Beyond Darkness. by Mohamed Mohamud - Short, Thriller - In a dangerous post-apocalyptic world were plunderers roam the roads we follow Blake, a homeless hustler and his teenage friend Zara, as they search for a place to call home.  14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some notes.

This one reminds me of THE ROAD, a very good novel.  

The problems with this one include how the girl can charge a cell phone from a stove.  I'm a bit mystified by that, but with some details I might buy it.  Also, when the gang catches up with them, won't they know there's a female involved?  I mean, they opened the backpacks.  And once they know they'll torture the guy till he dies or gives up the girl.  

I think you can shorten the opening scene.  No real need for too much.

I do like that the girl doesn't try to buy the man or shed too many tears.  In this environment, those would be wasted energy.  

Best
Richard

Hi, Richard!

Super thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate you taking your time on it.
I've rewritten the script and would LOVE to hear your thoughts again, it really helped me out.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B8EsT_D-PSWpSnRqTl93UFVqX1E

P.S I'm new to this page so I'm not quite sure how to update the "published" script.

Quoted from Mohamed Hi, Richard! Super thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate you taking your time on it. I've rewritten the script and would LOVE to hear your thoughts again, it really helped me out. https://www.dropbox.com/s/n6o7177ybwe88cb/Beyond%20Darkness.pdf?dl=0 P.S I'm new to this page so I'm not quite sure how to update the "published" script.

You can just resubmit the script and indicate it is an update. The email you received when your work was posted has information on updating and removing.

Don

Hi, Don!

Thanks for the help, the new version is on its way =).

Thanks again.

Mohamed

The link for updating my script is not working?

I got a link (below) for a new update if someone wants to read it =).

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B8EsT_D-PSWpSnRqTl93UFVqX1E

I liked this for the most part. Very visual. The dialogue was solid except for the the opening reporter dialogue - didn't seem natural to me - to casual for a news report.

Page 5 - HODDED men - did you mean hooded?

Page 9- hormons should be hormones.

Would have liked a little more on Zara's back story (teenager in the run?) as well as Blake's (a homeless Iraqi Vet maybe?) to explain his survival mindset.

The ending was poignant - but didn't quite feel like an ending to me - it seemed liked the beginning of Zara's journey rather than the end of a story.

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

You're right, I'm still trying to develop a good back story for both of them, right now I'm gooing for Zara as a social, outgoing teen and Blake as a man who's always been alone and now, all of a sudden is responsible for a teenager. Not quite there or happy with it yet but I'm still working on it.

The idea is to shoot it as a short film that eventually could be a pilot/first episode for a web series. But it needs to hold it's on as a short film at the same time.

Once again, thanks for the feedback =).

My pleasure.

I do think Blake is a PTSD ridden, homeless vet works - would explain why he is homeless as well as why he has the survival skills he does.

Zara is a little tougher - you make no mention of her parents - frankly, I can of envisioned her as a runaway (abusive step father victim or something like that).

Anyway - best of luck