Rocket Hudson: Secret Agent Vampire by Curtis Lofgren - Comedy - A secret agent who works for an American government organization of vampires, ghouls and werewolves must find the reason behind international oil prices skyrocketing overnight. 104 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Curtis,

So right off the bat you introduce a group of MEN, then go on to introduce one of the men as Omar and give him some dialogue.  Kondar then has some dialogue, but he's never properly introduced in all caps.  Is he one of the MEN?

There is some passive writing.  For instance, "FLOMAR is struggling with his beard".  "FLOMAR struggles with his beard" reads much better on paper, and especially in a script.  Another example is "Muffled laughter is replaced by serious faces and forced coughs".  Try something like "Serious faces and forced coughs overtake muffled laughter".  That's probably not the best example, but you get my drift.  

On page 2 you write, "one of the MEN grows impatient".  I assume this is Schlomar?  Again, he was never properly introduced, you just introduced him as one of the men.  He has a name, so why not just use it?

Page 3, you write "He cannot stand the pain!".  That's not a filmable line.  I don't know that he can't stand it.  You have to show me that he can't stand it.  Maybe something along the lines like, "He grimaces in agony at the sight of his ingrown nail"

Is the SUPPORTER one of the men?  

Again on page 5 "the gang is beginning to realize SCHLOMAR is crazy".  You have to show us how they're coming to that realization.  And is there a reason Schlomar is capitalized?  

I had to stop at page 8.  The same things are done over and over again.  You use a lot of capitalization, on a lot of things that, to me, don't appear to be that crucial to the story.  For instance on page 7, " a FEW write down their phone numbers...".  I don't know why few has to be in all caps.  

I think there could be something very funny with this, but unfortunately I'm focusing too much on the writing mistakes.  If the first seven pages are riddled with the same errors, it doesn't give me much hope for the rest of it.  I'm almost positive that there's a funny story in there, just by the first few pages.  But I don't think anyone would read through the whole thing to find the story if they're encountering all these issues.  Or maybe they will, who knows.  Good on them if they do.  I just can't do it.  

Good luck with this.  Hopefully some more people will chime in for you.

Nolan

"Only you can prevent fang decay!" Haha! Some great one-liners in this script!

"A man who collects BOOS and HISSES wherever he goes." Love this character description!