The Colony Run by Tiago Laranjo - Action, Adventure - In the outskirts of the Universe, Officer Eddie T. Cantrell puts his hands on a mysterious black case, bringing danger to his forgotten penal colony. Along with an alien bartender, it's up to them to discover its contents and stop a vengeful gang of renegades of getting to it first. 102 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The title makes me want to read. Very good work there.

The logline is kind of good too but it also is a bit generic I fear. Reads like: Very cool guys do cool things in universe.

Two options to write it different IMO-

First one: focus on Cantrell and tell he's more than cool. He's not the guy from Guardians of the Galaxy or this and that person… bring him rhetorical to the top (as you handle things in the writing of the script)… to hook us despite of that otherwise generic alien opera plot. Full focus on his greatness I mean.

Second way: drama and moral. Is there anything deeper to find in the script, something bigger than searching a box that is otherwise going to make problems for a penal colony? How does it relay to me, the reader, is the question?

Does life ends if Cantrell's mission fails??? – As a human I could identify with such situation.

Even better would be: Is there something about Cantrell that I can personally identify with? Like, safe the universe and find his girl. Or say get over her death or whatever not – drama you know … moral --> EMOTIONS

Okay, I read to page twelve. The staccato style is very risky although makes the read fast and I liked that. The fourth-wall-breaking-writing is a bit too satirical, partly. Sure, it successfully helps to deliver the tone of your story but don't let it become a constant foreign body. It should work for you, as it mostly does since yet; however; I believe at some point you should let loose and stay more with direct page to screen telling. It's already overdone in places – like when mentioning those Western actors. That felt unfocused and teaching-the-world / clever-me writing.

Some other parts, I needed to read several times - like that those cells' are made for TVs

and the part where you say, he throws a monolith in there. That made me directly search if you mentioned a stone or sth. before and if I missed an important information but no – you simple choose to call a Tv monolith here – at least that's what I believe you did.

It's a bit overdone, but otherwise I liked a lot of the staccato and metaphors.

I'd say: just don't let it look like an understatement…

Story is interesting so far.

The characters look great and dialogue feels fresh and crispy. Technically, the opening is done well and answers its purpose to get things going while characterizing the protagonist.

Imaginative settings so far.

This could work.

Logline is important as long as you want to be remarkably differently from general space stories

- "from the start". You know, earning the read with the one-liner, the fast pitch, this stuff is very important.

I'd probably read on but I think you need to come here first, engage at this place, tell who you are, do exchange, and especially review other writer's scripts…

I think I already review too many scripts of unregistered people…

although maybe you're already a member who participates on the boards…
then just show up so we can discuss,

best of luck anyway!!!

First of all, thank you for reading anything at all. Time is a precious thing these days.

And yes, thanks for pointing out the blandness of the logline. Obviously, I didn't write it to be that way but I also spent zero to no time on it. Those pointers will def. come in handy.

The "wise guy writing" may indeed weigh more than it should. I'll do a sweep on it.

Glad that you enjoyed the dialogue and setting so far!

Last but not least, I'll follow your advice and feel the terrain a bit here, get to know the forum and look at other people's babies (should find a lot of pretty ones!).
I didn't even know this place, until a ScriptDrive user told me to check it out.

Thanks for the good work and see you out there!

Good to see you on board.

I'll probably check out more soon, since the story was fun to follow so far.

My teacher-like comment was deliberately a bit provocatively articulated. Sometimes I exaggerate things like that to make certain aspects pretty clear in my review – and I'm happy you perfectly seem to get how it was meant.

I'll come back with some notes. C u then.

Read the first five. Rock solid, IMO.

Some people won't like the staccato style. I think you execute it very well. You can write.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Good to see you on board. I'll probably check out more soon, since the story was fun to follow so far. My teacher-like comment was deliberately a bit provocatively articulated. Sometimes I exaggerate things like that to make certain aspects pretty clear in my review – and I'm happy you perfectly seem to get how it was meant. I'll come back with some notes. C u then.

Easy when you bring nothing but solid points!

Will be waitin'!

Quoted from eldave1 Read the first five. Rock solid, IMO. Some people won't like the staccato style. I think you execute it very well. You can write.

A compliment like that makes you pump harder than any boost of caffeine! Thank you!

PS: Alan Silvestri's Predator suite helped me with those.

Quoted from TiagoL A compliment like that makes you pump harder than any boost of caffeine! Thank you! PS: Alan Silvestri's Predator suite helped me with those.

You'r e more than welcome - I am swamped now - but will try to get back to this at some point

Just finished this.

Really enjoyed some of the dialogue (like on page 50) and also enjoyed the "visual" presented on page 99.

With that said, I personally found the writing style to be confusing. There were entire sections that I scratched my head over. I think it could really be simplified in places. I'll send you a PM with more specifics.  

Quoted from Cooper Just finished this. Really enjoyed some of the dialogue (like on page 50) and also enjoyed the "visual" presented on page 99. With that said, I personally found the writing style to be confusing. There were entire sections that I scratched my head over. I think it could really be simplified in places. I'll send you a PM with more specifics.

As good ol' Jack Burton would (almost) say, reply is in the mail!