The Supercharged Apprentice by Simon Wiedemann - Short, Comedy - Holy moly! 36 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Simon.

Your opening descriptive block has real issues:

Quoted Text Here in CHRIS'S room, the lights are off, and clothes and guitar magazines lie scattered on the floor. A bin is at the back. This CHRIS is a 22 year old, with spiky, black hair. He is drinking soda at his flat-screened Apple Mac, as he watches a horror video. Many screams and rusty chainsaws are heard. His swivel chair spins with unburned energy, and it often hits his kneeling FRIEND beside him. Even so, his eyes are glued to the screen. His name is KEN, and he is 20. He is a metalhead, and his demeanor and ostentatious choice of clothing can only be described as arrogant

It is way too long - chop it up into bit size chunks.

Don't repeat stuff that is already in the slug (e.g., Chris Room)

Use active writing (e.g., he drinks soda rather than he is drinking soda). As an example - you could open with something akin to:

Dark - no lights. Clothes and guitar magazines are scattered on the floor. A bin is at the
back.

CHRIS (22), with spiky, black hair drinks soda as he watches a HORROR VIDEO on his computer. The BUZZ of chainsaws and the SCREAMS of victims emanate from the computer's speakers.

Ok, thanks I'll sort that out. Any advice on how to write two people talking at the same time? (For example when Chris talks over Pete)...

Quoted from Simon Ok, thanks I'll sort that out. Any advice on how to write two people talking at the same time? (For example when Chris talks over Pete)...

Yes, you use what is called Dual Dialogue. Basically, the dialogue appears side by side like this:

             MIKE                             BETH
   I'm singing in the rain...       Stop it please, you're going
   Just singing in the rain...      to make me crazy with your
   What a glorious feeling...       damn singing!

How to get to that format varies widely depending on which software you are using. But easy to find out. e.g., if you are using Final Draft - just google "how to write dual dialgue in Final Draft" and you will find the formatting instructions.

Also - this:

Quoted Text 1. Expired Soda

Is not a proper slug - you use them throughout and they should be deleted.

Best of luck

Ok, great, thanks again.

Some methods when characters speak over one another.


Dual dialogue formatted in your software:

Frankie and Julie are in a heated argument.

                FRANKIE                                     JULIE
        Get out of my life! I can't             Don't you yell at me! I'll leave
        stand the sight of you any          when I'm when I'm good and
        more!!                                             ready! Tough!!

If a character's speech is cut off, interrupted by the other:

               JUNE
I didn't say that, you big -

                MAVIS
- Yes, but you were about to weren't you,
you big eejit.


Or, in a parenthetical:
        (overlapping)


See, I overlapped with Dave, but he was quicker.  ;D

Thanks for you time.