For Better For Worse by Richard F. Russell - Short, Drama - To save his wife, a man makes a bargain that takes away what he loves...but only for a little while. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Richard,

This is a good story, I like the premise. i loved the mansion scene and characters, nice work..

It felt like there needed to be a little more conflict between them at the end before he decides to go back to law. Her making the loser comment was good, but it didn't feel like it had enough punch for him to let her get sick again and die. Maybe an extra scene showing more of her personality, to help cement her fate.

Nice job here.

I felt the Townsend B story was actually distracting from what otherwise is a solid premise.

'Fade In' should be on the left, not the right side of the page.

Some telling in the action lines when you should be showing. This is a visual medium.

Couple of typo's, but I won't get hung up on that. A rewrite or two should have you in good shape. :)

Some of the dialog is solid, good even. However, some of it is really awkward. Maybe it's just the way I'm reading it, but it just isn't flowing very well.

Introduction of Tina is awkward. The first time we meet this ten year old girl is a random scene where Wade plays tea party with her in her room. There is no real set up and it feels completely out of left field.

This is kind of all over the place. It keeps jumping around and I'm having trouble following it. Maybe you tried to fit too much into a short? I'd consider adding more to this with a rewrite.

I'm sorry, but this didn't work for me at all. Don't be discouraged though. I'd suggest reading some other scripts here and learning as much as you can. Good luck. :)

~Zack~