I'll Take A Coffee Please by Eric Cook - Short, Drama, Crime - Two gang henchmen go into a diner where they run into their rival gang's boss. It eventually gets ugly. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Interesting premise.  Seems more like a scene out of a movie than a fully fleshed out story.

A few quick notes:

1) The opening slug says they are sitting in a parked car.  I would suggest maybe having them be driving, since that what I was picturing anyway.  Why are two gangsters just sitting in a parked car listening to music?

2) Forget calling them "White henchman" and "Black henchman", just tell us their names up front.   And I would suggest changing Jen's name.  I had to go back and re-read it because I thought you introduced a female character and I just missed it.  It can be especially confusing also, since the waitresses name is Jenny.

3) "EXT. REGGIE’S PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS".  I would suggest changing this slug to "EXT - DINER PARKING LOT - DAY.

4) "Truman’s fap material".  Just call her Jenny.  You're getting way into prose here and you should try to keep it simple.

5) " Remember, we always have our guns in our back-pocket". This is exposition.  The gangsters know they have guns, so why would they mention it?  It doesn't sound natural.  The audience already assumes they have guns.

6) "The restroom’s faucet goes off".  This should be "turns on".  It's confusing the way it is written.

7) "Then, repetitive sounds of thunder are heard as gory holes go through Jenny’s body".  Same as #2

8 ) "The two henchmen are standing up holding handguns".  I actually read that as Vinnys henchmen shooting first, especially when read in context with the previous line.   I assumed that Jenny was talking to the boys and  the Vinnys guys shot her in the back. If Jen and Truman shot first, why would she just stand there and get shot like that?  She had to have seen them go for their guns and duck...

9) "You fucking dumbass! Do you realize what you just caused?!"  It wasn't until here that I realized it was Truman and Jen that started the firefight.

10 ) "The two henchmen and Vinny begin walking to their booth".  I initially read that as the three rival gangsters were walking back to their OWN booth, and I got a little confused.  I would re-word that so that it makes more sense.

11) "Jen’s bullets repeatedly pierce through one guard’s head and the guard collapses".  Most people tend to only get shot once in the head before falling down.

Overall, not a bad story.  I would probably try and figure out a better ending, unless you ARE intending it to be just a scene out of a movie.  I would also suggest going back and rewriting that action scene to make it flow better and make more sense.  Take the prose out of the story and just keep it as simple as possible.

Good luck!

Some notes.

This one didn't grab me.  The writing was passable but not good.  The dialogue was nothing too interesting.  I found no reason for the shoot out.  No disrespect, no confrontation, just a sudden attack in front of countless witnesses.  I have the feeling the author wanted a shootout and so created one, even though the characters didn't seem in the mood.

Doesn't work for me.

Best
Richard

Quoted from muttonman Interesting premise.  Seems more like a scene out of a movie than a fully fleshed out story. A few quick notes: 1) The opening slug says they are sitting in a parked car.  I would suggest maybe having them be driving, since that what I was picturing anyway.  Why are two gangsters just sitting in a parked car listening to music? 2) Forget calling them "White henchman" and "Black henchman", just tell us their names up front.   And I would suggest changing Jen's name.  I had to go back and re-read it because I thought you introduced a female character and I just missed it.  It can be especially confusing also, since the waitresses name is Jenny. 3) "EXT. REGGIE’S PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS".  I would suggest changing this slug to "EXT - DINER PARKING LOT - DAY. 4) "Truman’s fap material".  Just call her Jenny.  You're getting way into prose here and you should try to keep it simple. 5) " Remember, we always have our guns in our back-pocket". This is exposition.  The gangsters know they have guns, so why would they mention it?  It doesn't sound natural.  The audience already assumes they have guns. 6) "The restroom’s faucet goes off".  This should be "turns on".  It's confusing the way it is written. 7) "Then, repetitive sounds of thunder are heard as gory holes go through Jenny’s body".  Same as #2 8 ) "The two henchmen are standing up holding handguns".  I actually read that as Vinnys henchmen shooting first, especially when read in context with the previous line.   I assumed that Jenny was talking to the boys and  the Vinnys guys shot her in the back. If Jen and Truman shot first, why would she just stand there and get shot like that?  She had to have seen them go for their guns and duck... 9) "You fucking dumbass! Do you realize what you just caused?!"  It wasn't until here that I realized it was Truman and Jen that started the firefight. 10 ) "The two henchmen and Vinny begin walking to their booth".  I initially read that as the three rival gangsters were walking back to their OWN booth, and I got a little confused.  I would re-word that so that it makes more sense. 11) "Jen’s bullets repeatedly pierce through one guard’s head and the guard collapses".  Most people tend to only get shot once in the head before falling down. Overall, not a bad story.  I would probably try and figure out a better ending, unless you ARE intending it to be just a scene out of a movie.  I would also suggest going back and rewriting that action scene to make it flow better and make more sense.  Take the prose out of the story and just keep it as simple as possible. Good luck!

Thank you for the advice. I rewrote a draft based on your criticism. It's now up. I'd appreciate if you gave it a read. Thank you,
Eric

Quoted from RichardR Some notes. This one didn't grab me.  The writing was passable but not good.  The dialogue was nothing too interesting.  I found no reason for the shoot out.  No disrespect, no confrontation, just a sudden attack in front of countless witnesses.  I have the feeling the author wanted a shootout and so created one, even though the characters didn't seem in the mood. Doesn't work for me. Best Richard

Hello Richard. I revised it a little and now it's posted. I'd be welcome for you to read it. Also, I want you to take in consideration that this scene was supposed to play out more like a scene than a sole story. The best,
Eric