Atoll's Edge by Mark Renshaw (MarkRenshaw ) writing as Michelle Yeoh - Short, Action - A soldier finds herself marooned on an island, defending a mysterious orb from an ever increasing number of faceless demons, but what she's fighting for is far more precious than she realizes. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some nice imagery in here.

The ending felt disconnected from the opening of the story. Some more foreshadowing of events would be in order, I believe. You need to hint that there's more going on, and you also need to find some motif to express the need for her to hold on and survive. Perhaps another character who is the opening story, who is really the woman at the end would help. So it is as though Yuna's brain is creating the story from what she's being told in the outside world. I think we need to feel Yuna really wants to die, that's she's really exhausted and had enough and it's only sheer will that's getting her through. I don't quite get that just yet.

The idea of someone fighting to hold on to life in order to give birth was a nice one. Reminded me a bit of the much underrated Kevin Costner film, Dragonfly.

Not bad.

Yeah. I'm getting a little choked up..but you have to understand once you have kids...everything makes you cry.

I was more than pleased with this entry. Good job.

Hmmm,  A few things:
1.  There are some errors or left out words, but, that's common for the OWC.

2.  I agree with Scar Tissue.  You need to show some reason why she fights so hard.  Also, the part in the hospital lost me.  What battle are they talking about?  Cancer?  

3.  This is just a pet peeve of mine, but, the story has one big flaw.  They could have had the orb at any time, before there was someone on the island.  So, you kinda have to come up with a way that they couldn't cross a boundary perhaps, showing that the orb was now in danger, or something like that.

4.  The lack of dialog was interesting.  I would have had her talking to herself all the time, but, that's because I do talk to myself.  It was a good call.

5.  You were excellent with the battle scenes.  Really detailed.  Great scenes.  You really understand action.

6.  The reason why there were no men in your script makes total sense.

7.  Again, only a pet peeve, but, showing her washing up on the island with boat debris would have been a better call so that we understand she isn't here by choice.

Really solid entry.  Nicely done.  This was my first read and it was quite good.

7.5/10

I'll have to agree with DanC on the issue of them getting the orb whenever they wanted to.  

i didn't really get the reveal until I read another comment, and then it made sense to me.  I mean, I understood that she was fighting to stay alive, and that this was a fantasy reality, but I didn't get the daughter thing.  Even when you wrote she was next to a new born, it still flew right over my head.  Maybe I'm just slow this afternoon :p.  Actually, I'm almost 100% sure that's the case!

I had a really easy time picturing the imagery though, great stuff!

Nolan  

Ok, So when I read this I assumed she was fighting for her life after giving birth. The demons represent death (obvi) and the orb represented life (her daughters). The demons weren't after the orb they were after her.

After giving birth some women actually die from the complications and this is an interesting action short about the struggles to stay alive after bringing life into this world.

Quoted from DanC 7.5/10

Dan, if possible, please try to avoid leaving scores in the actual script thread and score them in the scorecard. Thank you. =)

I figured she was in a coma, and she was trying to live long enough to give birth to the child growing in the womb.

The scenario last 273 days....8.9 months.

She seems to have gone into a coma after having sex. Must have been a hell of a guy.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films The scenario last 273 days....8.9 months. She seems to have gone into a coma after having sex. Must have been a hell of a guy.

You can't be serious. :-/

Logline is very poor - an atoll island?  WTF is that?  I think the writer needs to look up exactly what an atoll is.

Well, this is ambitious...that's for sure.  But, for me, a bit too ambitious.

The action writing is not bad, but it's not good enough to make this work.  The writing is not visual and because of that, it's impossible to really see this world and the action that's constantly taking place.

To have 2 Series of Shots is a problem...even 1 Series of Shots in a short is pushing it, IMO.

Attempting the Seagull's POV is again, ambitious, but none of the lines here are written properly, to show the actual POV, or even set up what it is we're supposed to be seeing.

I think Rick nailed what this is really about, but again, for me, it's too ambitious and the payout isn't worth the ride.

There's so little actual dialogue, it's hard to comment on, but the writer met the challenge and this one will be memorable.  I just wish the execution was better.

Freaky stuff as yesty i only watched an early trailer for a game called Death Stranding (made by the guy that made the Metal Gear series) and it has some very similar imagery to this? Maybe the writer was influenced by it I dunno.

I wasn't a fan of the way the action was written as I ended up skimming. I will read it again to fully grasp the intent of the stroy but it seemed a bit all over the place.

Look, an admirable concept that would work better with a rewrite (but that then IMO defeats the purpose of these challenges lol)

This is more like it. A one-woman army!

Little bit repetitive in the second act but I'm nitpicking.
No dialogue to judge there.

I'd tweak some of the dialogue and punctuation (commas where there should be a period/new sentence should begin) etc. and I'm not sure what era/setting or world we're in. It reads sci-fi/fantasy action but even with the back to present day recap/twist and the dialogue of the Old Lady ( I would have named Yuna's Mum, btw), seems a bit contrived in a way, probably to match it's NESB i. e., Korean/English subtitles?

The language choice/suggested subtitles is I presume a style choice.

Anyway nitpicking, like I said.

This is inventive and refreshing. Well done.

I liked this one.

The mother battling her inner demons and what they relate to in the real world(which you never mentioned) for the sake of her unborn child.

Very nice set up and well executed

A Korean martial arts script. Well I can honestly say I've never seen anything like that in a OWC.

I had to look up what an Atoll was - an interesting visual idea but you may need to explain it a bit more. Saying that though, if this is all symbolic or imagined as it suggests then it can look however you want it to.

An all female cast, it certainly fits the premise of the challenge.

-Mark

Well done writer, great stuff here.

Leads in with mystery, speeds into breathless action and then hammers you with the ending. I thought it was an absolutely brilliant concept, and after the reveal it really hit me for six.

There's a couple of tiny typos, and if it was me I'd shorten the hospital ending, but that's just my take on it, and conceptually I doubt I'd be capable of work like this so feel free to ignore my advice.

All opinions should be free and welcomed on this site, so here's mine. This is one of the most beautiful little pieces of work I've seen up here, absolutely stunning.

Genuinely, well done

Cam

Interesting concept.  In my opinion, the ending was a great twist, but didn't make up for the repetitiveness of the first two acts.  It had a real video game feel, which some other readers might enjoy, but it's not my cup of tea.

Obviously, I can't speak much about the dialogue.

Not much more for me to say.  I didn't hate it or love it.  It really was just "meh" for me.

I liked it. It started weird enough for me to keep reading just to find out what was going on. I was happy that it didn't turn into just a bad version of John Carter (if there could be a worse version). I liked how she was getting more and more rundown as time went on and for the final explanation of the why. With more time, I'm sure this could be golden.

Nicely done.

I’m stupid so I had to google atoll.  I can’t be the only one… right?  

Twin suns?  Is this fantasy?  Is this a real life expression my dumbass doesn’t know of?

She kills a faceless demon in front of a huge glowing orb and … shrugs?

No dialogue really makes for an uninteresting read.  That’s not fair, there’s some cool shit, but I need dialogue, even just a taunt from Yuna or something.  

2 Series of Shots in a short?  Most of the script is a series of shots, there’s no dialogue.

All of the fights in this script were written pretty well, maybe a bit long and repetitive but still pretty good.

Man, I’m dumb.  This is clearly deeper than I was giving it credit for, but I’m still a bit confused.  Confused to the point that I don’t even know what questions to ask.  So this is some fantasy in Yuna’s head while she’s lying in a hospital bed sick?  The demons are basically the reaper coming to take her away and the orb represents her child being born?

The naming the baby “Yuna” is throwing me for a loop.  Don't worry I'm rolling my own eyes at myself, but the Baby is Yuna?  The baby and the woman who dies are named Yuna?  Who is the Yuna we watched in fantasy land?  God, I'm dumb.

I don’t even know what to rate this, and I feel bad about it, b/c I’m sure I’m just not getting it the way I’m supposed to.

Hmm, I liked this to start with but this got repetitive for me and I lost interest by the end.

I liked the twist bit thouhg, decent effort

Great title – one of my favorites
Good logline with a lot of conflict – still, information read a bit unfocused yet, too long as well

Good visuals from the start.

Okay: alone at mysterious place - fight, learned to fish – fight…

This is all right for an Action flick but I miss a minimum of build up here, like a short "exploring the island"/or "further confirmation she's alone" situation. It's like karate kid runs into monsters. There's not one bit of back-story about her so far, something personal, a gadget she brought there, or her doing some soliloquy, anything…
Perhaps this is not the point and this should be full on Mortal Kombat style.

Lol Just as I asked for, she meditates – cool stuff

I found it interesting that she dominates all those demons from the start. Usually it's the other way round: First priority, staying alive somehow, you know. To me, it's a very interesting and good choice of you.

Okkkaaay: The ending does not work. I liked the whole script pretty much but the ending does not work in fact. I noticed how you tried hard to let the dramatic switch look like a body and soul thing – the problem is just that you showed 7 minutes of martial arts before, defined a clear target audience with that and then you cannot go into this kind of drama IMO. I generally think you know this already and there's just so and so many things a man can do within 7 days :-)
The general approach of ending: something spiritual about the soul of a warrior is very good. You're on the right track.

Damn, personally I even like this ending; I just believe to know that too many would be disappointed... based on simple story-theory.

Somehow this body/soul/warrior tradition needs some more balance (((probably in act1 there should happen something in this direction))) if it should truly represent the dramaturgic backbone of the script.

Great action. This would look awesome on screen. Very well done. Very clean and clear presentation. Cool entry.

A metaphor for a mother's fight to stay alive long enough for her daughter to be born.  Works for me.  Although I would prefer something more than countless demons, some escalation of the demon, growth.  Bigger, faster, stronger, they're coming for her.  I didn't catch a metaphor for treatment, but that's me.  It's probably there somewhere.  Not a bad little tale.

Michele Yeoh is who I saw as Yuna the warrior. Nice mind trick master.

The lack of dialogue for the first 90% of the story made the dialogue in the final 10% seem unnecessarily long and somewhat vague.

The endless fighting while it was well done and made a point regarding the woman's unwavering dedication could be dialed back. I appreciate your attempt to spice it up with the flares.

A two series of shots didn't add much to the story.

Nicely done.

The Old Lady’s dialogue could be a little more concise and clear. Not on the nose, but...

“OLD LADY: It’s OK child. My daughter comes from generations of brave warriors...In fighting such a deadly adversary for so long, she honoured their memory.”

This is a little too poetic to also be descriptive. Was the daughter actually a soldier in real life? Is the old lady referring to disease/coma/labor complications as a “deadly adversary”?

“OLD LADY: When this little blessing becomes old enough, she will learn of her mother’s battle. I will show her pictures and tell her tales.”

Once again, confused on whether this battle is figurative or what. If it's simply a battle with disease, it seems odd to describe it in this way (exactly what would these pictures be showing?) We’re supposed to be coming out of the fantasy, and I don't see anyone talking this way about their daughter who just succumbed to… something. Certainly she shouldn't speak this way if we're meant to know what she's talking about.

This is the best I've read so far though, and I think it works well as is (aside from the dialogue I mentioned). I do have one stray idea… that maybe the orb contain the growing fetus/child. Faceless demons already land us straight in fantasy land, so I don't think it would hurt to foreshadow the pregnancy transition in this way.

Overall, nice work.

Quoted Text She notices her DOG TAGS

would have read better. The "INSERT" isn't necessary.

There's perhaps a little too much going on, just from describing the buildings and columns. Very busy and borderline confusing.

"CONTINUOUS" is almost never necessary.

It is a little hard to visualize all this. Too much detail.

The Faceless Demon is basically a bald Michael Myers, right?

"it the neck" ??? The whole sentence reads awkward.

Have you thought about capping "CRUNCH"? (No, not the cereal. ;D)



"Yuna calmly cradles it is head in her arms. It struggles." It's/its.

Another it's/its.

"Lagoon"? An actual lagoon or the popular theme park in Utah? Your Utah and former Utah readers need you to specify.  ;D

Finally, you got one of the it's/its-es-es right. :P

I still can't visualize anything. Too much going on. Lost. I'm out on P4.

I don't get it.

I appreciate short and succinct writing but this is an example of that taken to an extreme. The action here, though it should be exciting, is boring. No context is given. I don't know Yuna. The orb. The demons. Anything. Therefore I don't care.

Also, the writing is bland. Almost every sentence begins with she. She jumps. She runs. She fights. She kicks. She falls. etc. Yes it's a OWC which I'm sure is the reason but still, its poor writing.

This could be a really cool idea if only it was developed more. The script poses a bunch of questions early on, where are we, what happened to Yuna, who is Yuna? What is going on with the orb and demons? But after "Day 1" nothing more happens. It's just action for the sake of action. You need to keep giving us more breadcrumbs. Make the orb cry like a baby when it gets damaged. That would be like, whoa. WTF just happened? Having more clues on the walls with images of babies or conception would help. Is there a way you could show love between Yuna and the orb? Make the orb grow over time? Lots of missed opportunities given the reveal.

Also, a lot doesn't make sense here. Who shot the flares in the middle of the story? Why does Yuna set up camp so far away from the temple if it's always attacked? ? Why does she need to eat if this isn't reality?

A decent concept butchered by the constraints of the OWC. But it's a strong idea that could be expanded on into something quite cool.

I find the writing quite hard to focus on but to be fair it moves long quickly.

If I'm right, the woman has been in some form of coma, fighting to live until she gives birth, at which point she is allowed to die.

Good concept, and if it's not that, I like the one I've just written :-)

I would recommend some more foreshadowing and hints of what this is about

Otherwise, fair effort.

Writer,

Damn. I'm sorry. I wish I had read this before I cast my votes, but I simply ran out of time. This was the best one I'd read if the 13 I did, and this would have gotten a very good (at the least) from me. I got everything that you were trying to put across (I think) and I enjoyed Yuna's journey, and the smart, descriptive writing. Very nice work!

Steve

I can honestly say I’ve never had so much fun writing a script than I did putting this together. I love Atoll's Edge, even if I say so myself!

Atoll’s Edge, as most of you correctly figured out, is about a Korean woman who discovers she is pregnant around the same time as she is diagnosed with a terminal illness. She's not expected to last the 9 months and the baby is not expected to survive either.

Determined to go full term and deliver the baby, she fights the disease with everything she has. I chose to show this struggle symbolically, some thought this was her dreams while in a coma, that works too!

The Island is her body, village her womb and the orb her unborn child. The faceless demons represent the disease which spreads rapidly over the 9 months. She arrives in military fatigues with the name of her daughter on her dog tags as a constant reminder that she’s there to fight and what she is fighting for.

At first, she easily defeats the demons but as time goes on and the disease spreads, she struggles. The crate of supplies represents her reserves of strength and the medication she is on. This gradually dwindles until there is nothing left.

In the end she makes it, manages to deliver Yuna and sees her with her own eyes before passing. Yuna is then looked after be her proud grandmother.

Some didn’t like the two sets of series of shots. I wanted to show, as quickly as possible, her day to day routine when she’s coping very well and then in comparisons as she becomes more sick. This was the quickest and easiest way I could think of doing this but I appreciate on paper this may not work for some.

I’d like to thank all those who commented. For those who liked it, thank you very much. For those that didn’t, I understand why. I’d like to single out one comment from Cam.

Quoted from Cameron Well done writer, great stuff here. Leads in with mystery, speeds into breathless action and then hammers you with the ending. I thought it was an absolutely brilliant concept, and after the reveal it really hit me for six. There's a couple of tiny typos, and if it was me I'd shorten the hospital ending, but that's just my take on it, and conceptually I doubt I'd be capable of work like this so feel free to ignore my advice. All opinions should be free and welcomed on this site, so here's mine. This is one of the most beautiful little pieces of work I've seen up here, absolutely stunning. Genuinely, well done Cam

I read this on a dreary Monday when I was doing my day job and feeling depressed. It made my day. It’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about my scripts, thank you very much.

-Mark

I still think this is beautiful. I was with you from jump. It was a toss-up between this one and 'Into the..'

Both are wonderful representations of a mother's struggle. Well done.

Well done Mark.

You've gotta get that whole explanation into the story.  The story would be AMAZING if you do that, somehow.

Please rewrite it and have all that go into it.  

And add some dialog...

Dan

Hey Mark,

No worries at all mate, that was genuine praise for your work.

I'm not normally into action, or the mysterious sci-fi stuff, and when I started page 1 I thought it just wasn't going to work. However, curiosity got the best of me and the continual ramping up of pace, coupled with the mystery surrounding what was actually happening, dragged me to the twist, and maybe it's because I'm a parent but it really hit me hard.

As per my comment above, I really liked it and rate it as one of the best I've read in the short time I've been doing this screenwriting stuff. Conceptually it's right up there, and even though I thought the ending could be taken in by a few lines, I actually think it's got a perfect balance and pacing to it.

Great work Mark, get the few tiny typo niggles ironed out and get it up on the Unproduced Scripts section and see where it goes.

Cam

A friend of mine had a piece of art done to show how Atoll's Edge may look as an animated short. Just thought I'd share it as I think it is wondeful!

https://www.dropbox.com/s/jdak3i7u3889542/Atoll%27s%20Edge.jpg?dl=0

"... has been optioned for actual cash!"

Congratulations, Mark! Keep us posted on the progress. Would love to see this one made.
John

Cold hard cash. Brilliant!
Looking forward to seeing it. The film, not the cash, though that'd be nice too. :)

Congrats, Mark.

Congrats Mark!

Congrats, Mark!

Thanks, guys!

The company that has optioned it wants to expand the story and plans on shooting it over the summer. I'm working on the script with them now. I'm not sure how they are going to pull this off but I'm just focusing on the script and will leave the producing to them.

Well done! I remember liking this one alot when I read it way back when.

Congrats, Mark.

Atta go - congrats!

Big thumbs up! Good job there!

Gary