The Magician Of Peacock Springs by Baby Dill - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Thriller - A Nazi war criminal has unleashed the Apocalypse, and mankind's only hope resides within an eight-year-old girl who can stick spoons to her face. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Logline - a little confusing and perhaps mixing genres, but curious all the same

Now I've read it the magnetism is fit all metal - the logline just sounded like she does tricks with spoons

To be honest I found this a strange script that I didn't fully get.

Girl - why? Karl - why?

I think the girl is a curious one - I wonder what other stories she may fit ?

Strange tale, ‘Magneto Girl and the Nazi’. Well written and really funny at times. I’m getting a Project Paperclip vibe from this, wherein the US funneled several Nazi scientists, doctors, etc. into the states after WWII, via the Vatican Ratlines. This would definitely put Karl in a position to be where he is when the world was in disarray… just don the old uniform and get to doing what he does.

Their (3rd or 4th Reich) didn’t last a thousand years, it lasted five but, I would imagine it was the most fantastic five years of any Nazi’s life… “do what thou please with no consequences”. Karl. Perhaps believes this ‘Little Spoon Girl’ is his final salvation to resurrect the forces that once guided them (Nazi’s) towards a New World Order, some immutable force that was never destroyed, just put into a dark hole somewhere, awaiting a prodigy to awaken them once again. Not sure you planned on it going that deep or logical but, I had to dig that up cause I dig shit like that.

Surreal tale, I really enjoyed it. Well done.!

Hey writer,

It was confusing, really confusing. Also from a theme perspective, is the apocalypse happening? It seemed to be for a bit, but then it just roamed off on a completely separate tangent.

Writing wise. You've got this unique style, it's very unusual and quite broken, but it works. The descriptions and visualisations were clear, but it's the contents I didn't really get.

Anyway, maybe it'll click with some other people, just didn't work for me I'm afraid.

Cam

Sorry, but, I didn't enjoy this at all.  I don't understand what happened or why it happened.

And I'm sorry, but, a sawed-off shotgun doesn't just fire one bullet as you've written it.  They are messy guns.

Great idea, but, I didn't get it.

Dan

The logline makes this sound like a comedy. It gives the script a mixed message before you’ve started reading, which may give some people the wrong vibe.

Apart from that, I thought this was superb. A very original and different approach to the apocalypse. I love your writing style - the descriptions are lean yet poetic and vivid; full of atmosphere.

Your characterisations are excellent. Everyone seemed unique, with their own backstories, personal demons, hopes and dreams.

I see from the other comments that some readers don’t get this. It is a pity. When someone attempts to do something a bit different, it doesn’t always go down well as some simply don’t get it, but I did and I thought this was excellent.

Was Karl influenced by Josef Mengele, the so called Dark Angel of Auschwitz?

Regardless he was a very interesting character and represents all the hatred and dark aspirations of the Nazis regime. I can’t work out if he was the antichrist or one of the horsemen of the apocalypse (or something else) but he represented the dark side, be that the devil or some other force.

Cathy represented a higher power as well, God maybe. What makes this special is underneath these battling forces are real humans beings caught up in it all, searching for redemption.

I don’t have to understand exactly what the specifics are, I got the vibe and it was a great one.
My favourite so far!

-Mark

I'm guessing this is some sort of alternate reality tale, but even so having a Nazi appear after you appear to have set up an apocalyptic event triggered by solar flares threw me completely.

Am I supposed to assume that this Nazi has been hiding out, worked out how to control solar flares and unleashed an attack that starts on Israel? Or is he just celebrating the incident and happens to have a uniform lying around

If so what on earth is he doing in sleepytown USA?

And then the little girl is magnetic, and that's pertinent why?

Karl starts off speaking German, but when the story needs he speaks flawless English to the girl... and Bucky seems to remember his being on trial, but now he's escaped?

And then the end... nope lost me ;-)

This feels like some weird sequel to Iron Sky with a completely different story about a magnetic girl bolted onto it. A different approach is good, but for me there still has to be some internal logic to the story and for me this has none.

It might work better as separate stories, as it is it's as mad as a bag of frogs! And there's some fun in that...

I found myself liking this one as I read through it, but then the Nazi guy seemed to add a bit of confusion to the mix, because it wasn't clear to me if he was involved with the solar flares or if he was some sort of satanic figure. How and why did he disintegrate into ash?  Why didn't everyone die from the solar flares, i.e., why did Bucky and his sister survive, but not the others? Where does she get the metallic force from?  I mean, it's all very interesting and it's definitely well-written. Just too many questions at the end of it all for me.

Still, very good effort.
Best,
Gary

Opening line is very poor, as it doesn't mean anything, nor can it be visualized.

WTF?  Magnet Girl with a frickin' toaster on her shoulder?

And now a German speaking in German.  I personally appreciate when writers take the time to show characters of a different ethnicity and using real foreign language is great.

BUT...WTF is going on here?

Ummm, if Karl speaks fluent German, wouldn't he have an accent while speaking in English?  Nothing wrong with using an occasional wrylie to show how a character sounds.

I'm very confused.  Who is Karl supposed to be and why in the world is he in Peacock Springs, OH?

"Karl points a finger at Bucky, whose arm catches fire. He drops down to one knee, and levels the gun at Karl." - Here's a great example of why it's important to break up passages properly and why, when you don't, things get confusing.  Notice in the first sentence, Karl is the subject.  In the next sentence, "He" is the subject, but here, "He" refers to Bucky.  Break this up - 2 separate passages and be clear who "He" is when you use such words.

Shotguns do not fire a bullet, so this entire scene is fucked.

I have absolutely no clue what this is supposed to mean or why anything that happened happened,a dn that's never a good sign.  It shows promise, but this makes zero sense.

Grade 1.5

A toaster on her shoulder... that me laugh don't know if I was suppose to

I see Bucky asked the same question lol

Well that was unique! I think I missed how the Nazi ended up in Ohio.
So the Nazi was a magician who could make things burst into flames, the young girl would have metal objects attach to herself... not exactly polar opposite as they seemed to play off each other. Sorry if i missed that.

It was well written and easy to read. The story itself was a tad confusing but it was different and Ill give you that.

Good job on entering

Ok, that first scene with her full of metal objects is just hilarious. Very somber, moody, and the dad is just sticking stuff to his daughter for no reason and sends her out into the fields. Why? He doesn't even know why!  It's just so absurd and I don't know if that is your intention or not yet. If so, mission accomplished. If not, uh oh.

Wait, then he kills himself? Just like that? This must be a dark comedy.

So a solar storm killed some people but not others? Questions are fine as long as you answer them.

"What he notices next prompts him to take cover behind a nearby tree." What does he see? Why not just say he is startled, shocked etc and takes cover?

1979 and we see Nazi's?

Ok, so Karl, Bucky and Cathy all meet in the city street? Bucky sees a random old nazi and his first instinct is to hide. Cathy just shows up cause she's been running or weighed down by spoons? And the nazi is just there saluting for no reason? WTF?

Then they head to a seemingly random farm and crazy Nazi Karl just magically appears next to toaster girl. Did he teleport? Again, du fuq???

A horse bursts into flames as they drive by?

Damn! Now Bucky teleports to catch up with the car outta the blue?

Then Karl is killed by a knife that I guess flies out from Cathy? The whole story metal keeps attaching to her but now the knife is the only object that can detach? It kills the Nazi and everybody weeps for him as he dies all the sudden? As he burns into ash?

This is the craziest script I've read so far of the bunch, and I read the one with the giant mutated bees. Nothing here makes sense, is explained, or is based in reality. Random things just happen without rhyme and reason. Dead people in a car. Escaped Nazi war criminals with magical powers who befriends a toaster girl? A deadly solar storm. Teleporting characters. Spoons. It's just too much.

Sorry. I really have no idea what I just read. lol

I like the title.  Interesting logline - feels a bit jokey for a thriller/drama but I’m intrigued as to how a little girl who can stick spoons to her face can defeat a Nazi war criminal.

Nicely written - brevity coupled with strong visuals.

Odd story, yet kind of engaging in places.  Almost like if Wes Anderson did superheroes...  I do wonder how this would play on-screen.  It’s billed as thriller/drama but It almost felt tongue in cheek.  Little girls clanking around covered in cutlery and toasters… Genocidal Nazi’s goose-stepping though rural Ohio (coincidence that they happened to be in the same place...too much for me personally).

I found it amusing in an offbeat kind of way.  Hopefully that’s not an insult to the writer.  Interested to see who was behind this one and what the intention was.

Even stranger, there is no Peacock Springs in OH, which really leaves me scratching my head.

I like weird but that was too F-ing weird for me. Almost nonsensical. Please oh please give some explanation when the week is over. Did I miss something? There was definitely a direction you wanted to go but I just missed it.

You created an atmosphere here but overall I dont know what its about.
Thescenes read random although every scene was good standing separately. But didn't add up at the end. Maybe I missed something. I very often do.  

One thing - and I always do it after I'm done - get rid of repetitions like No, no. Just one "no" reads better I think.

Wow, surreal little script. Well written but it seems to have gotten out of the control of the author as there was all this different stuff going on lol.

Was the Stephen King novella Apt Pupil a vague influence here?  The spoon thing is pretty cool as a result of the solar flares (I had planned to use them as the cause of the apocalypse in mine but didn't lol) and I guess the girl is some type of spiritual figure.

Look forward to the writer's explanations!  

I don't care that there's not a Peacock Springs in Ohio. I'm guessing this is probably fiction.
How do I know the once thriving small town exhausted it’s funds?
But I do want an explanation for why there is a Nazi in this fictional town.
“…parades a perfectly timed death march” I’m having trouble picturing that. What’s going on?
A little inconsistency on Cathy’s magnetic qualities. Why doesn’t she stick to the car?
Bucky shoots the shotgun and a bullet comes out. I would think buckshot would hit both Cathy and Karl.
I’m not sure how we’re going to be able to tell the difference between the bullet changing course and Bucky just being a bad shot. I suppose camera angle would take care of that.
Why does the bullet striking Cathy cause all the metal on her body to fly off of?
Is Bucky wounded from all that metal flying around too?
Why does Cathy have sympathy for Karl?
I was ready for a comedy when I learned about the toaster on Cathy’s shoulder. The comedy didn’t happen.
By the end of the story it was unclear to me why a lot of things happened.
I really kind of liked it. I just need clarification on a number of things.

Page 8, aaaand I'm out.

Sorry; nothing but non-sequiturs and boredom since page one.

OMG weirdness in a title and a logline. I LUV it. :) A girl that can stick spoons to her face??? WTF like this. :)

Some really great writing on display here. Crazy story. Cool but weird characters. We have relationships!

I am just a bit confused at the ending.

Still one of my favorite scripts this go around. :) GREAT job.

P4 lots of characters so far and scenes are not connected in an understandable way yet

Death march all alone??
Possibly you mean goose step/lockstep marching…

P6 Up to now, this still reads as a row of erratic scenarios.

Okaaay,

I completely haven't understood the suicide of Papa. Secondly: Why did Bucky visit the house of a girl named Emily? That simply irritates if it has no further meaning for the story. Lastly, where did Karl come from (hell) and why he and Cathy got those abilities? In this regard the good vs evil concept just isn't 100% developed.

Especially, the scene when Bucky visits Emily needs to get cut completely IMO.

Fanciful story. There is also some gripping action in your climax. However, the script, as a whole picture, is slightly irritating. There are too many individual pieces that don't fit together by now. Still, an ambitious effort and surely a solid piece of work for one week.

I'm pretty sure a spoon wouldn't keep a bullet to the head from killing an 8 year old. Unless she's got super powers beyond being a magnet.

This started really promising. It had some interesting ideas and seemed to have good pace. I thought it knew what it was doing, but those ideas just didn't connect. It's like I watched the last scene of a movie that started two hours ago.

A lot of promise, but underdeveloped.

The Magician Of Peacock Springs - Apocalypse, Drama, Thriller - A Nazi war criminal has unleashed the Apocalypse, and mankind's only hope resides within an eight-year-old girl who can stick spoons to her face.  

Rating: 3
Thoughts: I don't know why but this made me laugh.  It was just so unexpected.  I'm not saying it's the most sensical idea of the bunch.  But it's definitely one of the most original.


TITLE: Magician of Peacock Springs

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 1

Story - 2

Ending - 1

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 1

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 1

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 2

Total: 1.7