Life Or Death by Anonymous 6 - Short, Apocalypse, Dramedy, Horror - At a family get together during the zombie apocalypse, two brothers must decide what needs to be done with their elderly, undead mother. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey writer,

This didn't go the way I expected, which is a good thing, but I just didn't buy it at the end.

At time this seems like a comedy, a bit like Shaun of the Dead, but then it also seems not like a comedy and yet the characters are not really acting like the whole world has gone zombie apocalypse.

There was nothing distinguishing Rich and Harry, they seemed very much the same character and I kept on getting confused between the two. I'd recommend having a think about both and giving them there own unique style to set them apart.

I really liked the scene with zombie mum watching the TV and remembering, that was powerful and the one part of this I really liked. I think the problem with this is it starts far too early, there's too much of a setup that is not very interesting and informing the audience what is going on. This really needs to start late with the knock on the door, mum being dragged into the house.

The ending I just didn't buy. These lads are not acting like they've reached the end of their will to live, all hope is lost and they have no fight left in them, so Rich just killing them all and turning them into zombies to join their mother really came too far out of left field for me.

Nicely written. I found that easy to read and visualize.

-Mark  

Well written script with an unexpected turn at the end there.  You know it's British when they're serving tea during the zombie apocalypse.  

Touches of dark Brit humor throughout, which made the ending even more surprising, given the change in tone.  

My only criticism would be that it could have been shortened by a couple pages without losing any of the atmosphere.  Some of the conversations felt like padding.

Very cleanly written, with typos kept to a minimum.  Good logline, simple but solid concept.

Hi,

I really like the logline here. I thought it was a comedy, parts of it are really funny, especially the part about the neighbors and where they laugh about the things that never change.
And how they keep seeping tea while the neighbors are trying to get inside.
The beginning with their mother and them going about how she's a zombie is funny too.
Which is a good thing.
I liked it a lot.
Didn't like the ending though. Don't think you build up to it. And it's sudden. And feels like you missed a large chunk of what you had to tell. How that happened and why. And I didn't understand what the saliva cure, their own cure, was about.

I was really hoping there wouldn't be many zombie scripts, but I'll try not to show and bias.

you broke the fourth wall as if you knew i wrote that first sentence.  zombie shit is so damn played out...  i don't believe there's any idea left that would even come across as remotely fresh...

"we're not using the zed word!" - Ed, Shaun of the Dead (far and away the best zombie anything, btw)

the grid still works in this ZA?  they had to use walkie talkies and battery powered objects, but the tv works?

the end comes on abruptly.  Rich kinda changes a bit, i think.

eh, i'm sorry I'm just so bored by zombies.  this seems like a tinnnnny twist on a moral quandry/discussion you'd see in literally every zombie thing ever.

Hi writer,

Zombie Apocalypse, wondering when one of these would show. It’s well written and humorous enough at times. Too many aspects gave away your location of broadcast… less you’re messing with everyone to throw them off the trail.

I would have liked something other than a home DVD to awaken ‘Mum’ from her state, perhaps a wonderful, mythological existence of a 13th (lost) episode of ‘Fawlty Towers’… yes, that would raise the most somnambulistic of Zombie’s out of their stupor for sure. Just opinion of course.

Ending fell flat for me, unfortunately. I would even have been satisfied with a ‘Deus ex Machina’ at this point, considering you subtly broke the 4th to address us with:

“I know, cliche isn’t it? Give me a week to come up with a reason for the apocalypse and (sic) I could come up with better than fucking zombies.”

Not cliché in my books, you seem to know what you’re doing. I liked it for what it was. Best of luck.

Pretty well written but was more like a vignette or scene from a bigger story so it was an odd one for me.

Torn between comedy and horror, it veers  a bit and leaves us a bit short of a good ending.

Hey writer,

The line referencing a week to come up with something other than a zombie apocalypse, funny. In fact the whole thing was pretty smart, charming and funny.

It's another zombie script, as you said, so it's never going to stand out on that front, but there's something a bit disarming about the family situation, and then the ending hits you.

Pretty good work here, liked it,

Cam

Well written. The brother's idea on making the best out of a bad situation (a bit of spit with your tea, perhaps?) is a new take. Read it all the way through without issues. Good stuff - congrats.

1st page is all dialogue and for some reason, you call Rich "Voice" over and over - whether or not he's been intro'd, if this is indeed Rich, you should use his name.

Hmmm, is this supposed to be a comedy?  Maybe its the British humor...I don't find this funny.

I guess it's not a comedy, but I'm not exactly sure what it's supposed to be.

Not bad, not good.  2.5

Writer,

Not a bad tale. If this was comedy it could've used a bit more. Same for drama. I kept waiting to either laugh out loud or feel the true weight of the dilemma, and got neither. The story was okay. A good concept that could've used more punch and be more entertaining than it was. You had many chances to do that, but I feel you didn't. Good effort.

Steve

This was an enjoyable read, quite touching and charming in parts. I also had a few chuckles at the dark humour.

I wasn't entirely sold on the ending - it seemed a little too bleak, and not etirely fitting with what came before it.

Logline - what to do with mum. Now it may be me, but I don't know whether she is a Zombie, or just alive - I'll assume a zombie since it used undead. On the one hand it shows tension, but I'm also left thinking why, since its not a great place to me. Let's see...

And I was right, perhaps it  was obvious

Ok, the 'what to do with mum' is sound, and as it is contained, it is easy to film. I was wondering why bother, but the 'carrot' of a cure could be a lure to those hanging on. Worth pushing.

The ending wasn't for me.

Perhaps you could push the fact that one of them is a 'carer' type of person. Someone who needs to be needed. For that he double crosses them so he can be carer. Just a Thought.

I pretty much agree with everyone's previous statements.  

The ending didn't work for me.  It seemed very rushed and confusing.  How did mom and the brother die?  

Why would anyone want to be a zombie?  Ever???????

It's easy to shoot, so, you might get some interest in this.

Fix it up, make the story more compelling.  Make the brother's choice to free mom more suspenseful.  

Good luck
Dan

I liked this, very polite and mannered apocalypse, assume were in Britain then ;-)

Personally read this as more drama, and I think it works well as a drama... just needs more commitment to it and greater emphasis on the impact of the loss of mother.

I think with a better build up and more character development the ending would work better.

Too much of the back and forth in the early going revolves around them not hearing from anybody in weeks. After saying this once or twice it feels repetitive to bring it up again, unless there's actually a debate to be had, but it seems pretty clear they're on their own.

Also, some of the things they say make it sound like the apocalypse has only been going on for a few months (losing communication with authorities weeks ago) and some things make it sound like much longer (not looking a pictures from “before it happened”). How long past the crisis would you have to be to even think about looking at “old photos”?

This wasn't bad, per se, but it's well worn territory if you're at all familiar with zombie movies. Rich wanting to join her, and her memories, were the most interesting parts. If more time had been spent exploring those issues and moments, this might have been able to transcend the saturated zombie market.

Title not centered

VOICE should be RICH

"I know, cliche isn’t it? Give me a
week to come up with a reason for
the apocalypse and I could come up
with better than fucking zombies."

^^That's not a good story choice. A reference to the writer's real life situation within her/his own script is a no-go, shows massive insecurity. It is also confusing toward independent readers. Such things just turn the reader off IMO.

I don't like the ending. It was too goofy and self-ironic before, to then go the full drama-road. Same goes with the title: I'd much more see something comedic, striking and simple, like: "Mom is a Zombie".

It's a very clean script and some of it really works fine for me, like the general concept of a Zombie mom in a wheelchair, aided by two brothers --- dialogues were okay too.

It has the potential to be a hilarious, fine balanced comedy. A solid script, I'd say, that could massively improve with a second go.

I read the log line and thought “I think I’ve seen this one”. Went into it expecting the cliché zombie thing.
Nice solid writing.
Ended up with some nice twists. Comic in places, touching in others. Yep, it's a dramedy.
I don't have any suggestions.
This is nice solid work.
Thanks.

Title’s a little generic, but the logline clearly sets out the situation.  Could be interesting...

You kept it simple and that pays off in a breezy read that’s easy to follow.  A darkly comic tone centered around a difficult choice - what to do with zombie mum.  Very much that deadpan Brit humour - probably going to divide readers.  Can’t say I felt too much for either character - it’s all very surface level.  Ending was a surprise, though only in its abruptness.  Felt like you wrote yourself into a corner.  Could have done with a bigger twist or something to make it more memorable.  Simple, low-budget though, so one to come back to with a fresh perspective and that’s no bad thing.

Title is skewed right. Should be properly centered? What program are you using?

An orphan on the first page. Don't overdo it.

Why don't you identify the voice? You've already told us it's Rich.

"Ok" is always "okay" in screenplays.

Mum? Brit?

Quoted Text Her iris’ [irises are] a cloudy yellow colour.

Very poorly written. And on the second page! Not a good start.

TVs today are assumed to be widescreen HDTVs because they're so common. Now, a CRT tube TV from "the good ole days," that would need to be specified.

Mum. Colour. Telly. Obviously a Brit. I'm expecting some Monty Python-type humor. Bring on some John Cleese! ;D

DVD? Haven't these "blokes" upgraded to Blu-ray yet? ;D Their sound system is probably shit, too; probably just the TV's built-in "speakers." At least they appreciate physical media.

"You're lucky she's half[-]dead."

"ever-so-slight chuckle."

You did the insert and BACK TO SCENE correctly. Good job.

"penning them?" Like with a pen? Had to Google this.

I'd cap those O.S. sound effects. I used to think capped SFX were pointless in a spec, but they've grown on me.

[quote]Two bodies [s]lie[/s[ [lay on] either side of him. Mum and Rich./quote]

A person lies. A dead body lays.

For the most part, not bad. Nice title and logline. Satisfies the apocalypse theme.

Like your logline and title.

About spit my coke out laughing when Harry says, "Tea?" :)

Ok that was a fun read. I love the ending as well. It was sort of easy to figure things out but I chuckled at points through it and like your characters. Your dialogue was well written.

Great job.

Life Or Death - Apocalypse, Dramedy, Horror - At a family get together during the zombie apocalypse, two brothers must decide what needs to be done with their elderly, undead mother.  

Rating: 2
Thoughts: This one has potential.  I just needed to know a little more about the mother.  Was she a bitch?  A chatterbox?  Typical nagging mom?  It feels like her personality would play a big role in whether this short worked or not.


TITLE: Life Or Death

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 5

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 5

Story - 3

Ending - 5

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 4

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 4

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 4

Toal: 4.2