2nd Draft
Demon in the Sack by Vin Conzo - Short, Monster, Cannibal Horror, Comedy - A frazzled man recounts the events of a terrifying date to his immature co-workers. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

1st Draft
Demon in the Sack by Vin Conzo - Short, Monster, Cannibal Horror, Comedy - A frazzled man recounts the events of a terrifying date to his immature co-workers. 14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Love title... love logline. And wow a comedy :) this ought to be fun.

Really good writing on display here.

I like the way you flash back and forth. Seems organic.

LOL at "I just wanted to get laid." :)

Typo pg 9 against to the floor

Typo pg 10 he limbs bend

I liked this. I laughed multiple times :) Great story telling here. I could just see Brad goin through the motions while he was telling the story. :)

GREAT job writer. :)

The more I got into it, the more I 'got into it'. Very funny and well written. Not sure you meant squeegee board...Ouija perhaps? Ha!

Loved how the coworkers totally misinterpreted Brad's motions and phrasing on his retelling of the night. Great work!

i meant squeegie board - just another cornball joke to throw on the pile.

Appreciate you guys taking time to read it, even though i confess it's not exactly a "scarefest."

Hey, Conz, you're my last read (except for mine, of course)

Here goes:

What does Pre-lap mean?  This is the second time today I've seen that.

So, Brad didn't see what the black smoke did to Dani?  If I saw the Black Smoke from Supernatural or the Smoke Monster from Lost leave an apartment, I'd probably watch where it goes.  Perhaps you could have him dazed or something.

Does Dani look terrifying like Julie in Return of the Living Dead part 3?

Here she is and she's hot and terrifying.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsgSq13zTbs&spfreload=10

Go to 2:28.  

Page 9 you say she holds a piece of the computer above her head AT ready.  I think that At should be gone.

That was fast easy reading.  It was fun.  Not scary, but, it was fun.

I was under the impression that the neighbors summoned the demon in their apt. and it got out.  Is that wrong?  Because you seem to imply that Tressa had been hunting it for a while.  So, I don't see how they could have summoned it.

Poor Dani, she didn't do anything wrong, except hook up with a loser ;)

Good for using a succubus.  Very underused demon.  

The only thing that I wish you'd do is give the demon a reason for doing all of this.  What does she get out of it?  And I'd think she'd be more discreet at least at the beginning.  I mean, she wants to seduce, that's what they do.  Then they suck the life out of you through sex.  

I think you can still marry the 2 ideas together.

Can't wait to see what you come up with.  Good job.  Conz, you're a good writer, and an asset to this site.

Dan

Quoted from Conz i meant squeegie board - just another cornball joke to throw on the pile. Appreciate you guys taking time to read it, even though i confess it's not exactly a "scarefest."

I thought you meant it that way because the guys are so clueless.  You crafted a great little short.  I think it's my fav so far.  

Yeah, it isn't scary, but, that's okay.

I wish I could write this well.  Seriously.

Dan

My .02 cents.

Not feeling the intro scene. Bro banter is hard to write and not make me cringe so maybe it's just me.

The apt is possessed? I think some V.O by Brad would really help here to establish what's going on. Especially since it's so strange. Maybe make him drunk enough that what he recollects and what really happens is totally off base. "The dog is the apt kicked the shit outta the door and knocked me down." Or something like that.

Ted?

Tress just comes outta nowhere? Huh?

This isn't working for me. Sorry. The back and forth between the bros and the crazy sex is jarring for one. But the biggest problem is a weak overall story. The entire middle is one running gag of crazy demonic sex and when Tress comes in outta nowhere it just becomes absurd. I'm trying to picture how this would look on screen and it would be a confusing mess.

I get the idea though. It's not a bad one, just needs a better structure I think. Here's an idea I had on how to restructure that would make it flow better. Just a suggestion.

Make the entire film a flashback with V.O. from just Brad and one of the friends as narration. You don't need 3 friends when one will do. Start in the bar and let us see Brad pick up Dani, way outta his league and to the amazement of his friend. Show hints Dani is possessed from the start. Have Tress be in the background of the bar so she's established. Make Brad DESPERATE to get action so he has a clear goal right away.

Proceed to the apt and do a slow build to the crazy stuff instead of jumping in both feet first right away. Problem I had is since you go crazy kiinky right away you end up repeating the same gags for a good 4 or 5 pages. Having Brad and his friend V.O. during this could be hilarious as a way to show Brad's inner thoughts and desperation.

When Tress comes in this way it would make a little more sense. Maybe make Tress and Dani's struggle more of a "sexy pillow fight" at first. Could be funny.

For whatever reason I kept thinking of Rock Moranis in Ghostbusters hooking up with Sigourney Weaver's Zuul possessed character. This is a solid concept. Just needs restructuring and a cleaner focus.

And away we go...

Doesn't seem like horror so far.

The scene at the apartment building is obviously a Flashback, so yuo need to label it as such.

Page 3 - so the apartment is so tiny that the bed is in the main room?

OK...sorry, but I'm out.  This ain't no horror script, and I'm not amused.

Good job completing the challenge.

I almost bailed on this one but I kept going and it turned out to be pretty damn funny. There are a couple great moments. These two lines I'm gonna go ahead and say were brilliant:

BRAD
I’m pounding her to the point she
starts speaking in tongues!



BRAD
Dani starts eating the other chick.

Justin falls out of his chair.


I think you need to rework the opening and the end. Instead of right off the bat having these obnoxious friends egging him on, I'd make Brad the one who desperately wants to tell the story. He could run in all disheveled and start babbling while they're barely paying attention at first.

As for the end, I think there should be some point to him telling the friends. Some way the friends tie into the whole story. Maybe Brad is finishing up the story as they walk into a secluded warehouse spot. He talks about how Tress mentioned two others demons are still on the loose... and that's when his two friends morph into demon form and attack... only to have Tress show up once again and save the day.  

thanks for the notes, guys.

Pale - thanks for laughing, and always appreciate a head's up on typos.

Dan - I won't even pretend I did much research on the succubus.  i just remember it from a South Park episode.  Good points all around, and that's something that should definitely go into a re-write.  I'll be using your quote, "... a good writer and an asset to the site," on all emails I bombard industry people with in the future.

Cameron - i don't think I'd want to do all voiceover, but you make some good points.  i actually toned down comedy just to give the slightest sliver of "horror" to fit (and subsequently fail at) the challenge.

Dream - I knew you'd stop reading.  Don't worry about it.

Mark - both of those are solid ideas.  Think I'd do the 2nd one in having them play along moreso than having Brad be anxious to tell the story... even though i though the main character should pretty much always push the story.  

At the risk of further making a mockery of this little contest, i think any re-writes will end up pushing this even further into the comedy realm, although i will use Dan's idea to give the Succubus more character, not just be a random thing that possesses a random girl.

ROFLMAO!

This is fucking horror-comedy gold, Conz! The ending parodies An Officer and a Gentlemen.

You have a few minor typos and commas, but other than that, pretty solid (no pun intended).

Great job.

thanks Chris.  I always notice that I go way over the top with commas after a draft.

A little confused by the opening, is MAN and BRAD the same person? If so I'd drop the caps on MAN.

Jumps up with a steaming mug of tea in his hand? Maybe spills some for effect.

I'm not the world's biggest comedy fan but this made me chuckle, writing was crisp and it flowed well.

Good job.

i don't like the way that open is written either.

Gonna try to trim this down a little and change some stuff.  Should be able to find the time.

This was fun, man. The jokes were corny, but the story was entertaining. Well-written as well. A little verbose early on, but somehow doesn't feel like too much.

A few notes for ya...

- "...an unseen force approaches." - Not exactly sure what this is supposed to look like, the force being unseen and all. Best I can think of would be a POV of... something... approaching Brad from behind. You didn't write that, though. I'd clarify.

- You mean, "Speak of the Devil?"

pg. 2 - "PRE-LAP" - Not familiar with this term. Care to elucidate?

pg. 3 - "TED" - Who?

pg. 5 - You mean "scalding?"

Two minor issues with this one. First off, I think Brad's storytelling was a little inconsistent. Sometimes he seems to be giving the straight story with all the supernatural elements up front. Others, he's embellishing to make himself look good. I preferred the latter approach. He seems to end on the former, though, pleading with Justin that "Dani is fucking dead."

Second, I thought the script went on just a tad too long after Brad's story is over. I think it would've been preferably to get to Tress's return as quickly as possible. Otherwise, not bad.

thanks, i default to corny

that whole open sucks.  I hate POV so i tried to write it a different way.  I'll change it all up.

You'd know Pre-lap if you saw it on screen, it's when dialogue voiceover leads into a new scene.  like say a guy's at the beach staring at the ocean and you all of a sudden hear a woman's voice off screen "i just think we need time apart."  then we go right to a scene where he's sitting in a restaurant with a woman, shell shocked.

Ted was a stupid hacky "i forgot your name joke" that i didn't even realize i left in.  Gotta be the most overused joke on the planet.  "My name's Dan."  "Nice to meet you, Don."  "Dan."  "Steve."

i will shorten this

thanks again for the notes.  in the end on the re-write i didn't go too far from the initial draft.  

I didn't want to start in the bar (though that was a good point) b/c i basically just wanted it contained between the office and the apartment building.  And i didn't expand too much on the demon or it's motivations (another good point) because i didn't want to dive too deep into a mythology here, it's really just supposed to be a little comedy sketch/script.  This isn't meant to stretch into anything bigger.

I shortened it, cleaned it up and changed a few things.  hopefully it's better overall.

Hey Conz,

I loved the story and the humor.
The dialogs felt very lively and the scenes were full of dynamic.
Can't wait for your next work.

Pedro

thank you, Pedro.  I appreciate it.

Soooo many awesome one-liners in that: Using literally wrong again; D'you get robbed; the room doesn't look any worse after the ordeal; the star of David... I made a list. Loved it.

One missed opportunity when he whipped out the 5 wood, either: that's nothing to brag about, or there he goes exaggerating again.

Overall great and realistic dialog. I've worked with tools just like the two coworkers described. Great work.

funny you mention that, i literally had a line just like that but thought of all the forced jokes that one was too much.  i couldn't figure out how to word it so it sounded like a measurement which would lead into a line exactly like you just pitched.

thanks

Hey Conz, it was funny.  Did you remove some of the double entendres?  I know once you read a joke once, it's gone, but I didn't see as many as I thought i read the first time.

I'd like to see this without the page count limit.  I think you can take the story so much further.

Dan

FADE IN: goes to the left, not the right.

"snort-laughs" should be hyphenated.

"Squeegee board"? Not "Ouija board"?

"Shure?" The audio manufacturer? Are you s(h)ure you've got the right "sure?"

"underthebed" is three words.

"protecshin." Are these misspellings intentional? Are you affecting an accent?

Man, golf hasn't been this exciting since Rocko's Modern Life spoofed Caddyshack! :D (Apologies to Welcome to Mooseport)

"His eyes rolls back."

Ragdoll, livin' in a movie! :D

"about [to] impale him."

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry
On a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world below
Up where the clear winds blow

I love this! Juicy stuff here. Funny, horrific, solid read. Great job! :)

Haha, congrats on the win, Conz, this one is funny.
You kept me on my toes. And great writing, very nice action sequence. The switches between Brad with his friends and the Demon with Tress chasing after him worked very well. I am planning to read it again.

The only thing - you didn't position Brad as a sexual loser or whatever from the get go and I wish you did for the pay off to have more of a punch.
Nice work otherwise!

Well, I just nipped my head in to take a look at the comp as I heard there was rumour of Gay Star Trek, but this will do nicely.

Great work Conz, proper funny stuff right there. Maybe the flashbacks could have been clarified better, but screw it, a right good laugh and you were clearly all over it.

Cam