Postmortem Soliloquy by Fausto Lucingnai - Short, Drama - After killing his elderly mother, a man recalls the salient episodes of his troubled life. 3 pages

production: Shoestring short with high dramatic impact - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Fausto;

Well written format wise, et al.

The dialogue is a little on the nose - don't know what to offer you in that regard since you need the plot elements to justify the action - it just seems unnatural that he would recant stories she knew. I don't know - maybe flashbacks. It's a toughie

Hey Fausto,

I agree with Dave. Solid enough little short but the dialogue could still maybe use some tweaking. It is hard because he has to be talking about their history without any back and forth between them.

I've got a couple suggestions but I dunno if they cut out too much information...

Quoted Text JACK (CONT'D) ...why you got upset with me every time I was with my friends? You were so possessive...now, I have no friends...I'm alone. He sobs silently. JACK (CONT'D) Why Mother?...Why?

Maybe just something like this:

JACK
You've finally got me all to yourself.



And the next line after that...

Quoted Text He gently caresses Olga's hair. JACK I loved you so much...but you did not pay attention to my pain...remember when Daddy left us? I didn't go with him, I stayed with you...because I needed you, I needed your love...your attention...

Instead:

He gently caresses Olga's cheek.

JACK
Think I see a smile. What I would've
given for a smile from you, one kind word.

Hi Fausto,

I liked the beginning, I was confused at first then pictured each new slug as a fadeout, then fade in to the next action he was taking, since it was in the same room.

Once she was dead though the rest fell flat for me. Talking to her was fine, but I felt it needed more. Like a more indepth understanding of what her treatment of him has caused him to do...such as maybe kill someone...molest someone...hurt someone? this could be confession time for him, not just about the sexual abuse....he's opening up to her finally, telling her his sexual abuse secret, but also his 'other' secrets, and now he can finally be at peace.....

Some notes.

A son does his dying mother a favor, and then, he tells her the things he wanted to tell her many years before.  Maybe, but this one didn't work for me.  The dialogue was far too direct and yet too vague.  I would think he would be specific with her, the time they climbed to the top of the Empire State Building, that county fair when the storm came and lightning hit the tent pole.  You know, real memories.  In any case, this one is a challenge.  How do you make this new and special?  

Best
Richard

Hi Richard,
thank you for your review...basically, he kills his mother...the guy was a psychotic...you'll notice that he was vague and jumped from moments of elation to moments of deep sadness...maybe, the improvement should come from this angle...and at the end, he kills himself. Jack was insane.
I'll try to rewrite.
Thanks again.
My best,
Fausto

I think this is brilliant! The love and hate he feels for his mother is so well described.
On the downside, the ending is not very positive, unless you look at death as one big adventure.
Just a minor thing: on page 1 'He holds in his hands a large pillow.' should be 'He holds a large pillow in his hands.'
Also the issue with the sexual abuse seems a bit cliched, it would be nice if you could come up with some different form of abuse or toruture.
I like the honesty and harsh reality contained in this little piece. Well, yeah, I believe that some parents mess up their kids so much that they don't have much chance in life. That's why your character shoots himself in the end...

Marcela,
thank you very much for your review and suggestions. I'm glad you like the premise of the story. Yes, he was insane, psychotic and his self-inflicted death came as a liberation from his life-long pain.
Thanks again Marcela.
Have a nice weekend.
Fausto

Eldave 1, MarkItZero and Kirsten,
as always, thank you very much for your corrections...the road to a perfect script is hard...I hope that little by little I'll get there. Please, be patient with me.
All my best,
Fausto

Hey Fausto, your not alone, its a craft, it takes a lot of hard work to be a screen writer and we are all learning. You're doing a great job and you are doing it, your pumping scripts out and that means you are constantly writing, the more you do the more proficient at it you will be. So keep at it. The one piece of advice  that has always stuck out for me is to never give up. Its the ones that don't stop that finally get their rewards.

look forward to reading more of your work!

K.
it's my pleasure to share my ideas/scripts with you. You have a great propensity to writing and learning.
In my view, of course, the style is key in writing, rules, etc. but the most important feature of screenwriting is the story....original, compelling, meaningful stories. You can write a stylistically perfect script but if the story fails, all you work fails. So, in conclusion, use your imagination and then write down the story.
My best,
Fausto