Snow by Three Blind Mice

A queen gives her last life blood to save her daughter. Only catch, her blood comes with a curse.

Short Vampire Horror based on Snow White

Parts like this gave me a laugh:
"It is Snow, Father! The one I've been secretly courting! She is my sister!"
Looks like they are not intentional at all as you repeat them over and over. And it's getting funnier and funnier:
"I assure you you have no sister. And I know this because I killed your mother!"

So, as a comedy it's kind of unconventional. But SSers will understand I'm sure. "Thump, thump. Thump, thump". Yeah they will.

Oh, I'm so sure it is what it is. Not saying the word though.

Dialogue was way too on the nose for me. I think that was intentional though but it just didn't feel like a horror. Like Kham said, maybe it is a comedy? If it is, I can definetly see it being so but the genre is horror so I guess this doesn't scare me or even disturb me? Good try anyway but the entire thing just felt flat to me.

Personally didn’t mind this one, but yes I agree there is no real horror in sight.

Dialogue is occasionally OTN and some of the sentences are written awkwardly.

Its a consider from me.

In keeping with the original (Germanic) tale, I think this could have been a fantastic script. From what I recall, however, the original story was devoted to necrophilia... not incest. Of course, neither is the lesser of the two evils.

Some aspects of the Snow White we know came through as such, and others were improvised with a unique theme. I especially liked that of the poisonous 'Silver' apples... (Mercury, a severely toxic, liquid metal could be easier to work with, just saying).

Actions of the King are somewhat contradictory, IMO. At first he has no reservations about murdering his wife and the abomination in her womb, yet, when he receives word that this same hellion managed to survive, thrive, and is roaming through the castle he gets all nostalgic? Sorry, that's where you lost me.

The concept of Royal blood is no great mystery anymore; Prince Charles even claims to be a descendant of 'Vlad the Impaler'. However, it's how you weave the web of their (Royal Families') internal structure into new stories that intrigue readers beyond the old fairy tales they once heard; something new and exciting to expose the family and their clandestine lifestyle behind the iron door.

I love Snow White. It's iconic and loaded with parables, imaginative creatures, and dark dirty secrets to embellish on. This script delivered something different...  just not intriguing enough to satisfy the creep factor I was looking for. All the best.

Writer,

Pretty decent entry. Some of the dialogue seemed to be out of place with the time period -- Ew. Gross! And what of the seven dwarves? They made an appearance for like a few seconds, then we never saw them again nor did they have any bearing on the story. IMO, you should've just left em out because they did nothing for your story.

Anyway, I kinda liked it but it really had nothing in it to really capture my attention and say wow! Now that's different. Still, pretty good for the time allowed.

Steve

I like that you've changed Snow White into a Vampire, that's a nice twist.

Some excellent descriptions as well, this is a great example of adding a bit of unfilmable flair into your action blocks to make it stand out but not excessively so. It was easy to follow and immersive.

The dialogue lets this down. I'm not sure if you were intentionally trying to make it sound like fairy tale talk like from a Disney film, if so I can understand why you went for it, unfortunately it gives the script a comedy element which detracts from the creepy horror side.

As it was this and the fairly straightforward story makes this a pass for me personally but it's well written and a decent effort.

-Mark

3 more to go...I'll try and provide good detail on these last 3.

Opening not good, and actually kind of funny.  It's night and you describe the castle as "surrounded by its citizens" - so, what we're seeing here is the castle and all the inhabitants surrounding it.   ;D ;D ;D  I don't think so...

Pretty good so far.

Page 2 - You blew the opportunity for a good kill scene, completely by poor writing and all of a sudden kind of shit - "She leans forward." - What does that mean and why is it important?  "He drives a stake through her heart." - Just like that?  Where did the stake come from?  If she's leaning forward, how is her heart even exposed?

Next line is also bad.  First, he jerks his hand back, then, in the same sentence, he's running out of the room?

"Labor?"  I don't know, but since you're suggesting this to me, I'll have to assume that's what it is.

Hmmm, when you use the word "postmortem", I have to assume that means she's dead, yet that's obviously not the case.  This whole scene should be handled much differently.

"heartbeat" is 1 word - as written, it makes the reader stop and reread the line, thinking a word is mising.

How does Queen sever the umbilical cord?  She "falls down dead"?  Isn't she lying on the bed?

"Title:" - Should be "SUPER"

"Gross" - Doesn't sound what a lad would say in this day and age.

Wait...Snow and Harry are messing around in the hay and then, he just whips out a loaf of bread and giant turkey leg?  If this were a pisser, that would be hilarious. If not, that's really weird.

Page 3 - The dialogue here is cringingly bad...almost seems to be trying to be.

Page 4 - Ha...Snow just scales a castle wall and enters the royal chamber?  Oh boy...

Things have really taken a turn to the absurd and almost pisser territory.

Page 5 - "Blasted arterial" - ?  Huh?  WTF?

Wait...Queen drops the apples into molten silver?  And she expects them to look or be edible?  That's quite funny!

"We cannot see..." - OK, thanks for telling me that.  I wasn't sure if I could see that or not.

Page 6 - "Prince Harry rides his horse, behind his saddle, the bundled
up corpse." - That's about as awkward as a line can get.

"Skeletons and bones of people past." - Huh?  Past what?  These skeletons and bones are just lying everywhere in the forest?

"...falling on his ass." -  ;D ;D ;D ;D  Oh man...that's funny...is it supposed to be?

"He crawls back over, shakes Snow with no luck. Stands. Paces.
Then mounts the horse and gallops off." - How many thoughts or shots is this passage?  You really expect this to be 1 continuous shot?  Bottom line - this passage is not broken up remotely correctly.

The 7 dwarves are here.  Hooray!

Page 7 - "King Henry puts the grapes down, pushes Anastasia away as he
strides to the door opening it." - Another poorly written line.  He's in bed eating grapes, then he's striding to the door.  Also, you need a comma between "door" and "opening".

Oh man...the dialogue is just terrible.

"Gallops at full speed, the King rides." - Just so awkwardly written...

Page 8 - " tomb. He weeps babbling apologies." - Didn't he do this same thing earlier?  It's so awkwardly phrased again.

Missing so much punctuation  throughout.

"Her eyes open black as she drinks from her father, the man who never knew she existed and has now given her life." - Really?  Talk about an overly melodramatic line and talk about awkward...and talk about unintentionally funny.  I'm sorry, but there's so much wrong here, I almost wonder if it's mean to be taken seriously or not.

His body decreases in size?  WTF?  How small does it get?

The end.  I can't take anymore notes.

Writing is not good.  Tone is all over the place and not good.  Story could be decent...even good, but as written, it almost seems like a pisser in many places.

Grades

Challenge parameters - B

Script/Story/Execution - D+

The conversation on page 3 gets a bit awkward. First, you never describe Harry as being a prince, so when Snow says “a prince”, I thought she was just screwing around with Helena. But the conversation continues straight-faced. Next Helena talks of Snow being of the same blood, and Snow blurts out something about committing incest. What!?  Snow is now admitting to having sex with Henry and Helena doesn't seem to be at all fazed by that.

Imagine a father coming home to see his daughter hanging out with her boyfriend alone in the house, and just as he's about to lecture her on having boys over with no parents home, she blurts out, “I swear it's not his baby!” Wait, WHAT!? I'm pretty sure the conversation wouldn't continue to be about house rules.

Helena also goes from speaking generally about boys to speaking specifically about Henry being her half-brother. And considering how unfazed Helena is by the revelation that Snow is sleeping with him, I have to assume Helena has known about this incestuous relationship for some time and is just happening to bring it up now. Maybe she's a busy woman, but I think you'd want to get on that posthaste.

Oh, and you forgot to mention if Henry actually ran away, so I'm not sure if he's gone or if he's still standing there and everyone is talking about him like he's not in the room.

“Unseen to her is a dark crimson stain where her mother’s blood laid rest.”

No one’s done the laundry in 17 years? The first scene was pretty good, but the story’s starting to lose me.

“I am your mother’s twin sister.”

Why would that matter? How does Snow know who her mother is, or what she looks like? Half-brother means only one of the parents are hers, why would Snow assume she knew which one was? Surely if the Queen got knocked up by some random dude that would not make Snow royalty. Then again no one actually told her she's royalty.

At the end Snow turns into a vampire. Wasn't she always? I guess so, but why is she slaughtering people now when she wasn't before? Did drinking the blood have some special unlocking power? We're left with the impression she's going to eat Henry, but she's had plenty of chances to do that already.

Also, if she's really a vampire, how do we meet her at “EXT. COW BARN - DAY”?

This one is promising, but it read too much like something made up on the fly. Far too much time spent talking about incest than about things that would help the ending make sense. The writing is pretty good, but the story logic needs help.

Quoted from Warren Personally didn’t mind this one, but yes I agree there is no real horror in sight. Dialogue is occasionally OTN and some of the sentences are written awkwardly. Its a consider from me.

Warren, just wondering - you say there's no horror, poor dialogue, and awkward writing, yet you give it a consider?  Am I missing something?

Also, why do you say there's no horror?  There's a ton of horror here!  Vampires sucking blood, peeps brutally killing other peeps...lots of gore.

Well here's the Snow White effort, and you know what writer...I kinda liked it.

I understand there's limited pages, but you manage to rattle through a load of characters, and yet it somehow didn't feel too messy or bloated. It's not my favourite script, but I think it's a good take on the challenge, could have done with more focus on the dwarfs however.

Anyway, I'll give it a consider

Quoted from Dreamscale Warren, just wondering - you say there's no horror, poor dialogue, and awkward writing, yet you give it a consider?  Am I missing something? Also, why do you say there's no horror?  There's a ton of horror here!  Vampires sucking blood, peeps brutally killing other peeps...lots of gore.

I believe pointing some of the weaknesses doesn't mean he can't consider it.
Also, I'm sure by saying 'real horror' he means the feeling of fear, not just horror elements

Hello! Hello!

It's a nice premise you got here. I could see your creativity shines while I was reading this. Changing Snow White into a vampire story is a cool idea and I could see you handled it quite well.

As to say, the dialogue can be less on the nose. Try to let your characters communicate through subtext. With your story, it should be really interesting. Also, I couldn't really feel the moment of terror/horror from your script, but I don't think it's a really big problem.

Overall, I quite like your work and it'll be a consider from me.

PS: like your incest element tho :P

Quoted Text Also, why do you say there's no horror?  There's a ton of horror here!  Vampires sucking blood, peeps brutally killing other peeps...lots of gore.

Horror

noun
1.an intense feeling of fear, shock, or disgust.

At no point did I feel any of those, gore does not make horror, I've said it before and I’ll say it again. Yes it is an element of horror but it still needs something more. What disgusts or shocks me might be very different to what affects you. Horror is subjective like everything else.

Second person to pull me up on thinking there is not enough horror in a script.
Remember these are my personal thoughts, you don’t have to agree.

I still enjoyed it despite the lack of horror and OTN dialogue, that’s why it gets a consider.

I found this enjoyable.  There were a few mistakes here and there, but nothing that you wouldn't notice when going over it.  

I don't think I can give anymore advice than what has already been written.  

Personally, I think there are different levels of horror.  If vampires scared the shit out of me (like they did when I was a kid), I would consider this a very good horror.  But, since they don't really scare me anymore, except maybe the vampires from Twilight, from that definition it wasn't really a horror... for me anyway.

Like I said though, I did enjoy it.

Well done.

Nolan

Warren, I'm not "calling you out", just asking.

And personally, I disagree with what you're saying here.  Horror in the sense of this challenge, is simply a genre of script/film.  Anything having to do with anything "horrific", done in a serious tone, and "for reals", qualifies as horror.

It's really not a personal opinion.  You may not be horrified by much or anything, but the genre of horror is pretty easy to understand.

I wonder whether this is the entry of someone to whom English is a second language. May be I'm wrong but some of the phrasing seemed off, as though the translation didn't quite work. If so, well done in entering. If not, then it did feel awkward in parts.

A secret sister, love with her brother, a vampires curse, etc a lot going on here, and much in line with the genre requirements.

I suppose my concern would be there is too much, that it could be simplified for a short, and that we don't get to know much as it runs around. The idea that the father is happy to kill the mother and effectively child but then awaken her, knowing what she would be - I assume - felt quite a reversal.

But overall, this was a worthy entry.

I like this concept. I think you've got a story here with all the right ingredients. There's the whole peasant versus royalty thing, love, betrayal, action, supernatural elements, etc. But the dialogue just isn't there yet. Keep in mind the time period we're in and the age of your characters.

Quoted Text HARRY Gross in a sexy way.

We're in medieval times, "gross" is not in their lexicon.

Quoted Text SNOW Our type. I�m so sick of being put in a type. We are all the same Ma Ma. Love sees no type. It only sees the heart.

I like what you're trying to set up here but it's not subtle enough. Maybe take an angle with the whole biting thing and go with something like "He bleeds the same as any man". That's not great either, but generally try and stay away from characters saying in explicit detail exactly what they're thinking. The line I just suggested still conveys everything in your four sentences. And it brings back the whole vampire thing, implying that in the back of her mind what she's really thinking about is all the delicious blood coursing through his veins. So you get everything you said originally, plus a new element, in one line of dialogue.

Quoted Text SNOW Nonsense! Are you saying I�ve just committed incest, Ma Ma? Please tell me no! It cannot be!

Again, this is what she might be thinking in her head, but she's not gonna say it. It's too melodramatic. I don't think she has to say anything, just have her react with a look of shock and it'll mean the exact same thing.

Generally, if you can convey something without dialogue go with that. A stern glance, a look of wide-eyed terror, an awkward silence, these moments can sometimes convey just as much as four lines of dialogue. And if you do need to have a character speak, generally look for a way to convey the most meaning in the shortest amount of words. I'm saying generally a lot because I don't want you to take this as a rule you have to follow at all times. It may in fact be counterproductive in some situations. Still something to keep in mind though.

Love the premise of a vampire Snow White! And I love the sacrifice the mother makes.

Then we meet Snow later, partly grown up, and she's kind of a "good" monster. I like that also.

I get what you're trying with the dialog, but I think it would work better to make it sound more real. Or more royal, but still more human.

Lots of potential in this concept! The writing feels slightly rushed, maybe a deadline thing. Not bad, just very rushed.

Snow as a vampire would be worth pursuing as a bigger concept, except the Huntsman has brought Snow off the market for a generation.

Good work.

Title and logline don't hook me… both too open to interpretation

All right. Another super fanciful narrative and for me definitely coming more from literature world.

You hit the original pretty damn well, it almost felt like a soap-opera, which to me the fairytale around Snow White clearly is, with all those relationships, mother-daughter, prince-princess, dwarfs act like siblings etc.

It was short on horror for my taste. Big fairytale feeling - more a story than a movie, must been said. It had interesting features regarding the original educational part fairytales originally include!!!! You remind me of that and I appreciate that habit of you in this challenge...

I'm not sure if the dialogue in this one is mean to be funny in places, but some of it is very funny!

So we have the killing of a vampire mother, incest, family intrigue, twin sister, killing a king... wow, lots crammed in... and I kinda liked it.

There's a certain charm to the OTT nature of it all, I think if re-written focusing on the comedy then this could work.

Decent effort

The action lines weren't very good and I had trouble to finish this. Had to read a couple of lines several times before I understood what you wanted to say. I finished it, but to be honest, I thought it was quite boring. No real horror which grabbed me, and the story was predicatable as dead fish from page one. Why does every story need a vampire or a zombie nowadays? It's so overdone...

Sorry, no offence.

So, who is Snow? I'm a bit confused with the bloodline if people don't know who's related to whom. And if she's a vampire, how is it she's out and about during the day?

She watches an apple get laced with silver and she takes a bite anyway?

And of course we can't see what is being said (p5).

What about the skeletons and bones of people past? Are they dancing in the woods or strewn about?

A bit overwritten with some unfilmables (she concentrates to listen to Helena's heartbeat?).

I'd write more but I've a pot of smoldering silver boiling over in the kitchen.

Pass.

Very apealling story with a nice twist at the begining and near the end.
But some of the scences  seems a litte bit out of  context. Like the drawfs.

From My POV; Helena revealed to fast the truth. The inner fight with her principles and her feelings was missing.
Apart of that great narration  - good work.

A few punctuation gaffes, but nothing too serious. Dialogue could be tightened up.

Do you have any actresses in mind for Helena Carter? ;)

Coincidentally, there was a SW movie with Kristen Stewart, fresh off Twilight.

A strong consider; a rec with a rewrite. A-