One Two by Yarden

Catherine must cook the meal of her life or lose her own.

Short Splatter Horror based on One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

This is way over written. You go into so much unnecessary detail which just makes things confusing. The whole, rope going through a hole and pulley system that you go over a few times did my head in. I mean,I got it, but it was just so over explained.

Almost every action block starts with either he, his or she. Try changing up the perspective from which you are writting to fix this. I personally used to do a lot of this and know it can be a hard one to change.

Had some horrific moments so that was good.

I wasn't a fan of the story overall.

It's a pass from me.

At first I wasn't sure what to make of this, then I had a gander at the original 'One Two' nursery rhyme... you hit every damn part of the rhyme sequence with a scene beat, that's pretty freakin' awesome, man.

Brilliant use of a simple nursery rhyme to paint a lucid, and I do mean 'lucid' tale of  woe. Not sure what, or if you could change anything about this without losing any tie to the original piece.

If Nathaniel was singing the rhyme sequence as he engaged each aspect of his ritual, it would really blow the lid off of this tale, IMO. It would also give the sense of him being even more calm and collected (perfectly insane) whilst he went about his blood lust; by simply singing a well known nursery rhyme. As well, it would inject a bit more dialog into the script, breaking up the long action sequences.

Love the effort and imagination going on here. Wicked.

After reading One, Two, Buckle my Shoe I got what the writer is going for. But if this were filmed would the viewer catch that idea or think its just another Texas Chainsaw Massacre style story.

But It definitely meets the requirement for the challenge IMO. Actually I don't see a real problem with this besides the descriptions of how the trap is set up. Sometimes that comes off like I'm reading one of those instruction pages on how to put a cabinet or swing set together.

Good Job and I'll give it a B

The concept I like. A woman has to cook for her life. But I found there to be way too much detail and it was heavy going. Feels like it needs more story, in fact who's story is this. If the girls, let's meet her earlier etc

Then the punch line is more food, but that's it.

Has potential but needs more...food. Boom boom.

Writer,

Normally I do not stop reading as I want to give everyone a fair shake. We all deserve that. However, this is so way overwritten that I cannot grasp what the story is -- I'm lost in all of your unnessessarily precise descriptions. Written well, mind you, but I'm unable to follow the path of the story because of it.

Steve

Good writing out of the gate.

Oh boy...what happened here?  This now reads like a shopping list - he does this, he does that, and all of the things "he's" doing, don't matter at all to anyone or anything.

Page 2 - Here's a perfect example of unnecessary writing, and actually an example I've used many times in trying to explain overwriting - "Nathaniel exits the front door and shuts it behind him." - No one ever wants to see someone opening and closing doors, unless something scary or the like is behind said door.  It's just a waste of a line, and at just over 6 pages, with so much overwriting going on, this story is obviously threadbare.

Page 3 - I don't think "HOLE" is the right Slug choice, here.  I had to reread the whole scene twice to figure out where we were.

Pretty tough to pull a still beating heart from one's abdomen.

"it in.  It SIZZLES as it his the hot iron." - No clue what this means...or is supposed to mean.

Getting confusing on page 4, and I think it's your Slugs that are doing you in.

The montage does not work at all and completely changes the pace of the script.

The ending leaves me pretty clueless.

Canis says you hit every part of the rhyme with a scene beat, but I didn't get anything from the source material and never in my wildest dreams wold associate this with One Two, Buckle my Shoe.

Biggest issue is the writing and how overwritten it is.  Just doesn't work at all, but I do compliment you on your thought and effort here.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - C

Script/Story/Execution - C

Quoted from Dreamscale Canis says you hit every part of the rhyme with a scene beat, but I didn't get anything from the source material and never in my wildest dreams wold associate this with One Two, Buckle my Shoe.

Lol, dude, I had the same problem, and then it hit me like an epiphany…

Quoted from Dreamscale Here's a perfect example of unnecessary writing, and actually an example I've used many times in trying to explain overwriting - "Nathaniel exits the front door and shuts it behind him." - No one ever wants to see someone opening and closing doors, unless something scary or the like is behind said door.  It's just a waste of a line, and at just over 6 pages, with so much overwriting going on, this story is obviously threadbare.

Three, four… shut the door.

… and that’s when the realization of what was transpiring came clear. If you use the link under the logline to the original, you’ll see that source material is incorporated into the script. I don’t know who wrote it… I just thought it was clever.

Quoted from Gum Lol, dude, I had the same problem, and then it hit me like an epiphany… Three, four… shut the door. … and that’s when the realization of what was transpiring came clear. If you use the link under the logline to the original, you’ll see that source material is incorporated into the script. I don’t know who wrote it, and I’m not trying to kiss anyone’s ass here… I just thought it was clever.

I hear what you're saying.  It's something like the rhyming script. It may well be ingenious, and that's not somehting that transfers to film, or how a script si written.

A really, really interesting attempt.

Outside of the challenge, it's connection to the Rhyme would be far too opaque. I don't know how you could fix that. You could perhaps have the poem at the start, or make it somehow a diagetic part of the script.

I was very involved in the story, it had a wonderfully intense atmosphere, however the ending underwhelmed me. There was too much build up to have such an emotionally small ending.

Good effort.

I agree, it would totally be lost on you if you didn’t have anything to gauge it by on screen, what was transpiring that is. I briefly mentioned singing, or humming the rhyme during the process, at some point it just might jar the mind as to what was happening.

Actually the version I’m used to was completely different to the original here, so even then it would be a difficult thing to peg but, for this OWC I thought it was kind of cool. K, sorry… I won’t bloat your thread anymore :)

I need to agree as well. Overwritten and complicated. I didn't want to search for the original rhyme innuendo as it distracted me from what was going on. The reference would be totally lost if produced. I think I would have liked it more if I wasn't so distracted.

To tell you the truth I didn't understand clearly what you're driving at.

I know the rhyme but don't see how the script is related to it. But that's not important for me. I thought the rhyme might help me understand the idea but it doesn't.

I can take a guess and say that Catherine is trying to tame the moster that he is. And she's doing fine. So you're giving us a glimpse at what the taming of a monster might be like. Or maybe you want to say that taming of a monster is possible.

But it's such a wild guess.
The beginning of it is interesting and exciting. You could introduce Catherine earlier to keep our interest in. And then get to the idea of the story.

I'll start with the positives. It's really well written with clean, crisp descriptions and well sculpted characters.

Negatives. Main one for me is the lack of dialogue, and exceptionally lengthy descriptions. I understand that this contradicts the positives, but upon starting the piece, well it was like getting hit in the face with a massive chunk of text. You've clearly got the skill to create exceptional scripts, but you've got to trim down all the excess wordage for an easier read.

A little confession, gory horror is an absolute hate of mine, and a lot of the time I often think it's just slashing for slashing's sake. I didn't hate this, in fact I quite liked it, yet another consider for me.

I really don't have anything to add to this. I will say I liked the first scene in the cabin.

Code He glides the razor up his neck. Precise. Methodical.

Code A woman SCREAMS in the other room. Nathaniel doesn’t flinch, and continues his ritual.

This stuff was interesting.

When the descriptions focused on Nathaniel and illuminated some tiny bit of his character I was intrigued. Those seemed to be only parts not overwritten too.

This didn't feel like a new writer at all so maybe someone who's been writing a lot of prose recently?

Great writing out of the gate on this one.  I love the source material for this. I love the mystery set forth when he’s shaving and we hear a scream and he doesn’t flinch! Good job - it has that turn the page factor.

Wow and not long after, we have full blown horror and still more mystery. Good job.
On page 4, I think the two dialogues from Catherine you may’ve meant to be (O.S) since she isn’t introduced until later?

The parts where you describe the horse and the pulleys and the hooks...way too much info for me. It slows the read with all that technical talk. Find  a way to shorten that stuff up so you don’t take the reader away or make them feel bogged down.

Ok I LOVE the horror and gore in this piece. I really think it’s the most horrific yet. It made me get a gut punch when he was making the woman eat the soup. The end, for me, was confusing. I am not sure what the mushrooms meant...what they are for...I assumed they were poison but she mentions the name of them ...then both of them are eating the soup. Why would the man fix the soup that would kill him? And then you still have the girl tied up beneath.

There’s so much to like about the story and some parts of this that it would get a Consider from me.

Good job!

I am very familiar with this nursery rhyme but I could not see it reflected in the story at all. Then I read some of the comments and see that it is in there as kind of Easter Eggs. Clever, but it would be lost in translation to film for most I think. I also agree with the comment about having Nathaniel quote the nursery rhyme as he went about his chores. Another suggestion is maybe a child V.O. the rhyme at the key points.

As others have mentioned, there's a huge amount of overwriting here, almost as if you were used to writing prose. Here's some examples from the opening scenes and why they are not normally good for screenwriting.

EXT. FOREST - DAWN

A colonial cabin sits nestled among the dense birch trees. A hitching post stands in front of a worn wooden porch. Crimson rays of sunlight pierce the trees illuminating the still hanging fog.

This is an opening shot and is unnecessary in a spec script. The director will come up with an opening shot, or will ask for one to be put in the shooting script. Imagine for a second if this was produced and the production team asked for the crew to arrange for 'crimson rays of sunlight pierce the trees illuminating the still hanging fog.' on the set. How expensive would that be? When asked why they would say, "Coz it is in the script" but there's no reason for it.

A bit of artistic flair is good to give the reader a taste of what the scene MIGHT look like, but when there's too much detail, it's difficult to read and tough to work out what is essential to the story and what is extra 'fluffy bits'.

Even if you did want such a shot to start with because something happens in it (for example a scream from inside the cabin would be perfect here) you could use the scene heading more e.g.

EXT. COLONIAL CABIN - FOREST - DAWN

A piercing SCREAM rings out from inside the cabin.

Simples! Onto the next block.

INT. CABIN - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

A rooster CROWS in the distance.

NATHANIEL, 38, strong, prim and proper, rises from his four post bed. He dresses himself in breeches, a shirt, and stockings before sliding his feet into buckle shoes.

He walks to a plain dresser with a pitcher and bowl on top, pours some water into the bowl and splashes his face.

He grabs a bar of shaving soap, works up a lather, and spreads it on his face.

He retrieves a straight razor from the dresser drawer, closes his eyes and raises it to his throat.

He glides the razor up his neck. Precise. Methodical. He brings it back down. Glides it up...

OK, for one you are giving the actor acting directions here. You are telling him how to move. That's not the writer's job. The actor knows how to act, the director directs. The writer just tells the story.

Secondly, are we really going to watch a guy get dressed, have a wash, and start to shave? Imagine how boring that would be and how much screen time it would take up?

The rest of the script is full of this and made it a chore to read. I found the premise decent and liked the idea of the captive trying to cook to survive. Having her eat the heart was a nice, gruesome touch but it then just ended very suddenly and in an unsatisfactory manner.

All of this makes it a pass for me but I hope my notes help.

-Mark

Not sure about the title. Interesting logline.

The waking-up scene isn't a good opening, almost always it is not…
and here it clearly hurts your development. It's just nothing that attracts me from the start and introduces the character in an intriguing way.

Otherwise, it's a gruesome plot in general. You need a better intro here, a better title too. Those things are very important to hook readers. The mechanisms were very creative and frightening. You only miss some points to let it shine.

I enjoyed parts of this and then others just seemed over complex and over written (like the pulley system stuff).

I buy the connection to the source, more or less, but the tale itself felt too torture porny for my taste.

Interesting effort

Well written, but I seem to have missed the point of the story -- I admire the lack of dialogue, although what we saw of it was a bit too weird for my tastes. Actually, reading the rhyme, everything make a little more sense -- but that's probably the biggest problem for this as a script. For this challenge, yeah, some good work, outside of it? It's hard to swallow (no pun intended), and even making the nursery rhyme obvious would hurt the read more than it helps it. It's a strange script, and you're in a tough situation. I think I'm just trying to get my words together since there's a lot to say, yet not that much at all. Might get back to this one...

Not bad! After the "big fat hen," the nursery rhyme got lost in the script. But when I re-read the lyrics, the whole thing clicked.

Recommend. A-

The writing is solid, for the most part. Even though I prefer spare and simple, the "overwritten" descriptions were fine. (What the heck does overwritten mean anyway? Seems as if people use it as a catch-all term that may mean different things to different people.)

In any case, I thought the horse-and-pully system of hoisting the fat woman was kind of fascinating. The horror that followed made me want to puke, so the writer succeeded grandly in that department. Side note: interesting that two scripts in this OWC referred to death-cap mushrooms.

This is a very impressive screenplay, it's genuinely shocking but it uses the confines of the nursery rhyme in a way that bypasses horror, almost.

I very much like the writing style, the descriptions are precise, especially Nathaniel's actions with ropes, pulleys, etc. and Catherine's cooking preparations.  If filmed in the same orderly (nonjudgmental) way, the scenes could be entrancing.

The careful activities are what matters in the story. The suffering, the fate of the women in the basement, these are unbearable to consider -- we easily choose to watch the careful, methodical completion of chores, one at a time.  

Catherine's dialogue is powerful, she as much as creates an alternate universe -- her words show interest in Nathaniel's world, appreciation, and hearing her speak, he is never going to be the same.  

This could be an amazing film.

Thank you everyone for giving me a little slice of your life.

Time is the most valuable commodity in this world and I appreciate you giving me some of yours.

It's been a few years since I've written anything so I'm grateful for all of your comments.
There seems to be a theme in the comments:  OVERWRITTEN
Well...overwritten, and the fact that this is the greatest script ever written north of the Mississippi, but more of the former.

Quoted from Warren Almost every action block starts with either he, his or she. Try changing up the perspective from which you are writting to fix this.

Warren,

Upon further review, you are correct.  It does become repetitive.
Note taken.  Thank you.

Quoted from Gum ...you hit every damn part of the rhyme sequence with a scene beat, that's pretty freakin' awesome, man. ...If Nathaniel was singing the rhyme sequence as he engaged each aspect of his ritual, it would really blow the lid off of this tale...

I used the rhyme as my outline and made sure to hit all the beats.  I'm glad you like it.

The most I'd like Nathaniel to do is hum the tune of the rhyme.  This was the origin story, so to have lyrics at the origin wouldn't make sense, but a tune could be on repeat in his head.  It would make him seem even more crazy.

Thanks for the read, Canis.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland ...I don't see a real problem with this besides the descriptions of how the trap is set up. Sometimes that comes off like I'm reading one of those instruction pages on how to put a cabinet or swing set together.

I'll take that as a compliment, Hugh.  I love reading instruction manuals.  
Although it appears others don't share my affinity for assembling a BESTÅ BURS.

I'll cut down on the technical manual writing.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer ...Feels like it needs more story, in fact who's story is this. If the girls, let's meet her earlier etc Has potential but needs more...food. Boom boom.

Bill,

I see what you're saying about whose story this is.  I'll make sure to pay attention to that in future scripts.

"More food"...funny.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from SAC ...Written well, mind you, but I'm unable to follow the path of the story because of it.

Steven,

This is the first time I've ever been faulted for writing well.  I'm not sure I understand your compliment/criticism.  Would you please elaborate?

Quoted from Dreamscale Good writing out of the gate. ...No one ever wants to see someone opening and closing doors, unless something scary or the like is behind said door. Page 3 - I don't think "HOLE" is the right Slug choice, here.  I had to reread the whole scene twice to figure out where we were. "it in.  It SIZZLES as it his the hot iron." - No clue what this means...or is supposed to mean. Getting confusing on page 4, and I think it's your Slugs that are doing you in. The montage does not work at all and completely changes the pace of the script. The ending leaves me pretty clueless.

Jeff,

I had to have him shut the door to hit the beat of the rhyme.  Boring?  Yes, but necessary.

I agree that hole is wrong.  "PIT" may have worked better.

Nathaniel drops the heart/prize into the cauldron and it sizzles as it hits the hot metal.

How are the slugs confusing?  I'm moving the camera where I want to perspective to be.  I see the hatch opening up and Nathaniel looming over the women.  That's why I have the slug for the HOLE.

How does the montage change the pace?  Does it speed it up or slow it down for you?  I didn't want to go into all the details of how Catherine was preparing the meal.  I just wanted to show the important points quickly, à la montage.

The ending is where the rhyme ends.  No need for me to continue once I've told the story.

Thanks for the read, Jeff.
Always a pleasure.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films ...I was very involved in the story, it had a wonderfully intense atmosphere, however the ending underwhelmed me. There was too much build up to have such an emotionally small ending.

Scar Tissue Films,

Thanks for the read and the kind words.  How would you have liked it to end?  What could have brought you more emotional closure?

I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

Quoted from JEStaats I need to agree as well. Overwritten and complicated. I didn't want to search for the original rhyme innuendo as it distracted me from what was going on. The reference would be totally lost if produced. I think I would have liked it more if I wasn't so distracted.

JEStaats,

Thanks for the read.

I'm confused as to how you were distracted.
You say that you didn't want to search for the original rhyme innuendo as it was distracting, yet you were distracted anyway.

What distracted you?

Quoted from khamanna ...I thought the rhyme might help me understand the idea but it doesn't. I can take a guess and say that Catherine is trying to tame the moster that he is. And she's doing fine. So you're giving us a glimpse at what the taming of a monster might be like. Or maybe you want to say that taming of a monster is possible.

Khamanna,

Catherine is trying to survive.  She knows that begging for her life would be pointless, so she tries to become useful.  I could have shown her intentions better if I had stressed the open window when she gets out of the hole.

There's no taming of a monster in this story.  It's pure survival using the skills she has.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Cameron ...Negatives. Main one for me is the lack of dialogue, and exceptionally lengthy descriptions. A little confession, gory horror is an absolute hate of mine, and a lot of the time I often think it's just slashing for slashing's sake. I didn't hate this, in fact I quite liked it, yet another consider for me.

Cammygray1983,

I'm a fan of the Hitchcock method of, "When the screenplay has been written and dialogue added, we're ready to shoot."  Minimal dialogue is my goal.  I can't stand wordy scripts.
The lengthy descriptions I can do something about, and I will.

I'm glad you liked it.  I'm not a fan of gore for gore's sake either.  I prefer to leave things in the imagination of the reader as much as possible.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from MarkItZero When the descriptions focused on Nathaniel and illuminated some tiny bit of his character I was intrigued. Those seemed to be only parts not overwritten too. This didn't feel like a new writer at all so maybe someone who's been writing a lot of prose recently?

MarkItZero,

Thanks for the read.
I'm glad you liked parts of it.

I'm not a new writer, but a rusty writer.  
Prose bores me.  It's so bloated.
Screenwriting is succinct.  At least it should be.

Jordan, I'm taking a little time to help out here.

It's your script and story, so I don't want to add or take away, just show you a  few things that I think will help.

I will E-Mail it to you as soon as I'm done and hope it helps.

Thank you, Jeff.

I appreciate your help.

Jordan

Quoted from Pale Yellow On page 4, I think the two dialogues from Catherine you may’ve meant to be (O.S) since she isn’t introduced until later? The parts where you describe the horse and the pulleys and the hooks...way too much info for me. It slows the read with all that technical talk. Find  a way to shorten that stuff up so you don’t take the reader away or make them feel bogged down. ...The end, for me, was confusing. I am not sure what the mushrooms meant...what they are for...I assumed they were poison but she mentions the name of them ...then both of them are eating the soup. Why would the man fix the soup that would kill him? And then you still have the girl tied up beneath.

Dena,

Thanks for the read.  I'm glad you liked it.  That means a lot to me.

You're right about the O.S. dialogue from Catherine.  I missed that.  You didn't.  Thanks for the catch.

When I read a script I find all the holes in the actions of the characters.  I overthought this part of the script to make sure that it was accurate, not that it read well.  That was an error on my part.
If I rewrite this I'll remove the horse and just have Nathaniel haul the fat hen from the pit by pulling on the rope himself.

The mushrooms were a test to see if Catherine was up to something.  They're poisonous.  Nathaniel knew that.  He's pretty sure that Catherine would know that too.  He was testing her to see if she was trying to poison him somehow.  She saw through the test and declined to use them.  That's why she shook her head 'no'.  Nathaniel had his hand on a knife in his belt because he was going to kill Catherine right there if she accepted the mushrooms.

Thank you for your time.

Jordan

Need your E-Mail, bro.

JordanTheHammerPenisOfThor@iamasexgod.com

WAIT!!!  Don't use that one.  That's for my church youth group.

I'll send you a PM with my email address.

Thanks for the rewrite, Jeff.

You really tightened it up and cleared up a lot of things, but still held on to my original intent.

Thank you!

My only reservation was your use of the word "jagged".  
Nathaniel isn't jagged.  He's surgical.
At least that's how he want's to portray himself until the end when he reveals his monstrous nature.


It's been a little over a year since I've completed a short so I'm VERY rusty.
I appreciate you taking the time to do this as I've always respected your input.

The way you sugar coat your criticism and your gentle approach are skills we should all aspire to.

Jordan

Glad to help, man.

"Sugar coat" my criticism?   ;D ;D ;D ;D  That's a new one.  HA!

Take care.