Funded by James Brown Jr. - Short, Drama - A young aspiring athlete with a secret, goes to great lengths to keep his hopes and dreams alive. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Although I liked the twist at the end (and somewhat suspected), the ending wrapped up too fast. I suggest you include some buildup throughout the storyline. I know you include hints of the video cam right before the ending, but maybe you could include scenes of where it was hidden? You don't have to show the video cam, but it would ease us into the ending. You have a few dialogues that are longer than necessary (I believe it was the young couple). Review those to see how you can shorten.

Solid start. Good luck!

Thankyou for reading, and thanks for your suggestions. I understand how I could have improved on the build up and will be more of it on my next screenplay.

Main issues I had with this were some words were off (possibly a first draft?) and used incorrectly. There was a lot of characters seemingly just talking to themselves, reminded me of a play...also, not much action overall.

This was a decent read, there were some hiccups for me, but was able to read the whole thing. I agree with previous reviewer, your ending wrapped too fast and wasn't elaborated on at all really. Overall, with a little more work, this could def be something even better than what it already is. Keep it up.

Some notes.

Aside from the writing which needs work, the dialogue is far too direct.  Dialogue, especially dialogue about crime, skirts directness.  You don't talk about murder, you talk about liquidation, or erasure, or greeting cards sent from the beyond.  In a sense, you want the audience to work a little for the story, to invest some time and effort and emotion.  Then, when things happen, they happen to the audience in a sense.  If done correctly, the audience loves it.  Not too much work but enough.  Like anything in life, if you put in some effort, you get out some satisfaction.

Best
Richard