Hotel FUNTIME by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - To please his young girlfriend, a middle-aged man deceives his elderly grandmother -- with life-changing consequences. 7 pages

production: Shoestring production. Three actors, an office room and a house. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some clean-up needed:

Quoted Text AMBER, pulchritudinous,

Think you can come up with a better adjective.

Quoted Text They are at the end of an animated discussion.

Unfilmable and not needed.

Quoted Text LOUIS Yes, grandma'.

Don't need ' after grandma

Quoted Text She's her granddaughter...her name is KRISTINE, why you asked?

No need to cap Kristine.

Ask - not asked.

Quoted Text EVELYN Because when Olga's daughter was pregnant, Olga told me that her daughter would name the new child MARY.

No Caps on MARY

Quoted Text He talks on his cell phone with Amber.

Don't need with Amber - unfilmable and we learn that in the next line of dialogue anyway.

Some notes

I like this one as far as it goes.  But I think you can get a bigger bang if you put Amber in with Louis and Grandma.  If you show them getting along, then the granny dumping becomes more surprising.

Then, get to the hotel funtime--nursing home--and show us how it doesn't match Louis' glowing description.  Right down to the best friend in her coma, which Louis assures Evelyn is merely 'sleeping'.  

End with Louis watching Amber swap her clothes for Evelyn's.

Best
Richard

Eldave 1,
Thank you very much for your review...I'll immediately clean up the script.
Have a healthy and successful 2017.
Fausto

Richard,
thank you very much for your suggestions. I like the scene Louis, grandma and her friend in a coma...excellent idea.
Have a great, healthy 2017.
Fausto

Quoted from Fausto Eldave 1, Thank you very much for your review...I'll immediately clean up the script. Have a healthy and successful 2017. Fausto

Same to you, buddy

Hey Fausto

You have an orphan straight off the bat, which some will bash you for lol.  You describe Amber then that she's agitated on a new line.  I'd combine them to one description paragraph.  Could also cut the 'they're at the end of a animated discussion.

I'd lose - LATE AFTERNOON from your slug.  Try and keep it to DAY or NIGHT.  If it's later the same day and you want the viewer/reader to know, you could use a SUPER: LATER

Could cut a few things like. Louis hangs his coat on a coat hanger, could lose the second 'coat'. Just little things but they all add up.

Is the kitchen in a different residence?  You state HOUSE - VESTIBULE then APARTMENT - KITCHEN?

Lose the slug, INT. APARTMENT - KITCHEN - LATER. Just state LATER. That will be fine.

Are Kristine and Amber different people because I thought while reading they should be?  But then Amber refers to Evelyn as grandma as if it is her grandma too.  This is confusing as Louis wants her to move in with him?

It's a nice little story and Evelyn was very well written.  My main concern is that it just ends a bit abruptly.  All Louis concerns for his Grandma just seem to be so he can move Amber into his apartment.  This could be intirely what you were aiming for though.

Hope this helps.

Fausto,

I’m guessing English might not be your first language so I’ll focus more on the story.

To me this doesn’t feel much like a contained short.  More a part of a bigger story.  The Grandson simply lies to his Grandmother to get her out of his apartment so he can move his Girlfriend in.  It’s all set-up with little drama/conflict to speak of which leaves the ending to fall flat.  Grandson lies to sweet old Grandma and gets away with it - seemingly with little remorse.  It needs some kind of pay-off to make it more effective - some twist or irony.  

A big part of the logline’s hook is the ‘life-changing consequences’ - but the script ends with little understanding as to what these are.  Life changing how and for whom?

Had to look up ‘pulchritudinous’.  It’s a great word, makes me wonder what else I’m missing out there; but I’m with Dave on finding something a little more everyday to describe Amber - something that lends itself more visually on the page.

One thing I’d suggest is looking up the difference between lay vs. lie.

Hope this helps,

Steve

Steve,
thank you very much for your review.
1. LAY something on the table = you're correct. My mistake.
2."Life changing" for grandma is because she moves from living with her grandson to a nursing home.
3. There is no dramatic conflict but only a subtle maneuvering of her Grandson to get rid of her so that he could live with his girlfriend.
Thanks again. Have a great 2017.
Fausto

Hey Fausto, I absolutely loved reading it. Nice action lines, humorous dialogues, I liked that you made use of Trump.
But is there a story? Not for me, sorry. It's a piece of very good writing. So the ending was disappointing for me. A little note - you mention that Evelyn is 96 y.o. but has no wrinkles. How would that happen?

Forgot to mention that I loved the title.