The Trade by Richard F. Russell - Short, Drama - A beer truck driver finds a bit of bliss on the hottest day of the year, but the bliss comes at a price. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Richard,

I don't feel Kirdre offers anything special enough for these two men to sign contracts they know nothing about. She speaks of her charms enough, and it's clear she's as refreshing as a cool breeze, but I don't understand what it is she's really giving these two men. I guess to me it's just a logic issue.  I'd understand if she performed some kind of magic they'd never seen, or made them feel like they were in some kind of special, magical place they did not want to return from. If it's just her presence then it's not clear enough Ray and Dooley desperately want it they'd be willing to sign a contract.

And the contract? Why are they even signing it without wanting to read the fine print or something? Neither of them seem too concerned about this at all. I'd figure if they were just "going along with it" they might give a nod and a wink to one another.

I dunno. Didn't work for me, Richard.

Steve

Hi Richard,

Hmm, I'm flummoxed.

Whoops...

SPOILERS BELOW

I have no idea what's going on in this tale. Both guys are utterly entranced by this 'siren' of a woman with near magical seductive power and they sign away a day of their lives for an hour of Kirdre's but we never actually see any outcome of the contract both men sign.

Kirdre gives them poetry, promises, and whiskey... And, unless I missed something, that's all they got.

You certainly had a great set up and I was intrigued but it went nowhere for me except to leave me puzzled.

I couldn't help thinking that two men was unnecessary too, surely one would be enough. 'Temptation' going back as far Eve is a great central theme for any story but usually the guy will demand something, obtain something before signing his life away. And, sorry to say, I found Kirdre really annoying. I'd personally tell her to go jump - still I'm a female.

The whole story got me thinking this may have been an additional entry for the 'based on a fairytale' OWC. ??

I'd love some enlightenment.

Folks,

Thanks for the reads and the comments.  I suppose I didn't hit the mark with this one.  It's an older story that I adapted to a short.  The idea was to create a woman so mesmerizing that men would give anything, anything to be with her.  I don't know if women feel that way about men, but I suspect some do.  In any case, she embodied everything these men wanted, and she created a atmosphere better than any Eden.  

I have written several stories about mesmerizing women, about beauty so impelling that men would literally lose their sanity.  hmmm that says something, doesn't it.  But a story that stops at that isn't good enough.  I love irony, that Twilight Zone type that turns an apparent victory into ashes.  So, these men will trade a single day for an hour of rapture.  Who could fault them?  What's one day of toil compared to an hour of bliss?  But she pulls the plug on them.  The irony is that she needs not that day of toil but that day of joy.  She needs  their best day to keep her beauty, her allure.  The butterfly feeds on the orchid, no?  

So, the men must return to their humdrum lives, and they dare not laugh too loud or love too dearly.  They have not traded a single day but a lifetime of happiness.  Not much a trade if you ask me.

Best
Richard

R,
Liked the kick-off and the characters.  Was waiting for this to go somewhere; never did.

JJ

Richard, I read the entire script, and like the others, I'm pretty much clueless as to the what's and why's.

But, there are many other issues here as well.

Lots of overwriting going on.  Lots of wasted scenes, dialogue that runs way too long and says very little.  And, you do something that may be my single biggest gripe - writing lines without subjects...over and over, which reads so poorly and even causes me to pause at times to figure out who or what is being written about.

Another issue is the tone here.  At times, it seems like you are going for a fairy tale-like quality, which is what you should be going for with such a tale.  But then other times, it's completely lost.

The topic of the A/C was a mistake, IMO, as it seemed to "modernize" a tale that seems to want to be set in a timeless place.  Even the interaction between Nelda and Ray didn't work and felt out of place.

Other than that, I see lots of potential...even some lines and some dialogue work well to paint an eerie picture, but all is completely lost in a wrap up that makes no sense, ending on another odd scene with Ray and Nelda.

Kirdre needs more power, more magic, more beauty, actually.  Saying she could be 30 or 50 is not the way to go here.  And of course, she needs to have a reason for what she's doing, even if it's simply to steal away men's souls or lives.

Finally, IMO, you should really do away with or tone way down all the asides and goofy descriptions - some work here, most do not...but all stand out, which means you need to bat 100% to be successful with this kind of jargon, and it's far from that here.

I'd be interested to read a 2nd draft, though, so that's saying something very positive.

Richard,
it has been told a lot about this script...so I add just my simple opinion...the story is too convoluted, hence confusing.
I know you can do a better job.
My best,
Fausto

I wanted more from this as well.  I was left kind of scratching my head with how it ended.  I figured she was some sort of devil, signing contracts and whatnot, but never got any real clarification on that.  Like someone else had mentioned, I think this would have worked better with just one man involved with her.

Good luck,

Nolan

Hey Richard,

Hate to gang up on you, but I must agree with the others. After reading your response, I now understand what you were going for, but I'm afraid I was lost on the page.  The concept is a good one, but I think you flounder a bit in the end.  

A few rambling suggestions...

I think the piece would be stronger if Kirdre, right up front, is clear about what she is doing and simply states to the men - "Look, I know your lives suck, but when you're with me it doesn't. So would you rather spend another boring old year with yourself, or trade it in for one glorious week with me?"  I think many, unhappy souls would choose the latter.  In those tales where you "Sign your soul to the devil" I always thought it was more interesting when the hero fully realizes the agreement, and damns the consequences, as opposed to being played in some way.  I think it's crucial that Kirdre's offer is crystal clear to the reader, so when we get to that moment, we have to stop on the page, and make the same decision for ourselves. Once you've done that, you've got us hooked right till the end.

Look forward to another draft.

My best,
Ron

All,

Thanks much for the reads and the comments.  I will follow the suggestions and try to pin down this exact transaction and why it seems like a good deal.  

Best
Richard

I liked the story overall and i got the whole "hypnotizing siren" thing.  Just like the Sirens in the Odyssey, the men don't really get anything in return for their lives.

My biggest issue was that I felt the story just stopped without ending.  So the guy is trying to be unhappy and is therefore rude to his wife?  If that's the case, maybe follow him up the stairs and show him crying after the exchange... Or maybe have him think that she's full of crap and does something to make himself happy and dies.  I don't know, but I don't feel like the ending quite landed...

Good luck and keep writing!