A Long Stalk Goodnight by MD Thompson - Short, Drama, Western - Two rival Gunslingers duke it out under the moonlight on an old Homestead farm. 15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some notes.

OK, let's start at the beginning.  It's an abandoned homestead but a coop full of chickens?  And don't tell us the cabin is abandoned.  Show us.  No windows, door gone, not a sign of life.  And shouldn't there be a reason the Gunslinger goes to the coop instead of the house?

Your descriptions are far too long and detailed, overwritten.  Essentials.  CHARACTERS are generally capped when introduced.

A professional gunslinger accidentally fires a round from his rifle?  hmmm

Did screen doors exist in the mid 1800s?  Probably.

I don't buy that the dog is so easily fooled.  

Does a Henry make a gigantic hole in a door?  it's not a shotgun.  Big bullet but just one hole.

And he finds the hidden storage area.  

Sorry, but I don't buy this one.  Too much language and characters who don't act as they should.  GS1 should stand his ground and blow the dog out of the air.  Instead, he decides to carve it up?  He's a gunslinger, not a butcher.  

I do like the details.  The screeing windmill, the dark night, the orange cigarette.  Could use a little better ending, something where we learn why these two are doing this.

Best
Richard

A few notes:

1) A chicken coop made out of pallets?  I'm pretty sure that they didn't have pallets in the 1800's, since the forklift wasn't invented yet.  I'm sure they had a variation of a pallet, but I would just take that out completely

2) Same as the above poster, but there are chickens at an abandoned house?  Who's taking care of the chickens.

3) " It's so desperate it's funny".  That doesn't need to be in there.  There are several lines like this that aren't needed.

4) " This chicken coop is a safe haven gem in his exhausted eyes"  Another line you can cut out.  If you can't see it, then don't include it.  If he feels that this is a safe haven, have him do something that tells us that, don't just describe it as such.

5) " His eyes begin to go distant. He is thinking of a memory. Something unpleasant from the past, and how it's all coming back to haunt him tonight".  Way too detailed.  Keep it short and don't tell us what he's thinking, show us.  There are quite a few examples of this.

6) "THE MOONLIGHT BEAMS DOWN THROUGH THE MESH NETTING WINDOW IN THE CHICKEN COOP.
The patterns of the light reflect upon Gunslinger#1 face as he sits. Thinking"  Again, too detailed.  How things will look on screen is the directors job.  Just tell us the story.

7) As someone who has spent a lot of time in chicken coops, I can tell you that chickens would never attack a person.

8 ) I get that these gunslingers don't have names, but find something else to call them... Calling them what you did really slowed down the read for me.

9) " American Pit Bull Terrier"  Just put "dog

I'm gonna be honest because I want you to do well, but I couldn't get past page 6... It was a really hard read and had no flow.  If you're gonna shoot this yourself, that's fine, you can write it however you want, but if you want to try and sell this, i would suggest a major rewrite.