your characters/story and the humor can flow naturally from that.

This one felt like pisser territory but I enjoyed the read. Some very inventive aspects, like turning the Dwarfs into Seven Deadly Sins via a guest appearance by Jack and his Beanstalk. I do appreciate comedy horrors. Two of my favourite horror films are Shaun of the Dead and American Werewolf in London but even these have serious, tense and horrific moments while Nightshade didn't.  

If this was a parody OWC I'd be scoring this highly, however for this challenge it will have to be a pass.

-Mark

Ahh a Comedy/Horror

I liked your characters, very colorful... especially the happy go lucky Snow White only to turn into Nightshade Zombie style.

A few gory sexual moments added and you had everything but the kitchen sink... I really enjoyed it

great job writer

Page seven has me so incredibly confused. Queen Mary was murdered? Wouldn't the body be rotting away as Snow White's sixteen? Did I miss something? Is some some sneaky shape shifting going on? The unclear writing and the many cheeks don't help the cause.

I appreciate the comedy here but it (the comedy) just didn't work for me, a lot of the jokes fell flat and almost felt tonally off. It's definitely an amusing script, and I think I've got the clue who the writer is, but the script wasn't for me. It's strange, because I do think the story works at its core -- well, actually, but the comedy just wasn't hitting the mark and at times, took away from the script. A nice effort.

A fun story (in parts) for what it is, but I can see how some are having an adverse reaction. There are a ton of little grammatical issues, so unless that's intentional, you better take notice and clean up your act.
You've plucked a lot of pieces from different stories and think it hurts you in such a short piece. I didn't like the bean stalk part, but the mirror  was cool. Stick with what works, such as the mirror, and play off of that. I do like the Night Shade character. It/She brought memories of the broken, creepy b*tch from the Ring. Overall, not a consider, but an easy read and I was never bored.

So if the first scene is the conception scene... then it would be 9 months later, a year later makes it a freak of a baby!

I'm conflicted with this, there are bits that were funny and worked well but there were other sections that fell flat to me. Then again, comedy isn't' really my bag, so maybe it's just me!

But it is well writter, paced well and has a lot going for it.

Anthony

Not really a horror script and the funny / satiric tone it takes doesn't make me laugh. It's kind of too flat and expectable. The perversion added on top of it doesn't rescure the mix either. Weird script, all over the top with all the strange twists and turns. I think it might have worked better in a modern setting. And it has a zombie part, which is why I can't vote for this one anyway :)

Comedy was not the proper context for this one IMO. It wasn't funny for one thing (I'll get to that), but my main gripe with the subgenre is the fact that the concept (Nightshade and the Seven Deadly Sins) is actually pretty inspired and would've been better suited for a more traditional approach. Unfortunately, I don't think you actually earned the concept in any respect, perhaps the fact that you simply tacked it on at the end being your worst crime.

The dialogue is the biggest issue for me. It seems like you rely too much on profanity to garner laughs instead of actual well-crafted jokes. Coupled with the abundance of sexual gags with no comedic precedents set, the whole thing feels pretty juvenile when it seems like it'd like to be edgy and "adult." Even if the dialogue were funny, there's the issue of it not being consistent in and of itself. Sometimes it comes off as intentionally modern and colloquial, whereas other times, you go with the classic Old English/fairy-tale speak. Pick one and stick with it.

To be fair, this stuff wasn't the basis for all the jokes. There are some sort of classic visual gags, like the mirror shaking his "head." The human ladder in the grave *was* genuinely funny and I did laugh at a few other lines (e.g. "Do I need a second mirror's opinion;" "Even better, I'll help you all get in"). A lot of it just sorta made me groan, though.

Lots of unnecessary scenes too. The opening, for instance. We never see this character again. Why include it?

...ironically, a lot of existing fairy tales have this problem, where characters who begin stories have nothing to do with those who end them. The Brothers Grimm had a lot like this.

Anyway, not for me. Loved the concept, though. Again, would've preferred to have seen a non-comedic version where Nightshade shows up earlier than the last minute. Nevertheless, you did make the deadline, so congrats on entering.

Okay. Fuck the rules and fuck formatting; this was fucking horror-larious!

Does a lot still need to be done? Yes.
Is it perfect? No.

But this was awesome. Just fix up the commas and change "ONE YEAR LATER" to "NINE MONTHS LATER." Also, the swearing seems anachronistic.

Nevertheless, it may not be the fairest of them all, but I dig it.

Consider. A-/B+