Rebirth by Sy Fie - Short, Sci Fi - The oldest woman on earth must undergo a rebirth and lose her memories of life before the 'purge'. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

sci fi

Simple and quite contained.

SPOILERS

A new world where it 'appears' men have gone and woman get re born into a new body to prevent dying.

I liked the conflict with the wisdom of the old lady, versus the clinical approach to life of the new lot. I felt for the old lady.

Weaknesses with the script two fold. Firstly it is a bit wordy, but more importantly this needed a punch/payoff at the end and it didn't really have one.

There was some conflict with the old lady's  appreciation of normal life, versus the clean world, and that going down the 'there must be men route' could be a little obvious, but it did need an edge IMO

Solid entry.

A world with no men...sounds terribly boring. I guess I'm an old lady. I like Rose a lot sorta reminds me of my great-grandmother who is almost 100. She doesn't talk much, but she definitely observes all things around her.

I was a little confused by the process. So Roe has never been reborn but her daughter has? Like, her daughter is a reborn person?

So women can't have children in this world bc of there are no men. All those 'banks' and no natural births. And why do they have to be reborn by force? You give a very vague explanation but no real answer.

This had potential to be really cool....like UP...lol But to me the writer squandered their opportunity to 'go there' in lieu of being sentimental to the main protag. Rose can handle it.

And young Rose is made to seem like she is very siiliar to old Rose but how can that be when her memories would only go to about 10 years old. I guess when Rose was little she was like that.

Good effort though.

A feminist's dream world eh?

The slow burn at the beginning was interesting. Rose was a well realised character.

It all worked well enough, but just seemed to fizzle out at the end. It was an interesting glimpse into another world, but ultimately there wasn't enough meat on the bones for me.

No-one learns anything, nothing changes. It was a nice vignette, but no real story.

The way Beth and Rose talk seemed a little impersonal, almost more like Beth is Rose’s counselor. It sounds like they haven't discussed this until now, but I imagine it would've come up a lot between a daughter and mother this old.

FYI, I can't read about ‘the purge’ over and over without thinking of the movie. Not your fault, but it's there.

Quoted Text ROSE: We’ve been together a long time, haven’t we? BETH: Twice, mom, I’ve lived with you twice.

Maybe the answers are coming, but I'm curious about the age related math implied here (why has Beth been reborn before Rose?) as well as Rose’s ability to remember a Redskins-Giants game better than her daughter. And based on the explanation provided just after, I'm not sure how Beth even knows this info.

This was an interesting premise, it definitely got me thinking more about the story world. As far as the story it seemed to be missing a little something at the end. I suppose Rose chose ten year old model? I'm not sure why. I thought she would just refuse, or chose the five year model and erase as much of her memory as possible.

It seemed like rebirth would be very disorienting. One day you wake up and 50 years have seemed to pass in an instant. And if everyone retains at least the first 5 years of their memory, wouldn't most people have a dim recollection of what it was like before the purge?

Once again, intriguing premise but a little underdone on the narrative.

The opening passage is overdone, but also not really very visual, as there's alot of filler/asides.  Also, having Rose's husband in a picture kind of breaks the challenge parameter, IMO.

Opening dialogue exchange between Rose and Beth does not come across as being very believable, sorry to say.  The two don't seem to know each other.

Just too much dialogue, trying to set up the situation with literally no breaks or action.  Not a good start.

Same problem with the dialogue exchange between Mikala and Rose.  No breaks, no action.  Doesn't read well, wouldn't play well onscreen.

Damn...and again, the same problem with Heather and Rose' dialogue exchange...all background given through dialogue, no action, pure boredom.

Actually, you have the making of a great concept here, but the execution is very poor and there's really no ending...or at least, not a satisfying ending.

This is dull.  Dialogue is pure exposition throughout.  No one seems to know anyone.  Just doesn't work.

Again, this concept should be fleshed out, expended, and I seriously think you could have a big budget feature that could work very well on the Big Screen.  As is, though, it's merely something that hopefully will be reworked and become what it can become.

The Purge was an excellent idea for this OWC of gender reversal - just wipe out the other gender entirely. Focusing on the last woman from before the purge to rebirth was inspired.  

Exposition and wordy. That sweet old lady could use some "I need me a man" sass.

Would it read any different if the world was inverted and the main character was an old man?  The football game memory would fit even better.

Quoted from grademan The Purge was an excellent idea for this OWC of gender reversal - just wipe out the other gender entirely. Focusing on the last woman from before the purge to rebirth was inspired.   Exposition and wordy. That sweet old lady could use some "I need me a man" sass. Would it read any different if the world was inverted and the main character was an old man?  The football game memory would fit even better.

Yeah, because women don't like football. Ew.Sports.

Well written for the most part - but from a story perspective, I think this one has some problems.

First - a nit  issue:

Quoted Text Small, the apartment of the old, with wide doorways for wheelchairs. To one side, a china cabinet filled with the curios of a long life, with a family photo of Rose, husband and daughter. What most old people eventually move to.

Don’t need to mention apartment again - it's in the slug. Just start with ...small, wide doorways....

Quoted Text ROSE Am I that old? Lord, I don’t feel that old.

The line before this describes Rose as lively and aware – but doesn’t know her age? As the dialogue goes on, Rose seems to know about few current things as Beth has to explain them. i.e., she seems unaware and to me the description does not fit the character's dialogue.

Quoted Text ROSE Football. There were football games on TV, and thousands of people would go to the stadium to watch the game. I went just before the plurge.

Typo – plurge

Quoted Text ROSE (O.S.) Mom, where are my shoes. BETH Exactly where you left them. And I’m not your mom. I’m your daughter Beth.

The logic went off the rails for me here. So she comes back as a ten year old and sees Beth as her Mom. Theoretically, she only has memory of age 5 to 10. How would she know Beth in that span? She has no memory of a real mother? I just got totally lost.

The ending was a mystery to me - I had no idea what the point was.

The overall premise is excellent. I just believe there are problems with the execution of the story.

Liked the logline, interesting, let's see where it goes...

Hmm... so not sure when this is set, or where, so struggling with what I feel are inconsitencies...but may not be, e.g. she's a hundred with a daughter in her 30s, she the oldest person alive but she's only a hundred (there's plenty who are much older)... hopefully these get resolved.

But not really... I think this is an excellent idea, but it's confusing in it's current state... definitely worth more work on this one.

Right out of the gate, I wish you didn’t use “the purge” in the logline.  I haven’t even opened the script yet and it just feels like that’s lazy do the fact a successful film series exists with that name.  You could have easily named it something else, or at the very least wrote “a pure.”  I realize this is a nitpick, but I think it’s a valid nitpick.

Pretty wordy opening.

Beth’s dialogue already reads weird.  Like she’s stating facts.  It doesn’t feel natural.

Then she calls her “mom.”  I may be reaching, but the first page is not how a daughter would talk to her mother even if the mother is 100 and slipping.  Just my opinion.

Again, wish you chose a different word than “purge.”

“You must rebirth.”  Had to be a better way to write that line.  “We’re here to rebirth you into a new vessel.”  “You’re here to be reborn into a new vessel.”  I understand you’re trying to make the words “purge” and “rebirth” stick in our brain, but would writing it the other way have killed it?  

I don’t know.  I’m not really digging the dialogue in this script if I’m being perfectly honest.  I can’t really describe why, I just don’t feel like these women have much character.

Well, that ended pretty abruptly.   Too abruptly.  

I like the fact memories was a running thread throughout, and I think it was a cool idea overall… an idea that is kinda derivative, but still cool.  I feel like I’ve seen sci-fi that took place in a world without men, or at least stories that used that idea.  And I kept thinking about the San Junipero episode of Black Mirror while reading this.  I've never really tackled it, but i imagine it's tough to come up with fresh sci-fi ideas.

Decent.

I love sci-fi so this one excited me. An excellent, thought provoking idea. It needs more room to grow though, probably better suited to a short story that a short script.

As it is you use dialogue to tell most of the tale. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy the dialogue, especially Rose who's a very likable character, it just felt like we need to see more of this world rather than be told about it.

It fizzles out at the end, I suspect this is because you ran out of time and pages. I also got confused, isn't Beth, Rose's daughter? If so, why is Rose referring to her as mom at the end?  

This does meet the criteria of the challenge in a unique way and I think it well worth pursuing more outside the confines of this challenge. A good effort.

-Mark

First things first, great premise!  I definitely was curious about the world you created and wanted to know more, so on that front you succeeded.

Now the bad.  Like everyone else mentioned, having the event called "the purge" immediately took me out of the story.  You might as well of had an evil robot named Skynet.

It was a touch overwritten.  I also suffer from this affliction in my own writing, so I definitely understand the dilemma.  I think with another pass over this you could make it a bit leaner and a better read.

Plotwise, it felt odd that your protagonist fights against the "rebirth" throughout the narrative and then at the end just goes through with it.  No twist or real struggle at all.

Also, a bit too much exposition for my taste.  It felt like Rose had lived in another world from the other characters.

Thanks!
Brian

I was okay with this one. I wish there was a bit more explanation of why she chose age ten to be reborn. Was it just to be a pain in her daughters ass? If given the choice of more pages, it might be interesting to have her assess pros/cons of each age a little more in depth.

Good effort - liked it.

This was a mish mash of ideas but generally I liked it. Pretty good concept (reminded me a little of Logans Run for some reason without the violence).

I'm guessing that Rose made it to one hundred purely because she didn't die of natural causes or whatever?  So if you die thats it? You have to be reborn while you're still kicking?

Anyway some tweaks with this and it would go from Good to Excellent for me

Hey writer,

Really strong premise, great start and I was in when I figured out what was going on.

That being said, it kinda just followed a linear path, with no real surprises or twists. I think you've actually come up with a really good idea here, but you need to take it out of this OWC and build on it.

As it stands at the moment, really strong idea which needs expanding, but not enough to compete at the top of the challenge.

Cam

Ooh, I liked this.

I like men too. :) But I like the originality of the idea here. Having said that there are influences I noticed like Divergent specifically, but this is still good in my book.

I might come up with some constructive criticism later but for now, not much I'd change.

Cap Mom (I sound like a broken record) when Mom can be replaced with the first name.
See me after class if you don't get it. :)

Interesting concept, I like the idea where no men exist, where they have to choose a vessel to live on.  The ending is okay, I see what you were trying to attempt.

Overall it's not bad, pretty good, I don't think it'll win, a good entry.

All the best,

Javier

It's a good story and an interesting idea.
I'm thinking it would work much better as a feature.

Women without men - the idea is out there but yours has a different angle, so you might choose to expand on it.

I liked the rebirth angle. As the entry goes - it was a captivating read. The ending lacks punch - but I know you planned to show that she chose to stick with her daughter - which is good. Still needs more of a punch to it.
I think you need to infuse the script with some more conflict. I know Rose doesn't want to follow the rules but she does nothing about it.

Good title, solid logline

P1-2 this is far too much dialogue

With such quantity, dialogue loses context and importance.

"I’m afraid that’s not possible.
You are one hundred today, and
that’s the limit. You must
rebirth. It’s the law."

This is the first clear moment that made me understand the general concept of Rose having to do Rebirth. Too late at p5. There's too much unclear talk about the purge and what was before  that we should have had a better understanding of by having the above information from the start.

It has its charm and I dare to say I like some general thoughts in it. There's potential for a low-budget Scifi imo. What's up with your dialogues writer? It must been said that I think there's 90% too much of it. Needs restructuring and focus.

Good concept.

Well, just like everyone else has said, this is a really good idea.  There's just no room in a story this size for it to develop into something more.  I'd be interested to know if the writer plans on making a feature with this idea.  I'd be sure to read it.

100-year-old woman named Rose? Titanic.

The Purge? Self explanatory.

Age limit before rebirth and/or killing them? Logan's Run.

I loved this one. I'm assuming "plurge" was intentional rather than a typo?

That was quite a twist at the end. Excellent job.

I love the premise! Good for the brain. Please clean up the script as suggested by other readers and possibly extend the number of pages to improve the story. This script has a strong potential.
My best,
Fausto

Great premise.  Not sure how well it's executed, but, I love the idea.

I'd like to know more about the Purge.  Perhaps Rose could complain how much more fun life was with men.

I mean, are we talking planet of the apes where all the dogs and cats just died off?  Was it violent?

You have an entire world based around an event, but, don't give us the event.  Mean, very mean.

I'd love to read this when you don't have to worry about page count.  Tell the story, as it should be told.

I'm also assuming this is far into the future, to be able to transplant memories into a new body.  Is the body human?  Where do they get them from?

Can a transplanted good person turn out bad?  That's a great question...

So, they live in a world where you can live forever, yet, in just 100 years, women couldn't vote.  This isn't Earth.  Women could vote in the year 1920.  If she were born in 1917 (making her 100) then she'd never recall not being able to vote.

So, we clearly aren't on our version of Earth.

New world, new fights are available then.

Dan