Hoard by Rob Rock - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A troubled teenager goes on a journey of self-discovery after finding evidence of an extraterrestrial coverup in a hoarder’s house. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Rob

Took a read, a few thoughts...
1) I liked the idea of the hoarded stuff revealing a secret, that's a clever plot device.
2) Wasn;t convinced by the church based bit but it may be important in future episodes.
3) When you introduce characters for the first time (at least in features) you CAP their name, so Ben Gossage,16, would be BEN GOSSAGE, 16
4) In the dialogue there's a couple of sentences that I don't think ring true, e.g. You’ve never been
touched like this before, and go, be productive... have a look through and may speak the dialogue out loud.
5) On page 7 I think you get Ben and Mark mixed up, e.g. BEN
It's a lot of stuff.
(turning to back seat)
Isn't it Ben?
6) Was a little disappointed that the alien was your standard grey, was hoping for something more inventive.
7) Did you mean for Pete's dialogue to be VO in the lab scene? VO normally denotes a character narrating but he seems to be talking to Lillith... is it a telepathic bond?
8) If the mysterious visitors were regularly keeping an eye on Pete why didn't they know about his fall?
9) I know it's intended as a series... but, the end feels abrupt and not really an ending...

I did quite like this though, I wanted to know where you are taking the story... good job.