Lost Apocrypha by My Name Here - Short, Apocalypse, Horror - The Roanoke Colony wasn't lost, it was recalled. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Writer,

It's well written, dramatic and there's definitely a fairly major reference to the apocalypse there. I'm not going to lie, this kinda old worldly magic/theological stuff isn't really my bag, and so it wasn't really for myself.

Now, that's my opinions and taste, and by no means a slant at your work. Some people will really like this, I reckon, and I can't deny that it is well written and constructed. You've done a really good job on the visuals and it reads well.

You've built a good short here, it's just not really my taste.

Cam

Well this one was pretty cool. Pretty fuckin' weird, but I like weird. :)

Really interesting tale. Not sure I fully understood what was happening, but I definitely appreciated the wild imagery you provided. Some really cool action, I really liked when all the beasts came out of the church. Would work really well on screen.

Very well written for the most part. I never got bored and was able to read straight through, so kudos there.

I actually liked the ending a lot. Tied it all together with the myth of the Roanoke Colony. Creepy stuff.

Really like your logline, but I'm not too sure about the title.

~Zack~

I like when perps use historical stuff in their scripts especially when the research is good.

This started pretty well and was cruising along. Things went full on near the end. The period dialogue and setting was done well. The ending was a bit jumbled and perhaps hurried.  Pretty good work for this OWC.

One point: not sure how Lilith could be described as being 'vivacious' when she has 'beady bloodshot eyes' at 20 years of age lol!

An interesting take on the fate of the Roanoke colony.  Original setting, good period detail and dialogue that seemed mostly true to the period.  

I think more tension could have been milked from the group transformation scene.  It may have been more effective to reveal that secret all at once, rather than Rebecca only transforming first.  Kinda blew the big reveal there.

Could've done without the dialogue between Dark Lord and Powhattan.  Seems like the Indians would be way more terrified if they saw something like that.

Title is unusual, but strangely fitting here.  Overall, a good job.

Well written.  Just seemed to die at the end. (no pun intended) The beasts die too easy.  The end was not so great.

Good job though

It started so well then it took a left at Whatthefuck town.

The dialogue was great up until "It is time, Rebecca.  Reveal your true self."

After that it was expositional and lost its flair.

I'm not sure why the indigenous people always sound like, "Howgh, white man.  Me Chief Talkumstrange.  Me talk um...strange for no reason."

The Dark Lord at the end seemed like a Deus Ex Machina, literally and figuratively.  He came out of left field and just wrapped the story up in a nice bow.  Short on time?  Write yourself into a corner?  Who knows.

Jordan

I disagree with Jordan.  I don't think the Dark one

SPOILERS

I don't think the Dark One comes out of left field at all.  They pray to him, invoke him, discuss how to appease him.  So, only by pissing him off does he appear....

I wish you hadn't made him "devil-like" but, instead made him more Cthulu-like.  Or some other version of ancient text that's forgotten, or denied by the church.  

I wonder if Dena wrote this?  It has that flare that her last story had.  All I can say, is if Dena did write this, I could easily see this getting made into a movie.

Best one I've read so far.  

Dan

Hi, writer

That's a very interesting short, a lot of imagination went in there. Nice imagery, I liked it.
And I liked the story.

When Dark Lord appeared it changed into comedy to me. He smacks Stryker there - I dont' know. Maybe it's the way it's written.

I'm actually thinking you might squeeze more out of the idea, single out someone in the group of badies and make him their enemy or something. Otherwise it's a story of a bad group and that makes me care less.

I'm thinking you could cut some of the talk at the beginning. Readers are not atttentive at the beginning and you conveyed a lot of info to us through his talk right away. I think you might do it later when we are eager to know what happens to Rebecca and all. Rebecca's fate got me interested, her father should revenge, I tihnk.

Hi writer,

Great concept on the theme, you nailed the atmosphere and flavour of the times. I feel this was based loosely on the ‘Before Apocalypse” concept, meaning none actually took place; quelled by the Dark Lord himself.

None the less, a well contained short for the theme at hand. Not familiar with the ‘The Roanoke Colony’, if it was a real colony or nor but, I like how you’ve dressed this flock of demonic beings in sheep’s clothing and, used the commonwealth of the church to harbour their lair. Well drawn out idea that made for a good read. Well done. All the best.

Quoted from Gum Hi writer, Great concept on the theme, you nailed the atmosphere and flavour of the times. I feel this was based loosely on the ‘Before Apocalypse” concept, meaning none actually took place; quelled by the Dark Lord himself. None the less, a well contained short for the theme at hand. Not familiar with the ‘The Roanoke Colony’, if it was a real colony or nor but, I like how you’ve dressed this flock of demonic beings in sheep’s clothing and, used the commonwealth of the church to harbour their lair. Well drawn out idea that made for a good read. Well done. All the best.

As far as I know, they were a real colony that just vanished one night.  And I think they found one word etched on a tree which was Croatia.  No one knows what happened to them or what the word means.

Quoted from DanC As far as I know, they were a real colony that just vanished one night.  And I think they found one word etched on a tree which was Croatia.  No one knows what happened to them or what the word means.

If my history is correct, a resupply ship arrived at Roanoke Island to find the colony abandoned.  "CROATOAN" was carved into a fence post.  That's the name of a nearby island but also the name of a local Indian tribe.  No one knows for certain what became of the colonists, but the most common theory was that they simply left for a better location or were slaughtered by the Indians.

I liked the period detail in this and wondered where it was going... but I was hoping for something else... the move into demonology just didn't fly for me...

Well written though and a fun spin on the challenge.

I think this works very well.  Flows smoothly. Has a couple of nice twists.
I did think Stryker was a bit wordy at the beginning but we got through the exposition pretty quickly and efficiently.
Very nice work.
This is one of my top two

Here, I simply couldn't identify with the story. I'm sorry for that - it just wasn't my topic. The huge amount of characters and their whole mystic church talk left me cold. Don't take it personal, my critique here is merely based on what stories I like. The script is well executed and its presentation is absolutely tidy. I just couldn't connect to the plot.

This starts very slowly for me,and I'm not getting any real visuals for this old place.

Stryker's words go on too long.

Just starting page 3 but I feel like I've read 5 already.  Very dense, but for me, not much really being said...or shown, as this into scene is very stagnant.

Hmm, quite a tonal shift here and then pure mayhem...which I appreciate, but for some reason, it's just not working that well here.  I really don't know why, as the writing seems to be pretty good, very few mistakes and very unique.

I don't like the last speech from the chief, nor do I really like where this went, but it is creative and well put together and well thought through.

Score - 3.5.

I found it difficult to connect with this. It started off interesting. I like the period setting and how you've taken one of the great mysteries and tried to explain it. Some nice writing, easy to follow.

It just seemed to become more comical as it went along. It's like when Wieclaw desperately tries to get them to sacrifice her 12 year old daughter. It went very Monty Python for me. When Stryker says no she pleads, "Please, Father, it's worth a try." That actually made me chuckle.

Then it went very left field and yet these spawns of hell were easily dispatched by simple arrows?

When the Dark Lord emerged the dialogue went all stage play, which just seemed to make it all the more like a comedy. I could just imagine John Cleese playing Satan and saying, "Look you, I'll do the Apocalypse when I'm good and ready, got it??"

Which I'm sure was not your intention, but that's how it came across to me. So sorry, not my cup of apocalypse. I can see others loved it, just goes to show how opinions can radically differ on every script.  

-Mark

i love that logline.  it was the one that intrigued me most when the thread first went up.

It didn't go where i thought it would, and was teetering on boring with the church stuff, but ramped up pretty well.

I bought all the dialogue, it seemed authentic, but it dragged early.  

Is this technically an apocolyptic script if there is no apocolypse? eh, I'll let others decide.  

I won't say it's my favorite story, but it's well written and solid enough.

1 - "an old growth forest of the New World" - Nice.

Really enjoyed this. I don't have much to say about it, actually. It's original, it's fun, and it hits all the right notes. I was a little disappointed when the Dark Lord showed up so quickly, but only because I wanted to see the battle play out.

Could add some foreshadowing for the idea of bringing on the apocalypse and whose right that is, etc. I guess I think the universe rules could be a bit clearer, even while retaining the necessary ambiguity.

Two thumbs up from me.

History lesson. Nice. Here we go. :)

Normally, that prayer would be considered too long, but it works for me.

Quoted Text It's all his fault!

Doesn't read like authentic period English.

Quoted Text Tis all his fault!

Quoted Text Pick me[,] Father!

If this is THE Chief Powhatan (father of Pocahontas), he was born June 17, 1545, which would make him 44 in 1589, not 50.

Hell, the place, is usually capitalized.

Nice take on pre-American history. Engaging story. I'd say it qualifies as an apocalypse, albeit one from history, which is probably even cooler.

I got a tad confused when they transformed into beasts, but other than that, no real problems.

Superb job.  :)

Out of the gate, I am in LOVE with this concept.

Wow the best writing on display here. Great job.

Super great job Writer!

Logline intrigues…

Starts off alright - like the change of scenery and period.  Not sure how an apocalypse works into this but we’ll see.  Interesting idea but the dialogue felt out of step with the period in places which doesn’t help carry the set-up.  I appreciate the alternative history take on the lost colony (maybe one to come back to..?) but I couldn’t really connect to the story here.  Seems like an overreaction to bring about the end the world because of conflict with a local tribe.  Why move all the way out to the New World to avoid persecution if you had that power to start with?  Probably over-thinking it…  Entertaining read with plenty of action but the whole lurch to demonic beasts just isn’t for me.

Writer,

Written well and all, and I was able to see what you wanted me to, but the actual story didn't do much for me. I just found it hard to relate to the characters, as it was basically only Stryker who was featured, and I couldnt figure out why he was saying or doing what he was. I mean, I get it, I guess - it's just I found it hard to relate to this due to the lack of characterization. I felt nothing for either antagonist or protagonist, and it ended on a note that just doesn't satisfy. Good effort, though.

Steve

Logline - alas this one has gone over my head in terms of what it means, let's see...

Well that's a scene and a half.

I'm assuming that the deserted village is a true story, so the story is set around that.

I almost giggled at the chief at the end....we know nothing, time to move folks

I think others have got more out of this than me, can't say I was too drawn into it and the dark lord was a bit left field, or to take nomads words... whatthefucktown ... I somewhat agree.

This was a well written and interesting take on the subject. The dialogue was pretty good throughout, although it did seem too modern in parts and could use a little tweaking to make it more authentic.

I didn’t mind the tonal shift, but the ending felt really rushed after the slow start.

One thing I didn’t like was the Dark Lord’s dialogue - it was all too expositional and hokey. In your re-write it might be worth trying to cut his dialogue completely, or just keep it to a few minimal but powerful statements.

I'm torn on this one because it is very creative and well-written. But I didn't feel invested enough to go along with all the fantasy elements.

You've gotta give me some human elements to care about. I know it's tough cuz of all the exposition needed at the beginning. But the roundabout debates of "sacrifice vs. conversion" and "who should be converted" never opens up anything character-wise. It just introduces a whole bunch of people for a few seconds without getting to know any of them. Then the battle's suddenly upon us, the Dark Lord appearing, and I still have no one to care about.

I'd focus more attention on Rebecca (and not kill her off so quickly). Work in as much character stuff as you possibly can for her. Maybe her mother and father are there begging her not to offer herself as sacrifice. But she's very stubborn and resolute. Or, the opposite, she's scared and uncertain but can't admit it and has to put on a brave face. I'm just spit-balling random things. The point is, establish a real personality.

As for the ending, I liked it from a conceptual standpoint. How it all ties together with the historical events of the colony disappearing. But, again, for me it was just another character getting thrown into the mix without being an actual character. I don't know who this Dark Lord is other than he's the big bad they're worshiping. I'd rather you stick with people we know and you've built up the whole way through. For example, maybe Rebecca is channeling the Dark Lord (ie, she's slowly morphing into something really big and bad during the battle). That's another completely random idea. Point is, new characters popping up at the last minute have a tendency to send everything screeching to a halt.

Overall, very well-written and with a lot of extremely difficult story elements that you managed to pull off for the most part. Now just build up the characters.

Lost Apocrypha - Apocalypse, Horror - The Roanoke Colony wasn't lost, it was recalled.  

 Rating: 1
Thoughts: I don't know what that means.  "Recalled?" What does that mean?


TITLE: Lost Apocrypha

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 4

Story - 3

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 4

Total: 3.3

Ah, Chris, you got me...Chief Powhatan WAS only 44 years old! I generalized and said 50. Damn! Can't really confirm if he was Pocahontas' father or not though. Then again, how many Chief Powhatans could there really be?

I'm so totally psyched to get 3rd in the writers choice! Thanks to everyone that took the time to read and supply constructive criticism. Not just for this OWC, but for all since my first entry with trapped in a taxi. The regulars here on SS are the best when it comes to reviews and suggestions. Albeit a bit harsh at times, it all pays off in the end.

I've already started on a revision with everyone's recommendations and look forward to the next OWC!

Thanks again!
John

Hey John,
    I really enjoyed this.  I gave it very high marks, so, great job.  I hope you take the comments to heart and fix this up.  It's the start of a solid story.

Dan

Hey all - Another OWC has been resurrected from the deep dark and published as a comic as 'Apocrypha Now'.

Take a peek!  https://www.hyperepics.com/apocrypha

Nice.