In-Between by Nolan Bryand - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - After dying of a heart attack, the spirt of Wilfred negotiates his next life.   12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nolan,

Some notes.

I think I've read this one before, but then my brain...

Oh well, here goes.  I like the idea of cycling, and I like the bantering between Wilfred and Omni.  Here's what bothers me.  What would Omni have a desk?  He's a ball of light.  I can see the screen although one would think Omni wold have a better way of communicating with a spirit.  The screen is there for the audience.  You might consider giving Omni various bodies depending on the spirit he's meeting.  If Wilfred can keep is human form, why can't Omni have one?  And another form when he deals with some other spirit.

The observation goes double for the contract.  Who would handle paper?

You might give the D jobs some further thought.  I would think Omni would have all sorts of those--Mumbai latrine cleaner, Quito rat catcher, Turkey prison bitch.  You get the picture.  In fact, if you feel up to it, you can create your own hierarchy of D jobs.  Male, female, shemale, trans, etc.  Since the PC folks have upteen categories, you can have a lot of fun.  

Last, you might try using some other name for the time spent in the new job.  'It's only three murfees.  I can do three murfees.  By the way what's a murfee in earth years?'  'One murfee equals a thousand earth years.'  Yowza!

Overall, this one shows potential.  Look for ways to update Omni with technology and keep the reversal on Wilfred.

Best
Richard

Hey Richard,

Thanks for the comments.  And you did read this before...  and commented on it.  So you're not losing it!  I posted this at the beginning of the year, or last year.  I can't remember now!  When Don was cleaning up the site, he gave me a heads up that the link wasn't working anymore so he was going to remove it.  He said if I wanted to, I could re-submit after the OWC.  So, here it is again.

This actually had some interest from a producer the way it is, but things didn't end up working out.  However, I do like your suggestions and may consider implementing some of them.  It's probably time to take another look at this.  

With regards to Omni having a desk, I just wanted the idea of him being official.  Regardless of him being a ball of light, I think the desk speaks to that.

Thanks again!

Nolan

Nolan,

Haha. Liked that ending. Good choice. Very dry sense of humor here, and not every joke tickled the funny bone. Your dialogue was snappy, but relied upon too much at times. Not quite sure if you even could have thrown in some more visuals to help the jokes along. This seems well planned out enough, and it was a very quick twelve pages, so good job there. However,  I think a wee trim might do this story some good, even if it's half a page maybe. And tied up nicely! Overall, I enjoyed this. Good work, Nolan.

Also like Richard's suggestion on the additional D class job -- I think you could really have some fun with that. And I like the desk. Kind of a joke in itself.

Steve

Thanks for the read and comment, Steve!

Much appreciated.

Nolan

I usually see pages and pages of dialogue and cringe but I have to say I really enjoyed this. I laughed several times.

The writing is good, no real issues there.

Got nothing for you.

Well done.

Nolan, I liked this for the most part. Wilfred is kind of a happy-go-lucky scoundrel. It's a fun character. Once it gets going, the read is fast and easy. The only hiccup for me was the beginning.

The whole back and forth over whether or not there's a grudge doesn't add much. And the stuff about remembering previous lives and forgetting them just left me more confused. I don't think you need to get into that much detail of how it all works, it's a comedy, people will go with the flow as long as it's funny and moves at a brisk pace.

So I'd consider cutting everything from:

pg. 2 --
WILFRED
You’re the one who put me in the
position.  Aren’t you supposed to
know what happens?

to

pg. 3 --
WILFRED
It sounds like you do.  

So after Omni talks about having to do black hole duty Wilfred can say something like "But you look great. Is that a tan line I see?"

Then Omni can go straight into "I have other clients. Let's get this going".

I don't think you'll lose anything essential or particularly funny by cutting all the stuff in between that. Should make for a smoother read.

Only other little nitpick:

OMNI POTENT
I really don’t like you. Out of
the centillions upon centillions of
staffers, I don’t know why they
keep you with me.

**Don't think you need this line. It's pretty obvious he doesn't like him the whole time. And the very next sentence is basically him saying I don't like you without explicitly stating it.

Overall, nice job.

Warren and James,  thanks for the read and comments.  

It's much appreciated!

Nolan

Hi Nolan, I really enjoyed that one, you definitely have a knack for witty dialogue. I chuckled a few times, got a real Joe Pesci type vibe from Wilfred.

It is dialogue heavy and I have no qualms about that. I've seen great movies with heavy dialogue in it, Reservoir Dogs, Clerks, Glen Gary - Glen ross. But the reason the dialogue works so well is also the actor. As a ball of light it would be all in the voice acting and i think you would need some really talented actors to pull it off.

Instead of showing the old man and the aliens, they could portal into their continuity and kind of do the whole "what if" scenario from it's a wonderful life. It would definitely add some needed action and could add another layer of humor.

I didn't quite get the whole cog grudge thing, you're adding information the audience really doesn't know about and i think you should either be on the nose about that piece of information or just keep to the 100 years on blackhole duty.

Other than that I enjoyed it all the way, really good job.

Thanks for the read and comment, Praneel.

Glad you enjoyed it!

Nolan