Heartbeat by Eric Dickson - Horror - Popular high school student Abra Needham is home alone on Halloween night as police search her quiet neighborhood for two escaped killers.   83 pages

production: Meant for a micro budget - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Heartbeat

Consider a new title. It sounds like a romantic comedy.

Nice opening. The helicopter, the missing key, the missing pet, the open door. You set the mood quickly and the news reports let us piece it together. I would alter your description of Abra’s appearance. Pigtails don’t really suit a teenager that curses and got drunk last night.

Bottom of page 13: you don’t need CUT TO: We know we’re in a new scene by the scene heading on the top of the next page.

p.18, so far Abra’s had several phone conversations which I understand since she’s alone and can’t talk to her dog the whole time. The only problem is the phone dialogue. Abra speaks like no one in real life while on the phone, repeating back the question on the other end so the audience knows what the caller asked. Don’t fall into this trap. Consider cutting back and forth between her and the caller. Letting us see who they are. Giving them a funny appearance or character quirk. It will also help your world feel more alive.

p.20 funny moment with the trick-or-treaters.

So why was her door open at the beginning if no one is inside? And how did the intruders know the code to open the lockbox and take the key? Are there more subtle ways to show that someone was snooping around her house, like fingerprints on the windows, etc?

p.22, don’t say Some time passes. Show us with a new scene heading.

p.28 wait, so the clown was hiding in her closet this whole time? Strains credibility.

p.29 please don’t insinuate that the clown raped Amy. You’ve got a big enough threat with the murders. Don’t go down the train to Rapeville.

p.32 to 33, Abra’s parents finding her and the dead body could be done with a series of shots and no dialogue. Might be more effective.

How can no one identify the dead boy in the closet? Isn’t he a high school kid?

I’m intrigued where this is going. Abra was obviously assaulted and escaped (or was let go) but this is normally the place in the script where the real conflict starts. Having expected the entire script to be Abra escaping the clowns I’m genuinely interested in what happens next.

p.39 okay, you explained the missing key. Good.

p.44 Oh, Amy was part of a prank. Nice twist. This story has taken a nice little turn!

p.49 come into this scene later. We don’t need the introduction.

p.68 it’s not normal for a doctor to be so emotional with their patient.

Consider the title CRY WOLF

I like the ambiguous ending but in this case I think a little more clarity is needed. Abra is supposed to be our hero, right? It’s awfully hard to root for her when nothing she says can be trusted. I think your ending would benefit from finally revealing what really happened out on the tracks.

Have you seen Wild Things? This has the same sort of vibe.

You make it seem like the parents are in on it. What that your intention? Wow, that would be a twist.

Please give my script Hatcher Pass a review when you have time. I think we have very complimentary writing styles. Thanks!

Quoted from angelus77 Consider the title CRY WOLF

Cry Wolf is a 2005 horror flick, with Jon Bon Jovi in it, believe it or not.

Quoted from Dreamscale Cry Wolf is a 2005 horror flick, with Jon Bon Jovi in it, believe it or not.

True. But it's a much better title than Heartbeat. Cry Wolf fits this script PERFECTLY.

By the way, have you read my latest script Star Wars? It's a romantic comedy with lemmings.