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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Drama Scripts / The Emissary
Posted by: Don, April 9th, 2017, 1:15pm
The Emissary by Ronald Pergola - Drama, Romance, Fantasy - A beautiful, mysterious, spiritual visitor ensures a distraught widower is properly aligned with his true soulmate prior to his demise. 95 pages - pdf, format
contest: Scriptapalooza Feature Semi-Finalist 2017
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: DanielW, September 1st, 2017, 6:32am; Reply: 1
I recommend this enjoyable read. I did not see the twist coming.
Posted by: JakeJon, September 1st, 2017, 3:39pm; Reply: 2
Daniel,
Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.
I see you're new to SS posting.
If you've written something, reply and I'll give it a read.
Thanks again,
Ron ( JakeJon)
Posted by: DanielW, September 1st, 2017, 6:14pm; Reply: 3
Good morning Ron, (Sorry! It's good evening in the US)
WHITE KNIGHT BLACK BISHOP (85 pages).
Just a back story on the above script. We all know how hard it is to get a script past the gatekeepers of Hollywood and Co. I decided to change up tactics and hunt down an actor on the fringe. I looked at the cast of Django Unchained - A Tarantino film. If you've seen the movie you'll know 'Big Fred'.
I sent him the above script and thought he would never get it.
2 weeks later, he emailed me, saying he loves the script. He gave me his phone number and I rang him, and had a 10 minute conversation with him. I couldn't believe it.
He lives in New Orleans and said he'll hand it to a few producers, but I've never heard anything back.
Cheers,
Daniel
Posted by: JakeJon, September 1st, 2017, 8:01pm; Reply: 4
Daniel,
Wow! The producer doors are the tough ones to break down. Good luck!
Ron
Posted by: eldave1, September 2nd, 2017, 12:25pm; Reply: 5
Hey, bud - bouncing around the site this morning while having my coffee - took a look at the opening page
Quoted Text EXT. NORTHERN NEW JERSEY TOWN - BUSINESS CENTER - NIGHT
Very dark. Very early morning.
Eerie.
The business center of upscale Saddle River is dead quiet, totally devoid of people. All businesses are closed.
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Over cooked a bit I think. 'Very" twice and dark several times. A lot of space used that could be incorporated into the slug. Something like:
EXT. CITY OF SADDLE RIVER, NEW JERSEY - BUSINESS CENTER - NIGHT
Dark and eerily quiet - like an urban ghost town. No people. All businesses closed.
Not that exactly - but the point being you could be more efficient.
Quoted Text Shannon BMW, the prominent business of the town center, occupies one entire block.
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Same issue - if it occupies a block, we know it's prominent. e.g., all you need is:
A BMW DEALERSHIP occupies an entire block of the center....
Quoted Text An expensive, tinted windowed, sports car escapes through the opening.
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Why not just label the sports car as a BMW from the get go? i.e., use the description that follows in the next scene here instead of there. e.g.,
The sleek black BMW sports with tinted windows escapes through the
opening.
Quoted Text INT. STATE TROOPER’S CRUISER - NIGHT
Parked, in wait, off the highway, a State Trooper unwraps his breakfast. His radar screen pulses normally, anxious to report.
A whirling, misty, black blur passes the trooper’s vehicle. The screen pulses: no lights, no sounds, no change. The trooper looks up; looks out. His gaze returns to the screen.
He calmly bites into his early morning breakfast sandwich, unfazed.
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I think your scene heading needs to be something like:
INT/EXT. HIGHWAY/STATE TROOPER’S CRUISER - (PARKED) NIGHT
Because the action in the scene takes place inside and outside the car.
Quoted Text Parked, in wait, off the highway, a State Trooper unwraps his breakfast. His radar screen pulses normally, anxious to report.
|
I think you need to CAP STATE TROOPER.
Okay - these are just nitty issues that came to mind as I was reading the first several pages and wanted to jot them down. I can of dig your style and if I weren't being an anal script reader wouldn't have paid any attention to the above - i.e., they wouldn't disturb someone's read of the script.
Posted by: eldave1, September 2nd, 2017, 1:14pm; Reply: 6
A few more nits as I read.
Quoted Text No toll booths |
Don't think you need to tell us what's not there.
Quoted Text In one hand he holds a small fold-open frame with a picture of his beautiful wife, while in the other, a small bouquet of flowers.
He speaks to the stone. Between sentences he chugs from a bottle of bourbon resting between his thighs; pitiable.
|
Had a hard time imagining both hands filled and also chugging bourbon. I would lose picture - it's a bit of an odd thing to take and we kind of know it is a girl he loves from the dialogue after.
Quoted Text Another huge chug. He rises and then prostrates himself over the grave arms spread.
|
Didn't like this - it took me out of what was otherwise a poignant moment you wrote. It jsut seemed to unnatural an action.
Quoted Text With bottle in hand, he turns towards an old RED pick-up truck across the road.
He wobbles slowly to his ride.
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Another example where you could be more efficient. Happens in several places. the above could be:
With bottle in hand, he slowly wobbles turns towards an old RED pick-up
truck across the road.
Quoted Text It begins to snow.
EXT. WOODED NORTH COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT The snowfall dances across the shining headlight of Byron’s old, severely damaged, pick-up truck. The vehicle faces the forest, see-saw teetering, over a snow covered tree limb.
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It begins to snow and moments later the limb is snow covered??? Too fast. I would either put snow on the ground at the cemetery (he could wipe it off the headstone) or have it snowing when he is there. But you have to fix the logic issue.
Quoted Text UNCONSCIOUS, his hands choke the steering wheel.
|
Didn't buy this - i.e., out but choking a steering wheel
Quoted Text Across the road, facing in the opposite direction, an expensive black sports car rests, unattended, collecting snow. |
Don't get why your are just not referring to this is the black BMW - it's the same car - yes?
Quoted Text INT. SPORTS CAR - NIGHT |
Again - the BMW - yes?
Again - just nitty issues - nothing major
Posted by: JakeJon, September 3rd, 2017, 9:36am; Reply: 7
Dave,
Thanks for the review. Great feedback. All well appreciated. Every nit is totally " spot on".
I have a problem with efficiency. I tend to overwrite. Guilty in the past and guilty now. For some reason I write it as I see it or feel it. Sometimes just trying to be cute. Dangerous! Your suggestions will be considered.
If you're still here:
Quoted Text
INT. STATE TROOPER’S CRUISER - NIGHT
Parked, in wait, off the highway, a State Trooper unwraps his
breakfast. His radar screen pulses normally, anxious to
report.
A whirling, misty, black blur passes the trooper’s vehicle.
The screen pulses: no lights, no sounds, no change.
The trooper looks up; looks out. His gaze returns to the
screen.
He calmly bites into his early morning breakfast sandwich,
unfazed.
Change slug to INT/EXT ? Maybe. POV was my problem here. I had the trooper seeing the misty, black, blur through his window. I was actually trying to be efficient here. One less camera change.
AND THE SNOW: It begins to snow and moments later the limb is covered with snow.
It begins to snow as he's leaving the cemetery. The Gorge ain't exactly around the corner.
You So. CA boys & girls don't understand northeast snow, esp. the Adirondacks.
Just kidding. Thanks again for the read and advice.
JJ
Posted by: eldave1, September 3rd, 2017, 10:39am; Reply: 8
Quoted Text Dave, Thanks for the review. Great feedback. All well appreciated. Every nit is totally " spot on".
|
My pleasure - glad some of it helped
Quoted Text I have a problem with efficiency. I tend to overwrite. Guilty in the past and guilty now. For some reason I write it as I see it or feel it. Sometimes just trying to be cute. Dangerous! Your suggestions will be considered. |
It is the easily the number one criticism of my writing - so I feel your pain.
Quoted Text Change slug to INT/EXT ? Maybe. POV was my problem here. I had the trooper seeing the misty, black, blur through his window. I was actually trying to be efficient here. One less camera change.
|
Not critical - I did understand what you wanted me to see.
Quoted Text AND THE SNOW: It begins to snow and moments later the limb is covered with snow. |
Ooops - you're right - we went from Day to Night anyway.
One item I forgot to mention was the scene at the bar. The dialogue there seemed a little forced/exposition laden. I know you got to get the background out but they are having some talk among themselves that they would already know. Thought it might help if you had a third party come in to take care of some of the exposition lifting. e.g., maybe a haggard snow covered tow truck driver comes in for coffee. Maise asks him how's it going out there - he provides all the details on the roads shut down - the gorge, etc. etc.
Best of luck with this - it does have a great vibe to it
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