Nun Too Soon by David Lambertson - Short, Comedy - Two women taking separate paths end up at exactly the same place.  10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ah, Dave, this is a cracker!

Final line had me in stitches, glad it was delivered by Theresa. Wise move.

Cabbie interjecting was great and your female characters both had unique voices befitting their very different stations in life.

It's late here so I'll read again tomorrow - I think one line pulled me up, but definitely no complaints otherwise, if that...

Splendiferous punchline, great easy dialogue, kept me glued all the way., and very entertaining.

Great job. :)

Quoted from LC Ah, Dave, this is a cracker! Final line had me in stitches, glad it was delivered by Theresa. Wise move. Cabbie interjecting was great and your female characters both had unique voices befitting their very different stations in life. It's late here so I'll read again tomorrow - I think one line pulled me up, but definitely no complaints otherwise, if that... Splendiferous punchline, great easy dialogue, kept me glued all the way., and very entertaining. Great job. :)

Thanks, Libby - very kind words.

This was one of two I wrote for the last OWC. I entered "Meeting the Other Woman" instead as the Cab Driver in the original script for this one  had to be a woman (to fit the contest rules) and I really wanted him to be a man - so I put it on the back shelf till now.  Glad you liked it.

Good script...but, I think you can make the twist a little less obvious by not having the father be an investment banker and also not have the women travel to the same location. It gave it away, IMHO. Maybe Theresa is supposed to meet him in a restaurant nearby and she planned on walking there from the hotel like she did to the other hotel.

Great last line.

This made me think of this. You might get a laugh out of it! A short in itself right there.  :D
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/wtf/uber-driver-shares-epic-tale-of-how-she-picked-up-her-boyfriends-side-chick-at-the-airport/news-story/d42e14dd75d2a3fa90f1e88aefd17f33

Quoted from Grandma Bear Good script...but, I think you can make the twist a little less obvious by not having the father be an investment banker and also not have the women travel to the same location. It gave it away, IMHO. Maybe Theresa is supposed to meet him in a restaurant nearby and she planned on walking there from the hotel like she did to the other hotel. Great last line. This made me think of this. You might get a laugh out of it! A short in itself right there.  :D http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/wtf/uber-driver-shares-epic-tale-of-how-she-picked-up-her-boyfriends-side-chick-at-the-airport/news-story/d42e14dd75d2a3fa90f1e88aefd17f33

Ooh - like the suggestion - will incorporate into next draft - thanks

Love the article - priceless!

You could have Kimberly tell the cabbie that she's going to Hotel Hugo and then Theresa could read off of a note or hand him the address to the restaurant and him saying something like "Don's Pizza, yeah I know where that is. It's only a block away from the hotel."

Just a thought.

MAX THE DRIVER
(proudly)
I got it right off.

:)

The (proudly) made this line for me.

Solid dialogue - felt organic throughout with the comic awkwardness of the situation always simmering just below the surface.  The conversation kept me distracted me from the inevitable pay-off - I think it hit me just as they pull up.  That said, I like that you didn’t end on the realisation that they’re both there to ‘meet’ dad.  You took it an extra step with the whole ‘surprise’ thing.  Nicely handled.  I'd be surprised if you don’t get some interest in this one.  

All the best,

Steve

Do hookers know their client's real name? Asking for a friend...

Thinking maybe they both text him at the same time from the cab (saying they're arriving), and he responds to each, but mixes up the messages - the nun gets the message that was supposed to go to the hooker, and visa versa.

Quoted from Grandma Bear You could have Kimberly tell the cabbie that she's going to Hotel Hugo and then Theresa could read off of a note or hand him the address to the restaurant and him saying something like "Don's Pizza, yeah I know where that is. It's only a block away from the hotel." Just a thought.

that would work :)

Quoted from stevemiles MAX THE DRIVER (proudly) I got it right off. :) The (proudly) made this line for me. Solid dialogue - felt organic throughout with the comic awkwardness of the situation always simmering just below the surface.  The conversation kept me distracted me from the inevitable pay-off - I think it hit me just as they pull up.  That said, I like that you didn’t end on the realisation that they’re both there to ‘meet’ dad.  You took it an extra step with the whole ‘surprise’ thing.  Nicely handled.  I'd be surprised if you don’t get some interest in this one.   All the best, Steve

Thanks Steve - much appreciated

Quoted from Bogey Do hookers know their client's real name? Asking for a friend... Thinking maybe they both text him at the same time from the cab (saying they're arriving), and he responds to each, but mixes up the messages - the nun gets the message that was supposed to go to the hooker, and visa versa.

Thanks so much for the read - I'll think about the suggestion - on face value - it seems a little coincendental

Nice job, Dave! Characters felt real and distinct right off the bat. You set up some good tension simmering throughout the drive.

Some things to consider...

pg. 5 --

Quoted Text KIMBERLY Wait a minute. If you’re a Nun, what were you doing at the Westin Hotel? THERESA I walked there - from St. Anthony’s. It’s just a few blocks. It’s easier to grab a cab there. KIMBERLY Hmm. So you’re really are a friggin Nun? THERESA You make it sound like I’m an alien.

I'd consider cutting all the above and going straight into Kimberly's next line of "Aint never shared a cab with a Nun..."

I don't know why she'd still be doubting Theresa's nun credentials at this point. She certainly has the personality of a nun. Seems like Kimberly would just roll with it. And I don't think the audience is going to be considering the logistics of how/why Theresa was outside the Westin.

Not that important, but just something to make the whole cab scene as lean as possible without losing anything essential character/story-wise.


pg. 6 --

Quoted Text KIMBERLY So, Sister....Wait. Should I call you Theresa or Sister? THERESA Theresa’s fine. KIMBERLY Am I going to hell? Because of the - you know. MAX THE DRIVER The hooker thing.

I wonder if you could work in something to suggest Kimberly is in fact concerned on some level for her immortal soul. Maybe she pauses and stares out the window a moment before asking. She's so blasé about everything else it might be interesting if this did appear to weigh a tiny bit on her conscious.


pg. 8 --

It felt a little anti-climatic that they discover the connection off screen in between scenes. Theresa asks where Kimberly's headed, and she says "Here". Then it goes right to the next scene where they've already figured out it's her father.

Maybe something along the lines of this...

Theresa retrieves CASH from her purse, hands it to Max.

THERESA
That’s twenty two.
(to Kimberly)
Joseph says I'm not supposed to tip
drivers at his building but I don't
see why not.

KIMBERLY
Joseph?

THERESA
My father.

KIMBERLY
Huh. The guy I'm supposed
to be meeting at the hotel
is named Joseph.

A slow, horrible realization dawns on Theresa's face.

THERESA
Oh Dear Lord.

And... finally it hits Kimberly:

KIMBERLY
Oh shit.

Sometimes I think we writers add finicky critique cause that's how we would write it. And, of course cause we've been asked to provide feedback.

But sometimes we can give too much input when something already works and doesn't need fixing.

This is imh, a case in point.

I mean no disrespect to anyone btw. Your POV is valued, (after all that's how this site works), and y'all are providing suggestions.

I really enjoyed this and was immersed in it and I didn't get the twist till right at the last minute, so it worked for me and it made me laugh. Mission accomplished.

I've written scripts before where too much input led to the rewrite being an unholy mess. Just something to keep in mind when something is good already.

P.S. SteveM's comment is very interesting from a story building, clever writing vantage point. I agree with the fact you 'distracted' very well (I called it 'immersed') to the point I didn't see the flip coming.

And, no, Dave is not paying me commission btw. ;D

Hey Dave,

Like Libby, I had a lot of fun reading this and wouldn't really change much. It's a funny, clever, easy-to-shoot script. I'm sure we'll have the chance to enjoy it as a film too.

My only suggestion would be to have Theresa say something like "My mother/brother told me he's in town on bussiness and stays at that hotel". Otherwise, it looks like it was her father who gave her the information, which is strange (considering the birthday gift he had chosen for himself).

Loved it, though. You should write more shorts. :)

Manolis    

Quoted Text Nice job, Dave! Characters felt real and distinct right off the bat. You set up some good tension simmering throughout the drive.

Thanks, bud - much appreciated.

Some things to consider...

Quoted Text I'd consider cutting all the above and going straight into Kimberly's next line of "Aint never shared a cab with a Nun..." I don't know why she'd still be doubting Theresa's nun credentials at this point. She certainly has the personality of a nun. Seems like Kimberly would just roll with it. And I don't think the audience is going to be considering the logistics of how/why Theresa was outside the Westin. Not that important, but just something to make the whole cab scene as lean as possible without losing anything essential character/story-wise.

Don't really agree here - I do think I owe an explanation of why a nun would be going from one hotel to another hotel. I'd actually like to add just a little more to the Taxi scene - more to build on their budding relationship - I just ran out of ideas in this regard.

Quoted Text I wonder if you could work in something to suggest Kimberly is in fact concerned on some level for her immortal soul. Maybe she pauses and stares out the window a moment before asking. She's so blasé about everything else it might be interesting if this did appear to weigh a tiny bit on her conscious.

Interesting in terms of character development - but I do not want to move the tone away from light comedic. Could be a way to accomplish both - thinking.

pg. 8 --

Quoted Text It felt a little anti-climatic that they discover the connection off screen in between scenes. Theresa asks where Kimberly's headed, and she says "Here". Then it goes right to the next scene where they've already figured out it's her father. Maybe something along the lines of this... Theresa retrieves CASH from her purse, hands it to Max. THERESA That’s twenty two. (to Kimberly) Joseph says I'm not supposed to tip drivers at his building but I don't see why not. KIMBERLY Joseph? THERESA My father. KIMBERLY Huh. The guy I'm supposed to be meeting at the hotel is named Joseph. A slow, horrible realization dawns on Theresa's face. THERESA Oh Dear Lord. And... finally it hits Kimberly: KIMBERLY Oh shit.

Don't really agree here. I think the humor derives from what they discovered as opposed to how they discover it.  Also think that the revelation outside the cab provides more of a bang to the twist/coincidence then it would if I built towards it.

Thanks for the read and comments, James - much appreciated.

Quoted from LC Sometimes I think we writers add finicky critique cause that's how we would write it. And, of course cause we've been asked to provide feedback. But sometimes we can give too much input when something already works and doesn't need fixing. This is imh, a case in point. I mean no disrespect to anyone btw. Your POV is valued, (after all that's how this site works), and y'all are providing suggestions. I really enjoyed this and was immersed in it and I didn't get the twist till right at the last minute, so it worked for me and it made me laugh. Mission accomplished. I've written scripts before where too much input led to the rewrite being an unholy mess. Just something to keep in mind when something is good already. P.S. SteveM's comment is very interesting from a story building, clever writing vantage point. I agree with the fact you 'distracted' very well (I called it 'immersed') to the point I didn't see the flip coming. And, no, Dave is not paying me commission btw. ;D

Yes, I believe that we are working under an option agreement where you will only receive a commission should the script actually produced :)

Thanks for the endorsement.

As a note, I am okay with all comments. James in particular has provided me with some absolutely killer detailed notes on several of my features and I think we have the type of writer/reviewer relationship where spit balling different ideas works (i.e., no problem in agreeing to disagree).

Thanks again for you kind comments on this script. Check will come after production:)

Quoted from Athenian Hey Dave, Like Libby, I had a lot of fun reading this and wouldn't really change much. It's a funny, clever, easy-to-shoot script. I'm sure we'll have the chance to enjoy it as a film too. My only suggestion would be to have Theresa say something like "My mother/brother told me he's in town on bussiness and stays at that hotel". Otherwise, it looks like it was her father who gave her the information, which is strange (considering the birthday gift he had chosen for himself). Loved it, though. You should write more shorts. :) Manolis

Thanks, friend - glad you liked it.

fun, snappy read.

"I like to fuck. I just don't like fuckers." is a great line.  

overall, my only 2 cents would be, maybe instead of them meeting Theresa's dad there at the hotel, they're there to meet up with Theresa's mom instead.  

Anyhoo, thanks for sharing :)

And best luck w/ this.

Quoted from bjamin fun, snappy read. "I like to fuck. I just don't like fuckers." is a great line.   overall, my only 2 cents would be, maybe instead of them meeting Theresa's dad there at the hotel, they're there to meet up with Theresa's mom instead.   Anyhoo, thanks for sharing :) And best luck w/ this.

Thanks much - appreciate the read.

Comedy usually isn't my thing, but I owe you a read or two, so what the hell. I'll take a crack at this.

This is very well written. I could visualize it all in my head. Pacing was spot on for the most part, although it was a bit odd that the women discovered they were going to see the same person off screen. Not a big deal though.

I didn't find this particularly funny, but I'm sure that's just me. I've got an odd since of humor.

This was a cute tale, though. And I did get a chuckle from the last line. Good work. :)

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack Comedy usually isn't my thing, but I owe you a read or two, so what the hell. I'll take a crack at this. This is very well written. I could visualize it all in my head. Pacing was spot on for the most part, although it was a bit odd that the women discovered they were going to see the same person off screen. Not a big deal though. I didn't find this particularly funny, but I'm sure that's just me. I've got an odd since of humor. This was a cute tale, though. And I did get a chuckle from the last line. Good work. :) ~Zack~

Thanks for the read and taking time to comment, Zack - much appreciated

Hi Dave,

This was good, well written, good characterizations. i liked the use of words 'smacks gum' as he resets the cab’s fare meter' gave me a quick precise image.

I do agree that it felt a little jarring that the father revelation was off screen, personally it would have flowed better for me if they were in the car revealing this and we got to see their reactions.

Well done with the last line. Nice job....

Quoted from Kirsten Hi Dave, This was good, well written, good characterizations. i liked the use of words 'smacks gum' as he resets the cab’s fare meter' gave me a quick precise image. I do agree that it felt a little jarring that the father revelation was off screen, personally it would have flowed better for me if they were in the car revealing this and we got to see their reactions. Well done with the last line. Nice job....

Thanks, Kirsten - appreciated.

Dave,
I read the script....absolutely funny and real. (including the Holland tunnel part. I'm from NJ). The dialogue is extremely natural....this is how a hooker and a nun would talk.
Did anybody option it?
All my best,
Fausto

Hey, Dave.

I thought that the reveal was great. The last line was particularly good.

I had a problem with the hooker saying "I'm a hooker". Maybe if she could reveal it in other words. "What do you do? Men. For money" This way is too much either. But would a hooker call herself a hooker - I don't know about that. Kind of thinking she won't.

Quoted from Fausto Dave, I read the script....absolutely funny and real. (including the Holland tunnel part. I'm from NJ). The dialogue is extremely natural....this is how a hooker and a nun would talk. Did anybody option it? All my best, Fausto

Thanks, Fausto. No - no option - just now posted

Quoted from khamanna Hey, Dave. I thought that the reveal was great. The last line was particularly good. I had a problem with the hooker saying "I'm a hooker". Maybe if she could reveal it in other words. "What do you do? Men. For money" This way is too much either. But would a hooker call herself a hooker - I don't know about that. Kind of thinking she won't.

Thanks for the read and notes - appreciated. I like your note - food for thought.

Dave,

Good job here. A fun little short, organic dialogue - Max The Cab Driver added a few nice one-liners to keep the tone right where it should be. Good description, well placed action. There's a lot to like here. Few typos here and there - you'll catch them if you run over this again. Not much else to say. Enjoyable read!

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dave, Good job here. A fun little short, organic dialogue - Max The Cab Driver added a few nice one-liners to keep the tone right where it should be. Good description, well placed action. There's a lot to like here. Few typos here and there - you'll catch them if you run over this again. Not much else to say. Enjoyable read! Steve

Thanks, Steve - I appreciate the read and comments

Just signed an option for this. Should be completed by the end of the year.

My first short option where I am giving up future rights to the scripts (assuming they get it done of course).

Dave

This was an amusing read, got some laughs out of it. I particularly liked when Theresa (how perfect of a nun name is that?) talked about Vatican 2. This was news to me as well. Also, Max’s interjections provided some good comedy.

I suspect others saw the twist coming, I didn’t, so in that respect it worked rather nicely.

Also, and I assume this wasn’t your intention as you’re mainly going for amusement here but I felt a certain sadness around these two characters. Kimberley’s blasé talk about her profession felt like an act, putting on a brave face, affecting that carefree “I love to fuck so I may as well get paid for it” attitude that screams just that, an affectation to hide her pain. Especially when she said how she hated men. I mean, how horrible would your job be if it required you to be intimate with something you hated? That was a glimpse into, perhaps, a damaging, traumatic past...or maybe I’m projecting my own assumptions onto women who go into that trade. Some do it for the reasons Kimberley expressed for others it’s altogether more complicated.  Either way, on the basis of what Theresa’s dad is paying her, she’s at least getting well compensated financially. 8)

Another line that gave me that pang of “Oh, poor girl” is when she says how she doesn’t usually share a taxi with anyone. Again, I could be reading way too much into it but this tells me Kimberley is very lonely, eluded to via a seemingly throwaway remark...or not.

In terms of Theresa, and this is more to do with my distrust of organised religion but anyone who would want to be a nun in a modern, first world country probably feels very alienated and at odds with people and their environment. It suggests repression, fear and an inability to engage with today’s society. Or not, she is a true believer who wants to do good, simple as that. She could feel more in tune with who she is than most of us.

However, even though she puts up a tough demeanour by suggesting they confront her dad together it’s got to be very embarrassing for her. Who knows, maybe he was a factor that contributed to her decision in entering the nunhood? The nunnery? I dunno.  

Again, I’m projecting the shit of it here and you’re probably saying “Jesus, man, I wrote it for a laugh and here you are getting all serious on me, lighten up” and you’d be right. This was just another angle I got from the script. It’s that fine line between humour and tragedy. A few tweaks here and there and this is a hard hitting drama, a scathing indictment of our culture, gender relations, modernity, abuse, sexuality...the list goes on ;)

Col.

Thanks for the read, mate.

Towards your thoughts:

This was in fact originally written as a drama for the OWC challenge that required all characters to be females (in that one, MAX the taxi driver was a female).

I was not entirely happy with that so wrote a different short for the OWC ("Meeting The Other Woman"_ - also a drama. After the competition I decided to go back to this one and try it as a light comedy - which I liked.

A very long winded way of saying is that I am kind of glad you found a potential dramatic angle to it as that was how it was originally birthed.

Too lazy to get to it right now, but have also thought of it as a potential theme for a dramady based series (a Nun, excommunicated for publicly protesting for woman priests forced to share an apartment with a paroled hooker struggling to stay on the straight and narrow). Started it then thought it was too odd couple-ish. May revisit.

Again - thanks for your thoughts.

Quoted from eldave1 A very long winded way of saying is that I am kind of glad you found a potential dramatic angle to it as that was how it was originally birthed.

-Ok, cool, I wasn't too far off then.

Quoted from eldave1 Too lazy to get to it right now, but have also thought of it as a potential theme for a dramady based series (a Nun, excommunicated for publicly protesting for woman priests forced to share an apartment with a paroled hooker struggling to stay on the straight and narrow). Started it then thought it was too odd couple-ish. May revisit.

- Ha, that does sound very Sitcom 101 alright. Which is what you want when creating one. Whatever about playing around with film formula, sitcom parameters appear to be even more restrictive.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Ha, that does sound very Sitcom 101 alright. Which is what you want when creating one. Whatever about playing around with film formula, sitcom parameters appear to be even more restrictive.

If the Odd Couple hadn't already been made - I would have a go at it.

Neil Simon classic... Don't think it could be same without Lemmon and Matthau.

Quoted from HyperMatt Neil Simon classic... Don't think it could be same without Lemmon and Matthau.

yup

I read NUN TOO SOON and enjoyed it!  The idea of sticking a nun and hooker together in an Uber is great idea -- and I also liked the interaction with the driver.  Not only is the premise excellent, but the writer delivered in his execution.  The descriptions are spot on and the dialogue is snappy and moves the scene/story right along.  Very nice job!

Quoted from LarryP I read NUN TOO SOON and enjoyed it!  The idea of sticking a nun and hooker together in an Uber is great idea -- and I also liked the interaction with the driver.  Not only is the premise excellent, but the writer delivered in his execution.  The descriptions are spot on and the dialogue is snappy and moves the scene/story right along.  Very nice job!

Thanks, Larry - glad you enjoyed it.

Wait, is this the short version of the feature I just read? I assume so -- I like to write shorts with intentions of making it feature length, too. If the short's produced, you can always use it as a proof of concept. I haven't checked this out yet, but I'll definitely give it a read -- it kinda gives me a glimpse of your process a little bit RE: Nun the Wiser.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Wait, is this the short version of the feature I just read? I assume so -- I like to write shorts with intentions of making it feature length, too. If the short's produced, you can always use it as a proof of concept. I haven't checked this out yet, but I'll definitely give it a read -- it kinda gives me a glimpse of your process a little bit RE: Nun the Wiser. -- Michael

Yes - this is the short that the feature is based on.

Hi Dave

Very well written (as all your work is). A good story with a "surprise" ending    

Quoted from BarryJohn Hi Dave Very well written (as all your work is). A good story with a "surprise" ending

Thanks!

Dave, very nice but I didn't get what Theresa said that he's going to pay but not get the service. He'll come downstairs and pay and then see his daughter - that's how he won't get the service, is that right?

Other than that this was amusing.

Quoted from khamanna Dave, very nice but I didn't get what Theresa said that he's going to pay but not get the service. He'll come downstairs and pay and then see his daughter - that's how he won't get the service, is that right? Other than that this was amusing.

Kham - he's going to pay by buying them both an expensive dinner

Glad you liked it.