Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Drama Scripts  /  Gone - Back on the market
Posted by: Don, November 26th, 2016, 9:03am
Gone by Curtis Rainey  - Short, Drama, Thriller - A troubled young boy must come to terms with the reality of death  7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: eldave1, November 26th, 2016, 11:34am; Reply: 1
Hey, Curtis:

There were many things in this to like. Nice effort.

There were several areas where you unnecessarily repeated info that was already in your scene heading. Examples:


Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
James's bedroom is dimly lit, the only light coming from a
slight crack in the blinds.


Don't need "James Bedroom" - already in the slug. Instead - just write:

INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
Dimly lit, the only light coming from a
slight crack in the blinds.

And here:


Quoted Text
EXT. STREET - DAY
ALICE (20) walks down the street. She taps away at her
phone. She's the girl from the photo in James's room.
In the distance, James's watches her. Unnoticed.


Should just be:

Alice taps away at a cell phone as she walks.

And here:


Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE - BATHROOM
Bathroom again. James takes a canister of pills out of a
cupboard. He pops the cap. Empties two into his hand. He
hesitates for a second, then finally, swallows both.


Don't need bathroom again. Just start with "James takes.."
Posted by: LC, November 26th, 2016, 5:31pm; Reply: 2
Curtis, coming at you with some feedback shortly. :)
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 26th, 2016, 5:54pm; Reply: 3

Quoted from eldave1
Hey, Curtis:

There were many things in this to like. Nice effort.

There were several areas where you unnecessarily repeated info that was already in your scene heading. Examples:



Don't need "James Bedroom" - already in the slug. Instead - just write:

INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
Dimly lit, the only light coming from a
slight crack in the blinds.

And here:



Should just be:

Alice taps away at a cell phone as she walks.

And here:



Don't need bathroom again. Just start with "James takes.."

Hey Dave,

100% agree with everything you've said. Will make changes. I've been away from screenwriting for a while, kind of lost my passion, but it's coming back, so this was just something off the top of my head. But taking all your comments on board :)

@LC - looking forward to your comments lovely :)
Posted by: eldave1, November 26th, 2016, 6:14pm; Reply: 4
Cool - best of luck
Posted by: LC, November 27th, 2016, 2:50am; Reply: 5
Curtis, well this certainly packs a punch, bit grim though...

Just so happens to be domestic violence week? white-ribbon day (during the week past), if that makes sense, here in Oz. Is it the same in your neck of the woods?

First off, nicely written, any suggestions that way would be nitpicking from me:

JAMES, 18, skinny, messy hair and pale, has his back down
on the grass staring up at the dull sky.


JAMES, 18,  skinny, pale, messy hair, lies on the grass staring/stares up at a bleak grey sky.

See, nipicking. :) It's good to delete 'and' where it's not necessary though, unless you're going for a certain rhythm. I see the rhythm here:

And if I can't have her, then no one
is going to have her.


However, I feel that line would be all the more powerful without the 'And'.

That's it no more nits.

You've got a handle on the writing  - Dave picked out the repetition in the slug/action lines, so I'll concentrate on story.

I'm a fan of voice over and I think it went very well with the tale you're telling here.

Works well as we get both diametrically opposed points of view. Nicely done, even if favouring James' POV.

Typo p.3
Jame's stands in his bedroom,  - delete apostrophe.

(V.O.) cont from Alice missing from bottom p.3

What the heck is Alice doing alone in the park? I don't know... Perhaps if he ambushes her at a different location? Is this the same time frame, cause if she'd already contacted police she'd probably be wary of being alone in secluded spots.

Probably getting the time frame mixed there, ? me I mean.

That 'camera pan' shot stipulated in the writing will probably get up the pedant's noses. As will the 'orphaned lines. Doesn't worry me.

It's a really good story, I really felt the characters, and you evoked the sinister vibe really well.

You go deliberately for misdirection at the start to make us feel James is going to do himself in, right? And it is effective.

I just wish Alice was the victor in this one and that the misdirection was from her POV, if you get what I mean. That she turns the tables on him i.e., she sets him up in that park.

I suppose it's more realistic the way you've written it, but there's a linear feel to the narrative for me even with that misdirect from him. He's not so much the seducer from the get-go which is a stereotypical abuser - flowers, chocolates first etc. then he transforms into a control freak, but quite obviously off kilter from the start and Alice is aware of this.

Knowing what Alice knows in her gut I wanted her to be more clever... Or do something we don't see coming.

I really enjoyed it, ( for want of a better word) I just wanted her to be more proactive than reactive considering her first instincts.Too many female victims of stalkers and domestic violence and I wanted something more. Short page count so adding more into the mix wouldn't hurt.

Welcome back to SS, Curtis. A good re-entry, and I hope to read more.



Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 27th, 2016, 9:26am; Reply: 6
Hi LC,

Really, really appreciate you taking the time to read over this and really value your review, it's very helpful to me! I'll address your critique in a while as I'm currently on my phone and away from my laptop!


Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 27th, 2016, 11:54am; Reply: 7

Quoted from LC
Curtis, well this certainly packs a punch, bit grim though...

Haha, the stuff I tend to write is usually drama, grim stuff, things that pack a punch. Personally I feel like this is actually tame compared to other things I've written!


Quoted from LC
Just so happens to be domestic violence week? white-ribbon day (during the week past), if that makes sense, here in Oz. Is it the same in your neck of the woods?

I'm not 100% sure if it is here or not, I did however know that it was domestic violence week in Oz as I have a friend who is there at the minute. Bitch. Her photos look amazing.


Quoted from LC
JAMES, 18,  skinny, pale, messy hair, lies on the grass staring/stares up at a bleak grey sky.

See, nipicking. :) It's good to delete 'and' where it's not necessary though, unless you're going for a certain rhythm. I see the rhythm here:

And if I can't have her, then no one
is going to have her.


However, I feel that line would be all the more powerful without the 'And'.

That's it no more nits.

I actually agree with both your suggestions here and see from reading over, my constant over use of 'and' - I need to get rid of that! Thanks for pointing this out. :) The line reads way better without the 'And'.


Quoted from LC
I'm a fan of voice over and I think it went very well with the tale you're telling here.

Works well as we get both diametrically opposed points of view. Nicely done, even if favouring James' POV.

Thanks very much! I deffo agree regarding favouring James. Originally when I was writing it I was going to have it all from James's POV but thought it would be interesting to see both sides.


Quoted from LC
What the heck is Alice doing alone in the park? I don't know... Perhaps if he ambushes her at a different location? Is this the same time frame, cause if she'd already contacted police she'd probably be wary of being alone in secluded spots.

Probably getting the time frame mixed there, ? me I mean.

No. Your point is entirely valid and you haven't confused the time frame. This is the main point that occurs after everything else. I'm deffo going to maybe change the location, or maybe add in a friend? If I had a stalker I wouldn't be walking in the park... Alone... makes sense lol. Thanks for point this out! :)


Quoted from LC
That 'camera pan' shot stipulated in the writing will probably get up the pedant's noses. As will the 'orphaned lines. Doesn't worry me.

I never ever usually include camera shots in my writing, but I felt it was important as to how Alice's death is revealed to the audience. I'm also maybe considering shooting this next year during my uni break with some friends so that's why I included too.


Quoted from LC
It's a really good story, I really felt the characters, and you evoked the sinister vibe really well.

You go deliberately for misdirection at the start to make us feel James is going to do himself in, right? And it is effective.

Thank you! And yes the first page is written as to make the reader think that is his intentions and then it switches it on it's head so glad that came across!


Quoted from LC
I just wish Alice was the victor in this one and that the misdirection was from her POV, if you get what I mean. That she turns the tables on him i.e., she sets him up in that park.

I suppose it's more realistic the way you've written it, but there's a linear feel to the narrative for me even with that misdirect from him. He's not so much the seducer from the get-go which is a stereotypical abuser - flowers, chocolates first etc. then he transforms into a control freak, but quite obviously off kilter from the start and Alice is aware of this.

Knowing what Alice knows in her gut I wanted her to be more clever... Or do something we don't see coming.

I agree with you here. I had an idea after posting this that I still haven't expanded on. Basically as the story progresses we find out that Alice is an unreliable narrator, and was making all this stuff up about James as a way of getting back at him for... something. Hadn't figured out that bit. So she basically ends up stabbing him (killing him) and then stabbing herself to make it look like she was attacked and then attacked James in self defence. I think maybe this would be something I would like to explore more. What do you think?


Quoted from LC
I really enjoyed it, ( for want of a better word) I just wanted her to be more proactive than reactive considering her first instincts.Too many female victims of stalkers and domestic violence and I wanted something more. Short page count so adding more into the mix wouldn't hurt.

Considering what I've said previously, do you think maybe exploring Alice as an unreliable narrator would be of interest? Making her more proactive?


Quoted from LC
Welcome back to SS, Curtis. A good re-entry, and I hope to read more.

Thanks very much! Feels good to be back on the site, reading stuff again, writing as well. I kind of gave up on writing for a while but it feels good to be back at it! I've another few ideas for some shorts I want to explore so hopefully get them tackled soon!

Really appreciate this review LC, taking everything you've said on board! :)

Curtis
Posted by: Gary Manson, November 27th, 2016, 12:40pm; Reply: 8
Hey, Curtis, this was great and an easy read. Great ending. I agree with Libby, though, about this dialogue.

(And if I can't have her, then no one
is going to have her.)

It would be better without the AND.

All the best with this.
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 27th, 2016, 2:09pm; Reply: 9
Hey there, Gary.

Glad you liked the ending. Yeah, agree with both you guys, I've changed it already, plan on resubmitting a rewritten version of this next week hopefully when I get more feedback!

Thanks very much for taking the time to read :)

Curtis
Posted by: LC, November 27th, 2016, 8:09pm; Reply: 10
Glad to hear I offered some helpful suggestions, Curtis.

I like the idea of the unreliable witness, and look forward to reading another draft. :)
Posted by: Jenniferkc22, November 27th, 2016, 10:14pm; Reply: 11
Curtis,

Everyone mentioned things about the formatting and things so I will focus more on my feelings on the story as a reader/viewer. I could really feel the emotion of James. I started to fear for Alice in the middle of the story when it was clear that she was in danger. I felt her being scared, I felt James' rage when he knocked her to the ground and covered her mouth. It was freaky-but that's what a good writer does-they make you feel.

LC mentioned that it would have been nice to have Alice win in this situation, but I know some character's don't win and it's hard to read sometimes stories like this, but I think you captured James' unstable point of view/mind very well and you portrayed it so well that I felt a tiny bit eerie at the end.

I hope that makes sense.

I was drawn into the story and it held my attention all the way through.

I read in one of your comments that you are just recently returning to writing. I am glad you are. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 27th, 2016, 11:15pm; Reply: 12

Quoted from LC
Glad to hear I offered some helpful suggestions, Curtis.

I like the idea of the unreliable witness, and look forward to reading another draft. :)


Glad you like the idea. I may consider writing two versions of this. One where Alice is more proactive as a victim, fighting back etc. And then maybe the second version with her as the antagonist, the unreliable witness idea. I will keep you posted LC, and once again, thank you very much!


Quoted from Jenniferkc22
Curtis,

Everyone mentioned things about the formatting and things so I will focus more on my feelings on the story as a reader/viewer. I could really feel the emotion of James. I started to fear for Alice in the middle of the story when it was clear that she was in danger. I felt her being scared, I felt James' rage when he knocked her to the ground and covered her mouth. It was freaky-but that's what a good writer does-they make you feel.

LC mentioned that it would have been nice to have Alice win in this situation, but I know some character's don't win and it's hard to read sometimes stories like this, but I think you captured James' unstable point of view/mind very well and you portrayed it so well that I felt a tiny bit eerie at the end.

I hope that makes sense.

I was drawn into the story and it held my attention all the way through.

I read in one of your comments that you are just recently returning to writing. I am glad you are. I look forward to reading more of your work.


Hi Jennifer, thanks so much for taking the time to give this a go.

Glad that you connected with James as a character and his role in the script. Yes, I'm deffo going to work on this some more, maybe make Alice more proactive. I myself as a writer love reading roles involving strong female characters so I think that's a good idea, this needs some polishing!

And thank you so much! Good to be back! :)

Posted by: khamanna, November 28th, 2016, 9:17am; Reply: 13
Hey, Curtis.

I liked the story - the misdirection at the beginning is quite effective.

I'd go deeper into your characters, give them a trait or two. Otherwise we don't know anything about them. Maybe not him as he's only a creep, but she has a life and we could learn some more about her to root for her.

I couldn't understand why she would go to the movies with him in the first place? Maybe she was asked by the school councelor or something?

Then again, for the police they should have had something and asking to be your facebook friend is not enough at all. Maybe he switched classes for her, or wrote her name down for a class without asking?
Anyway, nice job.
Posted by: JakeJon, November 28th, 2016, 11:37am; Reply: 14
So you're Curtis,

Thanks for the free Screenwriting lesson.  Relatively new to the craft so an opportunity to absorb some " new good sh-t"  is appreciated.

Specifically, loved your use of VO in this one.   For me, it was a unique and effective method of  moving the story along.  Definitely kept the reader into the thick of it:  both James and Alice narrating, in past tense, as the action is happening  in the present.   Great!

Gonna save that one!

I forget where but I was told to stay away from director "stuff", ie. camera angles, shots. POV's but your use of (MS) forced me to check that one out.   Thanks.

Oh, also Great Story.  Yeah, I thought James was going to take himself out initially, so the gradual change from victim to killer was "reader" satisfying  

An A+ effort.

JJ





































f  
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 28th, 2016, 7:36pm; Reply: 15

Quoted from khamanna
Hey, Curtis.

I liked the story - the misdirection at the beginning is quite effective.

I'd go deeper into your characters, give them a trait or two. Otherwise we don't know anything about them. Maybe not him as he's only a creep, but she has a life and we could learn some more about her to root for her.

I couldn't understand why she would go to the movies with him in the first place? Maybe she was asked by the school councelor or something?

Then again, for the police they should have had something and asking to be your facebook friend is not enough at all. Maybe he switched classes for her, or wrote her name down for a class without asking?
Anyway, nice job.


Glad that people are finding the misdirection effective, thanks khamanna :) Agree with you regarding exploring the characters more and giving them different traits, I am going to focus on this a little more during rewrites. Alice goes to the cinema with James as she really has no reason not to, she's a nice girl who has been asked out to see a movie. As for classes/school, I want to keep this as filmable and low budget as possible. It might be hard for a filmmaker to gain access to a school for certain scenes like that.  

Thanks so much for your comments, appreciate your review!


Quoted from JakeJon
So you're Curtis,

Thanks for the free Screenwriting lesson.  Relatively new to the craft so an opportunity to absorb some " new good sh-t"  is appreciated.

Specifically, loved your use of VO in this one.   For me, it was a unique and effective method of  moving the story along.  Definitely kept the reader into the thick of it:  both James and Alice narrating, in past tense, as the action is happening  in the present.   Great!

Gonna save that one!

I forget where but I was told to stay away from director "stuff", ie. camera angles, shots. POV's but your use of (MS) forced me to check that one out.   Thanks.

Oh, also Great Story.  Yeah, I thought James was going to take himself out initially, so the gradual change from victim to killer was "reader" satisfying  

An A+ effort.

JJ


Thanks for taking the time to have a look at this JJ, and glad you enjoyed the use of V.O. Yes, I deffo do tend to stay away from using angle, shot descriptions etc in the writing but I felt the PAN in the finale was important to the narrative/twist.

Happy you enjoyed and thanks for the read! :)

Curtis
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 29th, 2016, 3:34pm; Reply: 16
Got an email from a media production company in Oklahoma who are interested in producing Gone. :)

Posted by: LC, November 30th, 2016, 3:17am; Reply: 17
Curtis, PM'd you.

Also, Anthony's excellent article on screenplay options/sale of screenplays etc. Scroll down for the specific article.

http://simplyscripts.com/?s=damned%20script

This should really be a 'sticky' and repeated in the screenplay/screenwriting class section of the boards.

Don/Anthony?

Almost forgot  ::)

Big congrats, Curtis! Looking forward to seeing it. :)
Posted by: Jenniferkc22, November 30th, 2016, 3:25am; Reply: 18

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey
Got an email from a media production company in Oklahoma who are interested in producing Gone. :)



Curtis, wow, that is so exciting! Congratulations  :)
How does optioning work, I mean do production companies etc, see a script that they are interested on this website Simply Scripts and they then contact the writer? Or do you send query letters to them or both? Thanks.

So happy for you-how exciting. 8)
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, November 30th, 2016, 10:47am; Reply: 19
A production company would normally contact the writer directly, that's why it's important to have your email on the cover sheet of your scripts.

From there the fun starts with the conversation around option/sale/free etc, I've had a fair few of those conversation and no two are quite the same.

GL with the conversation Curtis (I replied to you PM).

Anthony
Posted by: eldave1, November 30th, 2016, 11:12am; Reply: 20
Congrats on the request. Nice to hear
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 30th, 2016, 4:36pm; Reply: 21

Quoted from LC

Almost forgot  ::)

Big congrats, Curtis! Looking forward to seeing it. :)

Once again, thanks LC! And thanks for all your help. :)



Quoted from Jenniferkc22


Curtis, wow, that is so exciting! Congratulations  :)
How does optioning work, I mean do production companies etc, see a script that they are interested on this website Simply Scripts and they then contact the writer? Or do you send query letters to them or both? Thanks.

So happy for you-how exciting. 8)

Thanks Jennifer :)

Anthony pretty much hit the nail on the head. Make sure to include an email on the title page of your script so interested parties can contact you. I'm not expert when it comes to optioning/selling my work, but Anthony has helped me out an awful lot and I have agreed to let the company produce this free of charge. :)



Quoted from eldave1
Congrats on the request. Nice to hear

Thanks Dave :)
Posted by: Warren, November 30th, 2016, 5:26pm; Reply: 22
Congrats.
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 30th, 2016, 6:42pm; Reply: 23
Thanks Warren, and thank you so much for your help. Hugely, hugely appreciated! :)
Posted by: TonyDionisio, November 30th, 2016, 7:10pm; Reply: 24
Congrats on the option news. I guess one could say that GONE is now gone.lol.
Posted by: MarkItZero, November 30th, 2016, 9:26pm; Reply: 25
Congrats, Curtis!
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, November 30th, 2016, 10:25pm; Reply: 26
Thanks so much guys! :)
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, March 15th, 2017, 9:30pm; Reply: 27
Just a quick update to let people know that the option fell through, sadly. Creative differences with the owners of the company.

I've had a few emails from other filmmakers/student filmmakers interested, but nothing concrete as of yet.

Still open for more feedback on this! Need to make some time to review a few shorts :)
Posted by: LC, March 16th, 2017, 1:26am; Reply: 28
PM'd you Curtis. :)
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, March 16th, 2017, 9:11am; Reply: 29
Shame, but happens all too frequently... hopefully someone else will pick it up.
Posted by: LC, March 16th, 2017, 7:56pm; Reply: 30
A great vote of advance confidence from Dave!   :D
Print page generated: March 28th, 2024, 8:05pm