Pizza > Eyesight by Simon Wiedemann - Short, Comedy - A short play exploring whether pizza is better than eyesight. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

(The opening descriptions have been rewritten....)

INT: BRUCE'S PARENT'S BEDROOM - DAY

A well lit room. An old fashioned phone, connected by a wire, is in the corner. On the neighbouring desk, is an unopened pizza box. BRUCE QUICK (25), lies face up, on his PARENT'S double bed, with his arms and legs spread out. He wears a blindfold, and racing themed pyjamas. His MOTHER (50) and FATHER (50), are by his side. They wear typical clothing for their ages, and caps with the name 'Bruce Quick' on them.

Hi, Simon, This is so funny, disturbing but funny. I'm glad you changed the opening. Just a note, you also missed off FADE OUT, unless you didn't want one of course.

Nice

Gary

Alright, cool, thanks. lolz

Hi S,
Kind of cute, I guess.  I chuckled a few times.  A few comments; Take 'em or leave "em.

So Bruce is a "not so smart" Formula 1 race car driver who tries to repair his failing eyesight with self administered laser surgery?  AND  His parents  (the QUICKS) are racing enthusiasts because of their son's fame.?  

The humor is generated from the three's conversation about the "Now What?"  for Brucey.  I Liked your set up and the situation you created.

Suggestions:
Maybe give Mr. and Mrs. Quick first names instead; Lot's of QUICKS.  Easier on the reader's eye's AND no laser surgery necessary.  Also,  maybe,  MR. PAGE, instead of BRUCE'S BOSS,

pg. 3  vlog?  blog,  I think.

pg. 7, Just a nit, You may want to indicate that the phone is taken off "speaker" when handed to Bruce.

pg. 8  maybe, after Bruce says "bye", add an action indicating that he hangs the phone up.

Minor stuff.  So nicely done.

Oh, I hate Hawaiin pizza.  

JJ

Thanks, that was helpful, good to get it polished...

Simon: I think you have problems with the opening:

Quoted Text BRUCE QUICK is 25, and is wearing a blindfold, and racing themed pyjamas. He is lying face up, on his PARENT'S double bed, with his arms and legs spread out. His MOTHER (50) and FATHER (50) are in typical clothing for their ages, but are also wearing caps with the name 'Bruce Quick' on them. The room is well lit, and an old fashioned phone, connected by a wire, is in the corner of the room. On the neighbouring desk, is an unopened pizza box.

Write in active voice - get rid of all the "is" For example, try:

BRUCE QUICK (25), wearing a blindfold and racing
themed pajamas lies spread eagle on his parents bed.


Note also, no reason to describe the size of the bed.

Quoted Text His MOTHER (50) and FATHER (50) are in typical clothing for their ages, but are also wearing caps with the name 'Bruce Quick' on them

If you are capping MOTHER and FATHER - then they should be the character names used further down in your dialogue (e.g., use MOTHER rather than MRS QUICK)

Also, rather than wasting lines are the details of the room or their clothing (not needed) tell us what MOM and POP are doing. e.g.,

His MOTHER (50) and FATHER (50) both wearing baseball caps 'Bruce Quick' embroidered on them stand at the foot of the bed...

Hope this helps - best of luck.

Read this based on the logline. I think an interesting argument can be made. Not sure about the title. How are you supposed to say it? Technically, it would have to be "Pizza is greater than eyesight?"

Anyway, gave it one committed read and skimmed it a few times afterward. The humor's not for me. It's either too corny or just doesn't pack a punch, which is unfortunate because absurdism at its best is some of the best humor there is. I'm not sure if you didn't go far enough with some of the gags or if you simply opted for "random" as opposed to "absurd" (if that makes any sense at all).

Some of the jokes, I can't even figure out what you're referring to, e.g. Bruce's "opponents." WTF? Also never understood why he was in bed in the first place. His father called him a vegetable, which led to wonder if he was blind and paralyzed, but then comes the joke about walking dogs. Was one or the other supposed to be sarcastic (in the case of the former, sarcastic in the sense that Bruce is not a "vegetable.")?

Biggest disappointment was that at no point does anyone "explore whether pizza is better than eyesight." It's incidental that Bruce's parents are providing him with pizza, which he might as well enjoy having already lost his sight. There's no choice in the matter. Also, the pizza could've been any kind of food, really. It seems like you just went with Hawaiian pizza because it's weird and no one likes it (awaits contrarian response).

Talking about passive voice is tedious and beating a dead horse at this point. I mention it because the kind of writing on display here is exactly the reason why writers say not to use passive voice in the first place. There's no nuance in the way it's used which might lead folks to split hairs about it as far as I can tell. Try using active voice in the future.

Anyway, genuinely weird. I'll give you that. No idea how you came up with this. At the same time, I'm super confused by the thing. Not for me, unfortunately.