Calvin - there is a lot to like in this. I do think it could be trimmed a bit and the ending is a little limp. But once you got going - I thought you displayed some nice talent. There were just two areas where I think clarity is needed. Unfortunately - one is the opening:
Quoted Text INT - MYA’S OFFICE- DAY
MISTI DRUMMOND, female mid to late 20s, enters the office
with flowers. MYA TURNBO is an African American female,
early to mid 30s, caramel complexion with a bob or a short
cut. Mya sits behind her desk. Plaques adorn the wall. Misti
sits the flowers on Mya’s desk. |
This was confusing because it is kind of backwards. You go (1) character walks in office (2)a character is in office (3) describe the office. I think it works better as the inverse. something like:
INT - MYA’S OFFICE- DAY
Small but business like. Plaques adorn the wall.
MYA TURNBO, African American female,
early to mid 30s, caramel complexion with a bob or a short
cut sits behind a desk
MISTI DRUMMOND, female mid to late 20s, enters. She has flowers in her hand. She places them on Mya’s desk.
Used your words - just flipped the sequence to show logically how it would appear on film.
Quoted Text INT - HOSPITAL - FAMILY/WAITING ROOM
Mya, CHANCE TURNBO, CHARITY TURNBO, EDWIN HASKIN AND YVETTE
TURNBO are situated in the family room. Dr. NICOLI JAMES
stands before them to brief them on Alyssa’s situation. |
This is confusing. A difficult challenge when introducing many characters at once. Have them do something or at least gives us and age.
Anyway - nice job for the most part. Good effort.