By The Knockers by Rhys Hicks - Short, Comedy - A conversation with an elderly lady causes Eric, an uptight young man, to shake his inhibitions and take more risks. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Rhys

Cute little story. Funny all the way through, great writing and dialogue. Couple of writing errors that you will see on a re-read. I enjoyed this, nothing tripped me up, confused me, and I like the jokes. Nice believe able ending.

Good work, look forward to reading more from you.... hope it gets filmed....

Some notes.

This one is a nice little tale, but for me, there is too much coincidence.  Our hero happens to meet the one woman who can motivate him to break out of his shell.  the hitchhiker happens to be the one woman he wants and has assaulted.  the manager happens to be a coke-head who leaves himself open to blackmail.  Yes, life is full of coincidences, but generally not for the protag.  Coincidence works against him, or if it seems fortuitous, it leads to further complications.  A bit more hit and miss might work here.

Best
Richard

Hey Rhys,

Now that had a couple of laugh out loud moments, in particular the Crazy Jane lines, proper gold right there.

Couple of tiny things I spotted. Eric should be in caps on the first page, and you need a comma after "Well" when it opens the lines on pages 5 and 6. Also is this based in Australia? Maybe get that clarified in the opening scene, and if it is then lose the American English spellings.

Funny, exceptionally crude but still funny, good work mate,

Cam

I enjoyed it.  I was attracted to the read by the title - we've got a relative in our family tree named "Knocker".  With that said, for the last scene, consider the two driving off into the sunset with the car headlights flashing as he throws his "cat" out the window - she smiles;)!

Good script.  It had some laughing moments.  Especially the older woman, Crazy Jane, she had me laughing.  A mouse tattoo and her "pussy" ate it.  I couldn't help but bust out!

Interesting how the two end up in a car together in the end.  If he was any kind of man, he would have made his move in the vehicle, or taken her to a hotel and made out with her one night, no commitments, etc.  Though she did not seem to be that type of girl.  Some what of a snob, but just unhappy or too good for anyone.

Like this script.  Liked how Eric finally grew some balls and made the approach towards his co-worker that he has a boner for.  Shame he got his ass kicked by her.  Eric could have had his way with her in the car in the middle of no where, which is where it seemed he was going when he found his former co-worker along side of the road.  Once Eric was done with her, to get her back for being ignorant towards him, bang her in the back seat, drag her out of the car and leave in the middle of no where.  Ending, she is standing screaming at Eric as his car fades off into the distance.

Still, my thoughts only.  Good script!