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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Thriller Scripts  /  Unwelcome
Posted by: Don, April 9th, 2017, 1:18pm
Unwelcome by Julien Blaecke - Short, Thriller - A very skilled blind man is confronted to an intruder pretending that the blind man is the one to intrude. 17 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Warren, August 2nd, 2017, 7:47pm; Reply: 1
Hi,

That was a long 15 pages. Lots of awkward writing, I'm thinking English isn't your first language.

Dialogue is on the nose.

Its kind of over formatted with all the constant fading in and out. Its not technically incorrect but it blows out the page count and stilts the read.

The setup about a blind guy that is very intuitive was okay and then it just went sideways.

SPOILER

The quote below pretty much sums it up for me, I just cringed.


Quoted Text
A HOARSE WHISPER
Alright. You got me. Iím a demon.
Maybe not the most powerful one,
but still I can do terrible things.
MR HALEY
What? But how did you --
A HOARSE WHISPER
Oh, a bunch of retarded satanists
next door summoned me two days ago.
Nothing too fancy actually.


Sorry but this one wasn't for me.

You can work on you writing ability by reading more scripts and articles on screenwriting.

Good luck with it.
Posted by: Michal, April 21st, 2019, 7:25am; Reply: 2
Hi,
I read the script and I have some conclusions. I really love the opening scene. The dialogue seems very natural which after the first scenes is getting worse. I don't think it is cringe as the guy above said but the last scene when demon explains who he is make no sense for me. Moreover I feel like the scene with old lady is useless. Why did u even give ur character superpowers?
I think u should rebuild plot and find better way to introduce demon and maybe connect it with the issue of blindness. It will make your character be more "touching" for readers. I saw that in many scenes you tried to show that even though he is blind he is special but maybe it should be something that make him weaker? Blind person who is tired of trying to show people that he is not disabled and worse?
I don't know if English is your first language, cause it is not mine first. But if it is true I know your struggle and hope to read next version of the script.
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