Present in Absentia by Bruce Alway - Short, Drama - An elderly new widow’s friends try to comfort her with her loss, but she insists that sketchy events proves that her dead husband’s spirit is still at the farmhouse. 14 pages

production: One site. Six speaking actors. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

As I go:

• Page 1.  Your first action block has a paint by numbers feel.
  There's no soul.  I see the farm and barn in my head, but I don't get a feel for the story.
  
  You write:
  "Rusting tractor sits in tall grass near a large empty barn with faded red paint, tall weeds, broken fences. Two gravestones stand together."
  
  I write:
  A broken down tractor rusts away in the shadow of decrepit barn.  Overgrown weeds consume the dilapidated fence encircling two faded GRAVESTONES.
  
  OR
  
  A rusty tractor rests alongside a well worn barn.  Wild flowers weave between the splintered slats of a derelict fence embracing two matching GRAVESTONES.
  
  The first paragraph paints an ominous scene whereas the second one paints a pleasant scene.
  
  
• Page 1.  How are James and Ethel swinging, holding hands, and drinking iced tea at the same time?  There aren't enough hands for all of that.  How old are they?
  
• The dialogue is on-the-nose and boring.  
  
  "I love you.  No I love you.  But I love you more.  Oh we're in love.  Love love love."
  That's what I hear in my head when I read the dialogue.
  
• Page 1.  Use an active voice.  Instead of "Ethel is kneeling..."  Use "Ethel kneels..."
  

Skimming...

You can trim this down to about 7 pages by getting rid of a lot of the talking scenes.
Read your dialogue out loud and see if it sounds natural.
Try to come up with a new twist on this story.  It's been told many times before.

Jordan